Weeks 10, 11 and 12: A Super Long Update...plus, the dreaded... PROGRESS PHOTOS :/

So, I finally passed the "Week 11" threshold.  Oh, glorious week 11... it was at the 11th week that I started to see progress in 2012, and I am officially seeing a lot of progress now! I'm having to tighten my bikini bottoms, clothes that didn't fit do now... I'm feeling amazing!  I'll detail these items below with my first release of PROGRESS PHOTOS!

UPDATE ON THE GENERAL PROCESS:
I am finding it increasingly difficult to check in on a weekly basis to blog, though I have so many thoughts, ideas, and tidbits I want to document in my transformation.

My work schedule has been chaotic -- I've been logging 10+ hour days at the office for the past 5 weeks.  Nonetheless, I have stuck to my workout plan.  Some days have been extremely hard to muster up the energy to produce a quality workout.  In those times, I draw upon my favorite motivational YouTube video (link: CLICK HERE) and my list of reasons why I am on this journey (which I will post later).  It's a funny thing -- when you want something SO badly, it's hard to imagine you'll ever find yourself in a place so difficult, exhausting, or otherwise seemingly impossible, that you lose your focus and begin to think that how you are feeling now (negatively) is not worth the toll your goals demand.  Several times last week I felt myself wanting to just quit for a couple days.  My body and my mind were drained, and there was one point (Thursday of last week, as I recall so clearly) where I remember sitting in the employee kitchen eating my pre-workout meal thinking to myself, "What am I doing?? I need to go home and sleep.  This workout is impossible."  Normally, I probably would have listened to that intuitive voice.  But I had scheduled an extra rest day last week for Friday, and decided to tough it out on Thursday.

As the funny meme suggests, rarely does one ever regret a workout.  Thursday reeeeally pushed my limits on believing there are no exceptions to this meme.  Even after toughing out as hard of a workout as I could (which, I'll admit, I still cut some corners and simply couldn't pull myself together enough to produce a strong cardio segment), I wondered if I hadn't actually done more harm than good by not giving my body the rest it craved.


Strangely, though, the next day I felt flush full of energy and, after getting dismissed early from work, decided I had the time and strength to do a regular workout.  Go figure.

The boy and I.  Sadness! :*(

One other wrench thrown into my life plan a couple weeks ago was that my boyfriend and I broke up.  I won't get into the details, but suffice it to say the event translated into some SERIOUS workouts in the gym.  I just ran and lifted my way out of sorrow, and I'm feeling great for it.  The break-up also means I have full control over my time and diet now, which means I can focus more on my goals and getting to where I want to be.  It hurts, and its sad, but the beauty about having a passion and a project to work on, is that you stay distracted and focused on what you love; the positive. I used to be an emotional eater, but through the course of diet and training (particularly back in 2012), I re-trained my mind to console myself with other feel-good things that didn't involve food, which also helped me cope throughout the past couple weeks and stay on track.  Shopping, splurging on a massage, taking long contemplative bike rides or walks.... sometimes even just going to a local park and people-watching has had healing powers over me.  But mostly, keeping myself busy -- working on those projects that I've let build up, splurging on new gardening tools and planting something, etc -- has been, in a word, "EPIC" at healing a broken heart without the use of junk food or wallowing on the couch instead of getting up and staying on track. 

UPDATE ON WORKOUTS
One new thing I have added into my routine over the past 3 weeks is a circuit training day in place of my regular Back/Chest day.  I've been taking one of those platforms that people use for step aerobics and stacking it onto 5 or 6 risers and placing it in a secluded part of my gym.  Then I do 100 jumps with a jump rope, immediately kneel on the makeshift bench and crank out 8 reps of a 35-lb single arm row (8 reps for each arm), then go immediately lay down on the bench and do 10 reps of a 27.5lb dumbbell chest press (27.5lbs per dumbbell), and then go right into a 45 second plank on the floor.  I aim for 6 sets of this, and done quickly enough, it has an exhaustive cardio element to it.

I have decided that each month, I will replace one of my normal lifting routines with a circuit just to keep things varied. Next week I will start a circuit for biceps and triceps.  Just got to research and plan one out.

UPDATE ON NUTRITION
I had several weeks in a row of SUPER solid nutritional planning.  I didn't feel the desire to cheat, so I stuck to a very clean (very boring!) meal plan, because it seemed to work.  I had my regular unsweetened bran flakes w/ skim milk for breakfast, 3 poached boneless/skinless chicken tenderloins w/ 3 cups steamed spinach and 1/2 cup cooked plain barley for lunch, 1/2 cup of roasted pistachios with a Quest Bar for an afternoon snack, a banana & 3 tbsp natural peanut butter for pre-workout, and then 6 eggs scrambled (2 yolks, 4 whites) with 4 cups of steamed spinach and a Cutie tangerine for dinner.  If I was extra hungry, I'd have a recovery protein shake directly following my workout. 

Café Gratitude "Awakening" pie... DIVINE.

