Photos: ANOTHER day in the life of my diet :)

Greetings, earthlings!

I am constantly trying to reinvent my diet in an effort to find the appropriate distribution of macro-nutrients (fat, protein and carbohydrates) throughout my day to meet both my daily nutritional needs, as well as the unique needs my body personally has for fuel throughout the day to stay energized. 

One of the most difficult - and most assuredly unforeseen! - challenges I have yet encountered in switching from a "normal" Western diet to that of a clean-eating fitness freak, has been the issue of "what to eat, and when."  In my old life, I ate generally healthy. That is to say, I wasn't eating out at fast food restaurants 3 meals a day. I only had fast food a couple times a month, I ate 3-5 meals a day, made sure I got fruits and veggies, limited the fried foods, yada yada yada.  But all of that to say, even though I packed my breakfasts, lunches and snacks and ate at home for dinner, I was still eating a lot of processed crap.  And to boot, although I would eat whatever I packed, I would fuel my typical slumps (which I thought were "normal" and just part of "being me") with mid-morning, mid-afternoon, and post-workout evening sugary snack indulgences like low-fat cookies, 5 or 6 Hershey kisses, etc.  You get the point.  I would feed into my sugar crashes with MORE SUGAR.  It was my drug, and I didn't even know it, because I didn't know any better!

So when I started my food diary and realized how oblivious I was to the obvious failure that was my "healthy diet" at the time, so began my journey to compile an appropriate diet to meet my nutritional needs and energy requirements.  It's something you don't really think of in the beginning.  I think for me, all I thought about was, "I'll put together a diet that sticks to the caloric intake I've calculated, I'll eat it, and I'll be miserable because it's not too satisfying, but at least I know I'm getting plenty of food so I won't be hungry."

WRONG!!!!

It took me about 2 months before I came up with even an acceptable distribution of proper nutrients throughout the day, another month of rearranging it thru trial and error, and even still at 4 full months into this, I am still finding myself having to add, subtract, and rearrange foods in order to find the right balance of calories throughout the day to stick with conventional wisdom (ie, don't eat high calorie foods at night!) but also taking into account what my body needs at specific times in the day, to keep trucking.

For me, I find that I am hungriest between the hours of whenever I wake up, to 1pm.  After 1pm (when I usually eat meal 4) my hunger - and, thus, caloric needs - rapidly decrease.  It doesn't matter if I workout in the morning or the evening, it stays the same - I wake up famished, and usually go to bed satisfied having only eaten 1/2cp of egg whites and a cup of steamed broccoli.

I suppose I can count myself among the lucky ones for this pattern, because this works well on a diet - eat most of your calories early on so you have the rest of the day to burn them off, and eat sparsely at night.  Some people are the opposite, and must train their metabolisms and digestive processes to accept a distribution of calories that isn't exactly ideal.

In any event, I was eating up to 7 meals a day and finding I was still really hungry, and I think it was because for each meal I ate, it just wasn't enough - it was enough to give me a little fuel, but not enough to take the hunger away.  So I have condensed it to 5-6 meals a day -- same foods, same # of daily calories, just bigger meals every 2.5-3 hours instead of smaller ones every 2 hours.  It has made a world of difference!

I recently cut out all dairy from my diet.  I used to have a cup of nonfat cottage cheese mid-morning, nonfat milk in my decaf and oatmeal, a nonfat Fage yogurt in the afternoon, and nonfat milk in the occasional protein shake I would make.  I stepped myself off of dairy gradually.  First I cut out the cottage cheese and replaced it with egg whites.  Then I finished off the last of my milk and replaced it with unsweetened organic soymilk (for oatmeal and decaf) and unsweetened organic almond milk for my now-daily protein shakes.  Yogurt was the last to go, and I am 3 days free of it and haven't even looked back :) 

The challenge for me is that my digestive system is TERRIBLY sensitive to veggies and legumes, so I'm limited in the types of food I can consume.  But still, I've found that replacing my afternoon yogurt with just more fresh produce (carefully selected based on my IBS-needs) has done more than an adequate job of filling that hole.

So, with that said, yesterday was a gym day-off so here is the diet I consumed, which is what I typically eat on days when I'm resting.  I'll post my diet for AM workouts and PM workouts next week :)  It is VERY important that you take the time to listen to your body to figure out when you should eat which particular foods, and in what quantities, to ensure you have the energy your body requires based on your daily activities.  Failing to do so can lead to epic blood sugar crashes, binging, and generally making your dieting efforts 1,000 times more miserable than they need to be!

MEAL ONE

1 individual package of rolled oats with 1tbsp ground flaxseed meal and 1/3 cup unsweetened plain soymilk, 1/4 cut-up avocado, 1/2 cup peppered egg whites, 20 fl. oz. water, and a cup of decaf with 1/4 cup unsweetened plain soymilk.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 380
Fat:  14.3g (27.9%)
Sat. Fat: 2.3g (6.5%)
Cholesterol: 0mg (0%)
Sodium: 435mg (21.7%)
Potassium: 648mg (13.8%)
Carbs: 38.3g (15.3%)
Fiber: 10.6g (35.3%)
Protein:  27.1g (19.3%)

MEAL TWO

1 cut-up apple in a bed of raw spinach (2 cups), a Trader Joe's Zen Bakery Blueberry Mini Fiber Cake (ingredients and details here: http://fatsecret.com/Diary.aspx?pa=fjrd&rid=132603), a cup of Spearmint Tea and 20 Fl. Oz. of water.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 166
Fat: 1.5g (2.9%)
Sat. Fat: 0g (0%)
Cholesterol: 0mg (0%)
Sodium: 229mg (11.5%)
Potassium: 148mg (3.1%)
Carbs: 42g (16.8%)
Fiber: 17g (56.7%)
Protein:  6g (4.3%)

MEAL THREE

6oz boneless skinless chicken breast (cooked in crock pot), 2/3 cup mixed vegetables, 1/2 cup broccoli, 3/4 cup quinoa, 1 medium banana, 2 tbsp all-natural BBQ sauce (ingredients and details here: http://tracker.dailyburn.com/nutrition/trader_joes_trader_joes_all_natural_barbeque_sauce_calories) and 20 fl oz. of water

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 509
Fat:  4.8g (9.4%)
Sat. Fat: 0g (0%)
Cholesterol: 82.5mg (27.5%)
Sodium: 192mg (9.6%)
Potassium: 1199mg (25.5%)
Carbs: 73.5g (29.4%)
Fiber: 9.7g (32.3%)
Protein:  46.5g (33.2%)

MEAL FOUR (and FIVE)

This is actually two meals but I was particularly hungry so I combined the two today.  Normally, Meal Four would be 1/2 of a Clif BUILDER'S BAR (Mint Chocolate is my favorite!) and a cup of tea.  This is the only "processed" item I eat per day.  Meal Five consists of 1/2 cup of diced celery, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1 individual portion of raw unsalted dry-roasted almonds, and 20 fl. oz. of water.  As you can see, I had already significantly attacked the Builder's Bar and water prior to remembering to take this photo :)

All together...

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 413
Fat:  22.2g (43.4%)
Sat. Fat: 4g (11%)
Cholesterol: 82.5mg (27.5%)
Sodium: 236mg (11.8%)
Potassium: 740mg (15.7%)
Carbs: 39.5 (15.8%)
Fiber: 10.3 (34.2%)
Protein:  20.3g (14.5%)

MEAL FIVE (or technically, SIX)

 

1 Scoop of Designer Whey Protein Powder (Chocolate - included in picture for visual) mixed into 8oz unsweetened almond milk (included in picture for visual - Trader Joe's Almond Smooth Unsweetened Vanilla), 1/2 cup peppered egg whites, the other 1/2 of my Clif BUILDER'S BAR, 1 cup of steamed broccoli and a tall glass of water.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 397
Fat:  9.2g (18.0%)
Sat. Fat: 2.5g (7.1%)
Cholesterol: 60mg (20.0%)
Sodium: 784mg (39.2%)
Potassium: 972mg (20.7%)
Carbs: 42.5 (17.0%)
Fiber: 9.5 (31.7%)
Protein:  46g (32.9%)
***********************************************************************************
TOTAL NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS
Calories: 1865
Fat:  52g (101.7%)
Sat. Fat: 9g (25.5%)
Cholesterol: 143mg (47.5%)
Sodium: 1876mg (93.8%)
Potassium: 3707mg (78.9%)
Carbs: 236 (94.3%)
Fiber: 57 (190.1%)
Protein: 146g (104.2%)

This is based off of a 2,000 calorie diet, of which 22% of calories come from fat, 28% from protein, and 50% from carbs. At the end of this month I will be downwardly revising my caloric intake levels to a 1900 calorie diet to adjust for weight loss I have realized over the past 4 months, with a macro-nutrient breakdown % of 24-29-47 (fat/protein/carbs).

Progress Photos!! "There is no longer a desperation for [the diet] to be over; rather, an organic eagerness for it to continue."

It's been a while since I updated the cold hard facts about my progress, and I wanted to say a couple thoughts about it before I start posting statistics or pictures.

First of all, when I started this journey, I originally committed to only 30 days (1 month).  I thought I retained a pretty accurate library of information in my head of what I needed to do, how to do it, and what to expect.  I thought in one month's time of dieting, I would loose a boat-load of weight and be right back on my merry way of partying and happy hour-ing with my friends.

You read these success stories of mildly obese individuals who loose 14 lbs in one month, 30 lbs in 3 months, 100 lbs in 6... and you say to yourself, "Self, all we have is 5-10 lbs to drop.  This should be a piece of cake."

So one month goes by and you see no results.  You lose maybe 2-4 lbs, but you know it's just excess water and waste, and very little fat because everything still fits the same.  2 months go by, you weigh the same, you feel like you look the same in the mirror, but you do notice clothes fitting a little more appropriately.  3 months go by and the scale moves another 3-5lbs, clothes are noticeably looser, but you still see so many problem areas and that's when you realize this is going to take a long while.

But that's the beauty of it - so many people don't want to start this journey because they are aware of what they will have to sacrifice, and they can't seem to get past the pain of that.  Nobody realizes that this quiet transformation takes place during the beginning.  The first month is brutal, because you haven't trained your body and mind to experience enjoyment any differently.  People think that the feelings of deprivation and constant temptation and lack of fulfillment last forever.  BUT THEY DON'T!  It goes away, because your body and mind change.  You think that the reality you live in now, with the cravings and the fulfillment you currently get from snacking on unhealthy food, is permanent, but it's not.  Your reality can be changed if you force it to.  It's a willful choice in the beginning to struggle through the change, but once you are no longer dependant on sugars, your taste buds have adjusted to different types of food, your body adjusts and starts giving incredibly positive responses to what you're feeding it (increased energy, sensational feelings of happiness and well-being, shiny skin/hair/nails, increased libido, the list goes on!), it is no longer a current you are fighting against to avoid those temptations; you feel completely free and normal and those temptations and cravings are more or less completely gone. After that first month or two, you no longer have that sweet tooth, temptations aren't tempting any more because you find you don't need or crave those foods you once clung to, and you move forward just as any other noraml person would.

I thought I would tough it out through one month to achieve the body I wanted and then I could go back to my reality.  But instead what has occured is so far greater than that; I have created a new reality for myself.  A new path, full of new adventures and dreams and all these things I thought were out of my reach and reserved solely for a special breed of weird person who didn't like "good tasting food" or who had the energy to wake up early and train like a beast.  "I can't do that," I'd say to myself.  "I need my sleep.  And I'm so tired after work.  And I have so much to do."

The truth of the matter is that we are all tired, and all busy, and all have incredibly packed schedules, but thats not the point - the point is to want it bad enough that you MAKE the time, no matter the cost, because you have committed to a dream and want to achieve it.

I commited to one month, and I just finished my fourth.  But instead of looking back and saying, "Holy hell this has been a long road, when is it gonna be over?!!?"  I say to myself, "J*sus H... it's only been 4 months and look at the progress I've made..... can you imagine what kind of results I'll see in after the 5th month?? The 6th?? By the end of the year????"  There is no longer a desperation for it to be over; rather, there is an organic eagerness for it to continue.  THAT is the difference.  And it isn't because I am a special breed of weird person who has some genetic predisposition to being an athlete - I am a common person - one of 6 billion in the world - who, just like all the other success stories you see and read about, decided to make the ultimate stand.  I'm just a girl who has had a dream for a very long while and has decided that she wants to achieve it.  Simply put.  So everything that I have had to sacrifice - forgoing favorite foods and booze; going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night so that I can wake up at 5am the next morning to workout; giving up sleeping in entirely, for that matter - has not actually been a sacrifice at all, but rather just a trade.  That's another thing you learn on this journey - it's not like you are just piling up your favorite things on a pyre and watching them burn... you don't "lose" anything by committing to a strict diet and exercise regimen.  You may have to give some things up, but you get SO MUCH IN RETURN.  You are trading in one thing, for something better.  At the end of the day, what you are receiving is so much more valuable and fun and fulfilling and enjoyable than what you are giving up.

So, with all of that said, here are some updates before I go into the statistics:

Photos from May 13th (top / end of week 15) and May 5th (bottom / end of Week 14)

 

May 13, 2012 - end of Week 15. 

This is a photo actually from the Swingers Tournament we

played in on May 5th.  I personally can see a lot of

progress in my extremeties, but can you see that gut fat

hanging over my bikini bottom? Imagine in two months

when that has been melted away in the gym, and that

section is flat and toned :)

I've decided to take weekly photos to start tracking progress.  I should have done this ages ago, but I didn't have the heart to do it because I didn't believe I was capable of it.  But better late than never!  Now that I know I can do it, these progress photos are nothing more than capturing evidence of a time in my life that I expect to disappear very rapidly :)

 

This past Sunday, I decided to celebrate the end of my 4th month of diet and exercise with a giant boost into the next month - I did a 2-a-day workout.  And not just ANY 2-a-day; I played 5 hours of volleyball, drank a protein shake, and then went on a 4-mile beach run.  It was significantly taxing, but it felt so good; I felt so strong.  There is something very beautiful about pushing your body into complete exhaustion.  Food tastes better, showers feel more amazing, and plopping down on the couch in cozy PJs has got to be close to pure euphoria :)

 

After my run I went to the gym to shower and change cuz I had to run errands and didn't have the energy to drive all the way home.  Usually I use the Virgin Mobile "Heart Center" at my gym on every other Monday to take my weight, body fat % and blood pressure readings, but I decided that I wanted to see where I was on Sunday after all my workouts, just out of curiosity.  Mind you, I'm aware that I sweat a lot throughout the day but I was hydrating like a camel so I'm fairly certain I wasn't too water-weight low when I took this reading:

The last time I weighed myself (2 weeks ago), I was 139.8lbs. I theorized that 2 lbs of the weight loss seen here, could be attributed to water loss.  I stood there staring at the screen though and couldn't believe my eyes... I was finally at my goal weight, but I still have 2 more months of leaning out to go before I want to start cutting!  To say I was beyond-myself-thrilled at these results is a COMPLETE understatement!  I kind of had the feeling that I was on the cusp of some very rapid changes now that I was getting my body fat % down.  And on that note, I have mentioned this in prior blog entries, but it's worth saying again:  I do not actually have only a 14.5% body fat composition.  This machine using the infrared bicep measuring method, and my extremeties (arms and legs) are MUCH more toned than the rest of my body.  If my midsection was as toned as my biceps, I'd look like an olympian haha.  They say this machine can have up to a 4% reading inaccuracy, and I'd say that 18-19% body fat sounds more appropriate for me.  Maybe more, I don't know.  But I take the reading relatively; when I started out, the bicep reading said I was 20.7% body fat, I believe.  So relatively speaking, I have cut out a lot of fat in my body, regardless of what the REAL reading actually is :)

Because I was sure that my reading on Sunday was a bit biased by my extensive cardio load that day, I went ahead and measured myself again the following day, and here was what I got:

And as I suspected, I was 2 lbs up from the day prior.  But that isn't to discount the fact that I was 2 lbs down from my last real Monday reading!! The results keep on coming!!!

Now I'll go through the sequence of progress photos.  I feel like a narcisist posting all of these, but after all, this blog is a sort of diary for me to track my progress, and so I'm storing all of my photos from this journey in my blog to keep them all in one place.  Apologies therefore in advance if this is overkill, but I want evidence to look back on and share with people in the future who were just like me starting out, to prove that it can be done!! 

I spared no expense at making the goofiest faces possible.  People take themselves too seriously these days :D

Beginning of the Month progress photos - May 18, 2012 (near the end of Week 16):

More progress photos - May 21, 2012 (Beginning of Week 17):

For the record, I nearly flipped out when I took these photos - I wasn't going to take them, except that I was cleaning house (yes, in my awesome yellow stripped tube-top and purple leopard-printed pants.  What can I say, I have awesome taste in fashion ;D ) and I happened to see my reflection and noticed the definition of the very top abdominals starting to come through just below my tube-top.  I couldn't believe my eyes.... I knew the lighting helped, but I have never in my life seen that occur in my body, and it was a bit of a spiritual and slightly terrifying moment actually, when I realized I really was making things happen.  I felt incredibly powerful, and somewhat scared of with the realization of what I am actually achieving.  I was awe-inspired!

So there you have it!  End of Month 4 / beginning of Month 5 progress photos.  I am going to stay strong and continue on my leaning out phase till the end of Month 6. I'll post progress photos every two weeks.  I am finally starting to see the results I naïvely assumed it would only take me 30 days to achieve, but I couldn't be happier that it has taken this long.  My life is surely never going to be the same :)

"Achieving fitness goals is the simplest thing to achieve, and thehardest thing you will ever do."

First of all, I have fantastic news to report! My infraspinatus tendons are officially no longer a pain in the neck -- err, shoulder? -- for me anymore!  Diligent rest, ice and advil really helped.  Now... if I can get my subscapularis from being sore after Wednesday's bench press session!  But I'm excited to get back to training for volleyball.  I still held true to my word and sat out of my lesson today because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was too soon and I'd just re-aggrevate them.  So I'll wait to train with my vb partner on Sunday :)

Also, I took some progress photos last night but I'll have to wait to upload them till this weekend since they're on my laptop at home.

So, this Sunday will be the last day of week 16, and monday will be the official start of week 17.  The significance is rather great - 16 weeks = 4 months :) And it's been a while since I've reflected on my journey in this blog, so I thought I'd take a moment to record special thoughts, feelings and milestones that I've experienced recently.  I got so wrapped up in writing pieces that I thought others would find interesting, that I failed to remember that this blog is also supposed to be for me, a diary of sorts, for me to capture this time in my life to look back on later.

On that note, I'd like to dwell a little on my fascination of what I've accomplished.  They say you should celebrate the little things, not just the end result, and I am such a proponent of that.  Every day I go having stuck to my diet, drank my 80 fl. oz. of water, refrained from eating that night time snack and chosen to go to bed without it instead, or even rested when my OCD was telling me to go to the gym despite my aches and pains... all of these little victories are what fuel me.  They make the next day that much easier.

Each little victory makes me a stronger person on the inside.  Each time I overcome something, when another thing comes along the way, I am that much more confident that I can overcome it.  And at the end of the day, I honestly believe that one of the reasons I didn't do this diet and fitness thing much sooner, was that I tried but I went into it with a weak mind.  I wanted all the results with none of the work.  I lacked the patience and dedication to commit to a program and stick to it.  I would give it a couple days, even a couple weeks, but I would fail because I wasn't doing it correctly and/or I didn't have that prize in my mind and the hunger for it, and the belief that I really could accomplish it.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Gattaca with Ethan Hawke.  It is a quiet movie, a thinker.  But I particularly love it because nothing struck me more clearly than a quote I heard from it when I was 15 years old and obese and in the throes of my own family turmoil and adolescent issues.  The scene was when Ethan Hawke -- an "invalid" who was only allowed to do bottom-feeder blue collar jobs due to his genetic inferiority -- was washing windows at what appears to be a futuristic NASA compound.  His dream in life was to be an astronaut and go to space but, of course, his genetic inferiority came along with a heart defect that made his prospects of going to space even more impossible.  And as he stood on the roof of the NASA compound washing windows at dusk in his janitorial uniform, he paused for a moment to watch a vessel blast off into space.  This is a still from that scene, along with what he uttered in a passive narrative voice:

I firmly believe I failed all those prior times at achieving what I had ALWAYS dreamed of, because the task at hand just seemed to insurmountable.  When I took an honest look in the mirror, even made it a week into my diet, the realization of the task at hand asked for too much of me than I was willing to give.  It wasn't until I got right up into the touchy-feely of what I would really have to commit to it, that I realized my dream was impossible.

But that's the thing, and it's what I wasn't able to learn until I went on this all-or-nothing trip:  it wasn't the dream that was impossible; it was my lack of willingness to give what it took to achieve it.

Sometimes, when we see the mountains of life we need to climb, we get desperate for a short cut or a way around.  All we want is to be on the other side, dammit!  We don't want to do the hard work, we are too tired or lazy or otherwise not willing to give what it takes.  And these days, people try short cuts left and right, and only find themselves more miserable, discouraged, and lost.  Had they just faced the challenge head on, they would have at least been that much closer to making it over the mountain!

But it isn't until we decide to do it the right way, just close our eyes and start trucking up that mountain head first, that we make it a certain way up the mountain and suddenly learn the lesson we were meant to have learned all along - that it isn't about getting to the top of the mountain, but about learning to climb.  You see, all of the fruits of our labor are really found in the labor itself.  Of course we want to reach our goal and obtain the fruits of the end-result.  But I think that all of us, when we get to some certain point in our ascent (it varies for everybody), we come to the realization that all of the enjoyment of our giving our blood, sweat and tears to achieve or goals, isn't so much in actually achieving them, but is actually in the very heat of battle.  The true enjoyment is having your eyes burn as the sweat cascades into them.  The true enjoyment is when your lips snarl up into an animalistic-like curl as you will yourself with nothing but pure brute force to spin that much faster to the tempo of the music.  The true enjoyment is adding on that extra 10lb weight plate, knowing this squat is going to hurt like hell, but NOT BEING AFRAID OF THE PAIN because you are excited to prove that you can overcome it.

At the end of the day, what we really get in return for giving everything to our diet and fitness endeavors, is the explosion of strength we feel on the inside that we can overcome anything, that we can have anything, that those voices in our head and in the media and coming from the lips of our enemies ARE WRONG.  We are given a gift of power and a right to self-respect that no one can touch - not a single person can take it away.  Not a single nay-sayer, not a single loved one or family member or friend who stabbed us in the back or said they couldn't love us for how we did or didn't look... Not a single soul can take away the strength and the knowledge that a 25-lb bicep curl freely offers.

It is possible for all of us.  My favorite quote that I learned in a blog about losing the last 10 lbs goes as such, and it is so true:

The task is simple:  Climb the mountain.  The question is, are you willing to give what it takes?  Your dream is entirely possible, but whether you achieve it, depends on your answer to that question.

How to face injuries and set-backs... and also, the "Celery Test"!

Happy Friday Eve! :D

So, I haven't had a chance to blog in a while.  Mostly because I've been pretty busy at work this week (I have one of those feast-or-famine jobs that's either insanely busy or insanely slow, depending on when in the month we are at.  Yay finance!)

Today I want to discuss something very relevant to me:  injuries.  One of the main tenets that I wanted to address on this particular fitness journey of mine, was doing everything the RIGHT way.  Not the quick way, not the "I'm an impatient schmuck and want to results NOW no matter how much damage I do to myself!" way... I promised to take the long road, experience the slow-burn, and enjoy the journey while I'm on it.

That said, I have been slacking.  For the first 2 or so months I was doing yoga twice a week.  I have since stopped doing it (haven't been in a month!) because I train 6 days a week to the point where my muscles are too weak to hold poses, and then on my one rest day, all I want to do is rest... as well as do laundry, my cooking, my grocery shopping, and everything else I've let pile up so that I can sleep the max amount of hours possible on a training day.  I understand I'm due for some "life organization", but I digress.

Anywho, aside from not going to yoga, I haven't been stretching properly post-workout.  In fact, I haven't been stretching at all.  I've been good about doing a solid warm-up before any cardio routine (which, in turn, warms me up for my weights sessions), but I have not made friends with the foam roller in ways I promised I would.  So, I'm formally declaring that my goal for next week (which will be the beginning of week 17!) is to use the foam roller after every gym session, to warm up and STRETCH properly prior to (and after) volleyball practice and games, and to go to yoga once a week no matter how sore or exhausted I am.

With all of that said, I am injured.  I hyper extended my elbow many moons ago (almost a month ago?) and it has gotten so progressively worse that I wake up in so much pain that I can't straighten my elbow.  I know I don't have bursitis, so I'm fairly certain I strained or possibly tore a bit of ligament in there.  In addition, my 8-mile sand run last Saturday proved to be a little bit too much for my bad knee, and I have been having a little bit of bursitis pain there.  On top of these, I did some blocking exercises in my volleyball lesson last Sunday, and woke up this Monday morning with excruciating pain on my infraspinatus tendon.  Here's the anatomy of the rotator cuff:

As you can see, the infraspinatus is the part of your shoulder  blade on your back that attaches to the ball of the shoulder via tendons (the white part of the muscle in the picture above).  This part of your shoulder helps you do things like pull doors open, or reach up and behind your back like you were going to try to apply sunscreen to the top middle part of your back.  The infraspinatus is one of 4 muscles that comprise your rotator cuff, or the series of muscles that help your shoulder rotate as it does.

The structures are usually weak and take a lot of careful time and attention to strengthen, and tendonitis is very common and difficult to get rid of.  The rotator cuff easily builds up scar tissue which limits range of motion, tightens the structure, and can cause a lot of debilitiating, lasting pain.

When I played soccer in college, I always had a mantra - the day my knees went, I would retire immediately.  And when I blew my knee out, I held true to that promise.  I felt like my life was over, but if it weren't for that injury, I would have never discovered volleyball.  And while it was a long and frustrating path to get to where I am today, if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't even dream of it.  But now, I have a new mantra - the second my shoulders go, I would quit volleyball.  Because of my soccer experience, I am much more freely open and accepting of the fact that I am getting older, I will sustain injuries, and some of them may be career ending.  But not to fret or panic - there will always be something new to put my efforts into, and in the meantime, I would strive not to push my body but rather allow it the healing time it rightfully deserves.

So this past week, I have put myself on a careful regimen of Ibuprofen, ice, compression, elevation and massage therapy (for my shoulders).  I have refrained from doing any impactful cardio, upper body weights (for the most part), and I have decided to forgo my volleyball lesson tomorrow, as well as any games - even just for fun - this weekend.  I noticed that on the nights I drink an amino acid-packed protein shake, I wake up with remarkably less pain in my shoulders.  All in all, after just 4 days of self-healing techniques, my knee feels about 95%, my elbow has got to have improved by about 60-70%, my left shoulder is about 90%, and my right shoulder feels to be at about 80-85% recovered.  So, by next monday, I should hopefully be all better and able to start back up on my weights routine, and get back to volleyball lessons and games by a week from tomorrow.

There is a silver lining in injuries though, as I've come to discover.  And it's more than the dramatic turn of retiring from a sport you've played since you were 4 and happen upon a new one that you fall in love with - it's more subtle than that.  It's a matter of adaptation.  I've come to find that if I keep my spirits high and remain hopeful, and choose to adapt to an injury instead of freak out about how it will spoil my routine or the activities I love doing, great things can happen.  For instance, I couldn't workout legs yesterday because I had already worked them the day before, but I didn't want to just do cardio when I knew there were things (other than abs) that I could work on that didn't affect my shoulders. 

So, for all the years I have been a die-hard gym rat, I tackled something I've NEVER done, never factored into my weights sessions (don't ask me why!), and made me feel more accomplished than I have ever felt so far in my journey:  I did my first bench press :D

All I pushed was the weight of the bar plus a 5lb weight plate on either side, but it didn't matter to me - I wanted to get the feeling down, the range of motion that would be required (wanted to make sure I didn't strain my shoulder), and I wanted to practice technique.  Despite the lack of weight, however, my scapulars are SO SORE today!  But good-sore, not bad-sore :)  And it got me thinking about my infraspinatus pain, and perhaps that I didn't necessarily injure it, but just over-worked an under-worked muscle.  And the pain was my shoulder's way of saying, "Hey! Take it easy! You've ignored me for 28 years so give me some attention before you throw me to the dogs!"

And on that note, sometimes when I'm running and listening to my motivational playlist, I imagine the songs are my body singing to me, and I really like that :)  Like Train's "Drive By", when it goes "Oh I swear to you / I'll be there for you / this is not a drive by-y-y-y-y".  I like to think that the way my body feels, is it's way of talking to me :)  That it is here for me, and isn't going to give up on me.  I like to envision the lean, toned, healthy part of me, encouraging me and motivating me as I push through tough workouts, begging for me to keep going and stay strong so that it can come out from the dark place I have hidden it for all these years.  And on this journey, I'm in the business of listening to my body, and responding accordingly :) <3

**************
One final random thing I thought I'd share (assuming you've read this far!) is a helpful thing I affectionately call the "Celery Test".  It's quit simple - I find it helps distinguish between hunger based on real physical hunger, versus hunger based on emotions or boredom, during those times where I'm not sure if I'm just super hungry that day, or just want to "sport eat".  This is all you do:  Ask yourself, "If celery was all I was allowed to eat right now, would I even bother?"

When I respond "yes", I know I am physically hungry and just need to increase my caloric intake for that day, for whatever reason.  When I say no, though (99% of the time), I know to ignore my gut and listen to my mind - I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored.  I love celery, don't get me wrong.  But it's just incredibly boring, and if I am going to eat out of boredom or if I just want something just to chew on, it's usually all I'll allow myself to have ;)

Mid-month progress photos to come in the next day or so!

Time for a real life confession about eating disorders and the seldom thought of long-term consequences of them

Never in a million years did I think I'd find myself publicizing this part of my life on an unrestricted public access blog.  But hell, I've already posted "before" photos of me, so what more pride do I have to lose! :P In all seriousness though, as much as I have changed and moved on from this chapter of my life I'm about to share with you, it will still always be a part of me.  And before I get into it, as sort of a thesis, I want to say that I'm discussing it not just so that you can get to know me better, or even that I may be able to help people currently in the throws of this disorder - but rather because I have done lasting, permanent damage to my body as a result of it.  Some of this damage has been to my digestive system which has never fully recovered, causing me to deal with IBS-like symptoms and a lot of mysterious food sensitivities and intolerance which I am still trying to research and figure out. I will discuss that at the end of this blog, but just so that you know the direction in which I am taking this story now. 

So, without further adieu.... here is a "Cliff's Notes" version of a large part of my past:

When I was 15 years old, I experienced my first round of anorexia... 

It only lasted the summer going into my Junior year of high school, but I had gained a tremendous amount of weight during puberty partly due to hormones, but mostly due to a TERRIBLE diet and no physical exercise.  And the diet was compounded by a severe depression I fought through for most (if not all!) of my adolescence stemming from a very ugly divorce my parents went through when I was 7, one of my older brothers being cripplingly ill for nearly a decade, being thrown into an unfriendly and borderline socially-abusive daycare system, and just general sibling rivalry that had gotten out of hand in our cramped, angry household.  I found food to have an instantaneous enjoyment factor, and it really was a drug for me.  I didn't have to work for the enjoyment, I didn't have to think about anything - all I had to do was sit down in front of a television and consume and it allowed me to fade immediately into a world of pleasure that drowned out the misery, the sadness, the fear and the anxiety of the world around me that was crashing down.

Now, before I go any further, I would like everybody to know I love my family, we survived those dark times, and I was never neglected; my parents did everything they could for us kids.  It was just very hard - money was scarce, both my parents worked long hours, my mom spent all her free time in the hospital with my brother.... we were in pure survival mode.  There was no irresponsibility on my parents' part.  Sometimes I look back and think to myself, why my mom never said anything to me, never tried to restrict my diet when she saw I was obviously in the throes of adolescent obesity.. but then the realistic side of me chimed in and was like, "Dude.  It's amazing we survived those times at all.  My mom is only human, she can only do so much, and she was too preoccupied with keeping a roof over our head and my brother alive for God's sake.  It's not her fault."  The only thing I really wish someone would have reached out and helped me with was my obvious emotional issues.  I would have panic attacks for years just from the stress of the instability of my home environment. My grades suffered, my social interactions suffered, and it would take me literally 2 decades to fully recover and see the light and learn all the brilliant lessons there were to learn from the hardships I endured.

But anyway, I digress. By the time I was 14, I stood at about 5'6" or 5'7" and weighed over 150lbs.  I was a total fatty, and was teased by my siblings incessantly.  Fortunately, for whatever reason, my friends at school never bullied me.  I had serious emotional and attachment issues, but I was socially very well-adjusted and well-liked by my peers.

In any event, when I was 15, I decided I needed to make a change. But I was changing for the wrong reasons - I wanted to be skinny and popular and I wanted people to love me for how I looked on the outside.  Really all I wanted was for a boy to love me; I felt so starved of love and attention. And while all of those reasons for weight loss are valid points because they do just intrinsically come with the territory of being aesthetically appealing to the naked eye, they should NOT be the sole motivating factors for weight loss.  Otherwise, you are doomed to fail - or worse, harm yourself.  I regret to say, I fell in the latter bucket.

I starved myself that summer.  I didn't work out much (I didn't really know how?) but I would ride my bike around the block or go for mile-long jogs.   I remember starting the next school year with a small sense of self-esteem, something I had never experienced before.   I had no concept of nutrition though, but while I fell back into my old eating habits after the school year began, the weight loss I saw from unhealthy dieting stuck with me.

When I was 17, I went at it again.

This time I was older, I had graduated from high school, and was learning to be independent.  I had my own income from a part-time job, I made it on my collegiate soccer team, and I was on a mission to get skinny.  Not fit - SKINNY.

From ages 17 to 19, I went through the most violent cycle of eating disorders of my life.  I know people have done far worse to their bodies than I achieved, but I can't imagine ever surviving worse than what I put myself through.  Standing at 5'9", the lightest I got down to was 104lbs.  Bones sticking out, period had stopped, hair was falling out, nails were peeling in half, my skin was a wreck... it started with the drive to lose weight, and that was all I cared about.  But this time, it was with a vengeance.  I blamed all of my failed relationships on my weight, and was convinced people would love and adore me the thinner I was.  If this isn't a testament to how damaging media is in today's society, I don't know what is.  It literally look me a decade to reverse this belief, despite how common sense it seems to me now.

I had both anorexia and bulimia.  I was limiting myself to 500-800 calories a day.  I would end up passing out at the gym on almost a weekly basis, to the point where I knew the signs and would excuse myself to my car and pass out there for fear that my gym would end up calling the cops or maybe just the Los Angeles Psychiatric Department and have them whisk me away because I was no longer capable of taking care of myself.  I would eat apples - core, stem and all.  I remember one time I was moving and I came across a Costco-sized bag of Sun-Maid raisins my roommate had, and I ate HALF THE BAG because I couldn't help myself.  And then I spent 3 hours purging afterwards.

During the summer when I was 19, I went into cardiac arrest.  And it saved my life.

It was 9am in the morning on a wednesday, I'll never forget.  I had just got to work and had my standard breakfast - 3/4 cup of frozen peas (frozen, so that I had to eat them slower, which made them seem to last longer) and a small cup of black coffee.  I noticed suddenly that I was terribly lethargic, disoriented, and confused.  And also, I was sweating like mad! I think the sweat was what first tipped me off, I literally had drops forming on my forehead.  That's when I noticed a significant lethargy, like I had taken a huge dose of vicodin and it was kicking in.  I checked my pulse instinctively and was shocked to feel my heart absolutely racing.  My breathing was very shallow, and it was almost like I didn't have the energy to breath at all.  But it was the panicky, brain foggy, disoriented feeling I had that made me realize something very bad was happening.

I excused myself from work on the grounds of feeling ill.  It felt like I had a 500*F fever and I could barely muster the energy to breathe.  I was about 30 miles away from home and started the drive... in rush hour morning traffic.

I called my mom for comfort.  She started asking me about symptoms.  I told her everything that was going on, and that I had a terrible cramp in my arm and an ache in my back that sort of skipped my shoulder/neck area but then went up into my jaw and throughout the side of half my face.  She asked me if it was the left side and I had answered her "no", and she breathed a sigh of relief.  But it WAS the left side of my body.  I didn't realize it until I made it home - in my mind, it was the right side of my body, not the left, because I was thinking of the pledge of allegiance "right hand over your heart."  I knew on my phone call with my mom that I was having a heart attack; but she reassured me that it was ok because it wasn't my left side, and at the time, I still believed my pains were on the right side.

I hung up the phone with mom and focused on getting home, and I'll never forget this:  I was at a red light at Sepulveda Boulevard and Washington, when a cop pulled up.  I had no energy to cry for help, or flag him down.  Every single cell in my body told me to put my car in park, get out of my car, and collapse in front of his squad car.  EVERYTHING INSIDE told me to do it.  But I didn't, because I have a history of over-reacting and I couldn't stand the thought of my mom's expression when she got a call from the cops telling her what happened, and a hospital bill for what we both believed was just a caffeine overdose.  I very well could have died for that decision.  Fortunately, I did not.  I got medical help in due time, received fluids and saline to re-balance my electrolytes, and was sent on my way with a new fear of god and appreciation for life.

It was that night, as I lay in bed, with a foreboding sense of graveyard dirt all around me, that I realized how much my life meant to me.

It really was an overnight change.  Personally, for me, I found that following the Alcoholics Anonymous step of "yielding to a higher power" did it for me.  But it was because I was fully aware that I was unable to help myself.  I needed a spiritual intervention because, in my mind and heart, I knew that was what would work for me.

But I'll keep my spirituality to myself and focus on other things right now.  I immediately began researching about health and nutrition, and that's when I learned about BMR and that my body burns 1,450 calories just in existing, even if I weren't to move a single muscle all day long.  That helped make boosting my caloric intake easier - I could eat 1450 calories and still not worry about gaining a single pound.  That was a stark improvement from 500-800cals a day!

As I regained health and strength, I decided that to justify eating more and more, I could work out more and more - but in a healthy way.  Have goals, you know? I started with training for a 5k... and then a 10k.... all the way up to training for a half triathlon! I had always been an athlete, and focus on athletic endeavors instead of strictly weight loss ones, truly saved me life.

So, all of that to say, it still took me half a decade to let go of all my eating issues and panic attacks when I may have had a week or two of indulgence and / or lack of workouts.  And I'd be remiss to say I don't still *occasionally* have freakouts when work is so busy that I don't have time to workout or eat properly (usually around the holidays), but I know now that I will survive and that I can rebound and to just enjoy those indulgent moments because they are few and far between!

BUT.  I am not without lasting injury from my eating disorders.

Ever since then, I get scary heart palpitations occasionally.  PVCs and PACs, sometimes up to 500 a day (a Holter monitor confirmed it for me last year).  But it's usually linked to poor electrolyte balance and I've learned how to manage it with adequate sleep, hydration, diet and wearing a heart rate monitor while working out to make sure I don't push myself TOO hard.  But the most disturbing thing - and the reason I am writing this blog entry - is that I have had IBS ever since the peak of my eating disorders.  There are so many foods I must avoid, and I really wish I knew what the underlying cause is (is it a particular sugar in the foods?  Fiber content?  Something else?) so that I knew how to treat it and what to avoid.  So far, all I know is I cannot handle any kind of bean or legume, not even hummus, no matter how it is or isn't cooked or prepared.  I can't eat pears, dried fruit, and COUNTLESS vegetables.  Some of these issues can be mitigated thru the use of Beano, although it is only just so effective.  The inspiration for this post was actually because I introduced Sweet Potatoes into my diet this week and wouldn't you know, HORRIBLE IBS symptoms!!!!  It's terrible... the bloating and cramps and other things.....

So, in a nutshell...

I wish I had had someone in my life when I was a teenager to pull me aside and show me how much more attractive FIT was, than SKINNY.  I don't ever want to be skinny.  I want to be a lean, mean athletic machine! :D  But now, when I reference foods I am struggling with, you can understand my grievances.  And I may also write blog entries on things I've learned about certain foods, how they biologically affect me, and ways I've learned to treat or cope with them.  After all, I am a HUGE supporter of doing things the natural way - no drugs, no "quick fixes".  I'd rather lead a life of abstaining from my favorite foods to avoid symptoms, then to take drugs to allow myself to have them.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this before?  Have literature on it?  Maybe might know the connection between pears, sweet potatoes, vegetables, and legumes?  I have no problem with wheat, protein, or dairy.....

Oh well.  That's it for today!

Progress photos: The dreaded bikini photo-in-the-mirror, I'm-not-where-I-want-to-be-yet-but-I'm-getting-there shot...

So before I address today's topic, I'd just like to say I ABHOR the pictures people take of themselves in the mirror.  I mean, c'mon - just how narcissistic can some people get?!!?!

But this isn't about narcissism, it's about humility.  I so truly wish I had taken photos of my body before I embarked on this journey, but I didn't for two reasons:  The first was that I couldn't bear to see on film just how far I had to go.  There is something strange about looking at a 3D reflection of yourself in a mirror versus a 2D shot in a photograph.  Somehow the photograph seems to be more telling of how you truly look.  At least that's how I feel like it is.  Anyhow, the second reason I didn't take "before" photos was because I have tried "dieting" so many times in the past, and failed miserably within the first 2 weeks, that I thought it would be stupid to try to be "all official" with this particular stint at dieting only to watch it fall to the wayside just like everything else I've tried to be official about in the past.  Once I realized that I was going to make an honest effort at this diet/fitness program (about 3 weeks in, when I started logging my weight/body fat stats), I wasn't ready to potentially sabotage my efforts by, again, taking photos of my body and being discouraged by how awful I looked.  Ignorance was my best tool at ensuring I stay motivated.  But my advice to people just starting out is this - if I could go back and do it again, I would take "Before" picutres at the very beginning (and measurements!!!) and just not look at them.  I could have easily done that on my digitial camera on a spare memory card and if I failed, delete the photos without ever looking at them.  I really wish I had done that.

In any event, I did dig up some photos from years past which give an indication of how soft I had become (in addition to those I already posted HERE):


First of all, THIS IS A COSTUME!! It was for a friend's birthday party and the theme was "80s disaster".  I am heinously wide in this photo - at least, to my mind.  I was playing in 5 highly competitive soccer leagues at the date of this photo (2008ish) and going to the gym 6 days a week, but I'd only do cardio, no weights.  And my diet was abysmal.

This photo was from May 2009 and it horrifies me.  I know it doesn't look bad perhaps, but again, I was working out 6 days a week.  This is the type of image that illustrates what I mean when I say, "My body didn't reflect the effort I was putting into it."  I was about 150lbs in this photo, no muscle.  All I would do is hours of cardio at the gym, on the elliptical, the same speed and the same difficulty level, 6 days a week.

Took this photo in August 2009 just before a volleyball tournament (I was a spectator, never had played the sport at the time of this pic).  There are two things to keep in mind in pic - the first is that I took this photo and kept it because I thought I looked AMAZING in it.  That was helped in part by my hands cupping my hips (aka MASSIVE muffin top) and hiding them, giving the appearance of a more trimmed figure, and also pushing the fat forward a little to create an illusion as though I had the beginning of ab definition in my upper obliques.  This is the only surviving front-on photo I have of myself prior to starting my training program.  And while it is 3 years old, trust me when I say I hadn't changed much - I was the exact same weight and size when I started this time around.

So, now that THAT embarrasment is done, I can get to a little bit of "light at the end of the tunnel / there's hope for the future" pictures.  These pictures I'm about to share are still difficult for me to view, because they confirm, as I suspected, that I'm nowhere near where I want to be.  But they DO reflect results.  And those results translate into hope for me.  And on a broader scale, I realize that I should be enjoying these photos now, because all they represent is a former version of myself that won't be around much longer.  They are pictures that I will one day share without shame, but rather pride, because how I will eventually look, won't be anything like how I do in these.  And I can relish in the fruits of my hard labor, and will use these photos to motivate people to undertake the same steps I did, to achieve the body I never knew I was capable of until I tried.

(ps, I'm a goof ball.  For all the ensuing progress photos that I'll be sharing on this blog, I can assure you cross-eyed monkey faces will be used in all of them :D)

The following sequence of photos were taken on April 8th / the last day of Week 10

The following sequence of photos were taken on May 6th / end of Week 14

So, there you have it.  I'm a real-life blogger on a real-life mission with real-life evidence of real-life results!!!!!

And I can tell you this - I'm nowhere near where I want to be.  And yes, I've been at this for 14.5 weeks, and perhaps I'm not achieving results as fast as some people, but I'll tell you this - I won't stop until I've made it to the finish line.  I know I have a lot of work to lose that hip fat, but dammit, I'm going to achieve it.  I BELIEVE!! :D 

And once the fat loss cycle is done with, the muscle gain cycle will begin, and a whole new series of befores and afters will make the journey that much more fun :)

So, here's to enjoying this body now because it's only going to be here for a short while longer :))

OH! And, week 15 stats :)

New Music Tuesday!

Happy Tuesday!

I was doing HIIT at the gym this morning and was thinking to myself how critical my music is to the success of my workout - especially if I'm in the gym.  Honestly, I wouldn't be able to workout without music (unless I was outdoors, but even that's still questionable).

So I thought I'd share my favorite playlists right now and see if I can get any suggestions from you! I’m always searching for new songs to rock out to during my cardio sessions, particularly when I’m doing HIIT.  Nothing motivates me more than good music (or DE-motivates me, if the music sucks!)

A lot of people always suggest songs like Eye of the Tiger or other old school rock songs.  I’m not a rock / heavy metal fan.  I prefer something with a thick fast beat and lots of momentum :)

First and foremost, I use Pandora on my iPhone and iPod a LOT.  My gym workouts usually revolve around one of the following Pandora stations:

1.      Cascada station (Cascada is a Swedish electronic artist.  She produces great house music with lyrics and good sounds.  Her claim-to-fame hit is “Evacuate the Dancefloor” – YouTube video HERE)

2.      Skrillex station (Skrillex is a house/electronic DJ artist).  Deadmau5 is another good station, as is the “Cracks” by Freestlyers station (youtube link to the song, HERE)

3.      Almost any remix channel of Rhianna's "Only Girl (In the World)” (The Liam Keegan one is good, link HERE).  While the song in an of itself isn't particularly stellar, I've found that the remix channels of this one song are awesome - they draw on a wealth of house and electronized pop culture and pop underground songs.

As for actual iTunes playlists, I have a few, and this one is my latest obsession.  If I could listen to it clock-round, I would.  But I save it for one specific workout - my Sunday morning beach 10ks I run in the sand.  The music gets me really excited and pumped up and I need that energy to get me thru it!  (PS, can you tell that I made the playlist after a break-up? Ha!)

1.  Drive By by Train

2.  We've Only Just Begun  by Run Kid Run

3.  Stronger by Britney Spears

4.  Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson

5.  Remember the Name by Fort Minor

6.  Blackout by Breathe Carolina

7.  I Don't Wanna Be In Love by Good Charlotte

8.  My Heart Starts Beating by Beat Union

9.  Starstrukk by 3OH!3

10.  Soldier by Eminem

11.  Shake it Out by Florence + The Machine

12.  Come Right Out and Say It by Relient K

13.  Naturally by Selena Gomez

14.  Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie

15.  Lose Yourself by Eminem

16.  Toxic by Britney Spears

17.  Womanizer by Britney Spears

18.  Keep Going by Taio Cruz

19.  I Don't Care About You by the Get Busy Committee

20.  Gimmie More by Britney Spears

21.  Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z

Some new, some old.... they get me moving :)  My absolute favorites are #2 and #18.  they are strategically placed because I've noticed that I need them at specific times in my workout.  And #7 is just a fabulous song in and of itself.  Listen to the lyrics when you can.  Transatlanticism is a bit of an odd ball because it is slow and stretched out, but I love the momentum the song picks up toward the end, plus it has a very very deep and personal meaning to me, it reminds me of when I was in absolute love with a friend of mine who lived in Sweden but it just didn't work out between the two of us because of the distance.  We had spoke about one of us moving to be with the other, but it just wasn't possible... despite our love for one another, that commitment was too life-changing for either of us to handle.

Anyway, happy New Music Tuesday, now get out there and pump some iron! :D