In Week 11, however, I had a variety of cheat meals.  Two Sundays ago, my best friend's mom cooked a traditional Irish feast for St. Pat's.  We're talking full-fat corned beef, cabbage/carrots, soda bread, BBQ asparagus, and then a berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream for dessert.  I had seconds -- of both!! It felt SO good, and really gave my body a boost.  I woke up feeling re-fueled and good.  But then on Wednesday I had a date (already... yikes!) and we went to a DELICIOUS vegan restaurant.  It was all natural and organic, but nonetheless I know I blew my macros out of the park with dessert alone (which happened to be a Key Lime and Avocado Cream Pie -- maybe the most delicious thing I have ever had.  Bravo, Café Gratitude!) And THEN, on Friday, my friend ordered Thai food for all of us, and I completely gorged myself on coconut curry and pad Thai.  So, it was a cheat WEEK for me.  But I don't feel bad about it at all.  In fact, I feel great! I'm glad I infused some extra calories and new foods into my diet.  Kinda give my metabolism a break, give my mental state a break, and now I'm more than motivated to get back onto the plan and push for another 2-3 super clean weeks before I splurge again in April.

The Plan for this Week
My plan for this week is to stay the course.  Today and Thursday will be legs day at the gym plus solid intervals on the elliptical.  On Tuesday I plan to run 5 miles, and then do my final back/chest circuit plus a chest/posterior delt fly and assisted pull ups.  Wednesday is my day off but will be an active rest - I'll go for a walk, and do my therapy for my back.  Friday will either be a day off if I plan to play volleyball on Saturday, otherwise it will be biceps, triceps, shoulders and some kind of cardio (maybe hill repeats).  I wish I had access to a pool.

And not, for the long awaited.... PROGRESS PHOTOS!
Shit just officially got real.  Don't judge me for how soft I was when I started back up again.  I as practically on bed rest for all of 2013 :(

This was after week 1

After week 3.  Still had a fluffy belly in full effect!

This was after week 5.  Super hard time because it had already been 35 days and I could see how far I still had to go.  My face says it all.

After week 10.  Starting to see a little definition.  Clothes are starting to fit better.  A smile of hope on my face after 63 days!

Week 11 - More progress, bigger smiles :)

Week 12 - My current state -- still a long ways to go, but finally some visible progress

So, clearly I have a looong ways to go -- especially in the legs department, but my hands are tied there until my therapist gives me clearance to start doing squats, deadlifts, and really any exercise involving the quads.  Right now I'm only allowed to do hams and glutes.  For the record, I haven;t fit into those bikini bottoms since 4 months into my progress in 2012, so I feel like I'm right on track :)

More progress photos in  a month or so!

Week 9: How Bad Do You Want It?

"When you want  to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you will be successful"
-Eric Thomas

In week nine, I realized something very important:  I am going to succeed.  I have this one dream, and sometimes it seems so far-fetched given the limitations my back problem poses, but it doesn't matter; I'm going to achieve every single one of my goals.  It might take me longer than 6 months.  It might take me longer than 6 years.  But one day, I will be on this blog posting about how NOTHING is impossible if you want it bad enough to do whatever it takes.

Dr. Eric Thomas's words have spoken to me for 2 years now.  His speech (some of which is posted in the video at the end of  this blog) propelled me through the tough times in 2012 when I first starting chasing after this crazy dream, and they have now taken my hand once again.  I spent all of 2013 sitting on the sidelines, stuck on bed rest, not even being able to walk without pain.  Patience was no option when all I felt, all day long, was that bloodlust to get back in the gym and keep working toward my goal.  Fate had a different path in mind for me.

There's this funny thing about dreams -- the ones for which we are intoxicatingly fervent -- they never let us go.  They haunt us until we haunt them.  For some of us, if we're lucky, we have a vision that provokes the same feelings in us as a desperate, unrequited love - a love we can't bear to live without, a love that chokes us in our sleep and occupies every thought, every moment, and every action we make in life.  

For me, building my physique is something so much more than the superficial.  It is so much more than a physical state of being.  It even transcends being an emotional, spiritual or psychological transformation; it is the complete intermixing of each of these qualities of being human, and then more.  

Just last week, GORGO posted this photo on their Facebook Page.

To some, it may appear just a typical motivational meme.  To me, it summed up in one sentence the very essence behind this drive I have within to achieve my goal. When I first started seriously training in 2012, it WAS only just about looking good.  In fact, the very words out of my own mouth in my first blog post on this site were, "Why doesn't my body look like the elite athlete I feel like I work so hard for it to be!?"  It was always about outward appearances.  It was always about slaving away at the gym to have the results -- never about the process.  Like a desk jockey who throws away 9 hours of their day every weekday just to have a paycheck in the end -- and not actually enjoying their craft at all.  But it didn't matter; all I wanted was the body to show for it.

That is, until I tasted the first moment of what it felt like to be strong.  That first moment I looked in the mirror and saw with my eyes the difference.  That moment when I realized all the time I spent researching, constructing routines, following the advice of the experts, cleaning up my diet and REFUSING to make excuses or fall to temptations.  That time I felt my lats flex for the first time, and felt over come with empowerment.  I felt.... invincible.  Capable.  I felt like I had somehow righted all of the wrongs from my past by proving to myself that I could set my mind to a goal and accomplish it on my own.  I felt an overwhelming pride of ownership in who and what I was, and what I had earned.  There is just this ethereal essence of simply existing that can be felt (almost like a high, I would imagine) when you put absolutely everything you have into a task -- more than just blood sweat and tears, but also your heart, your soul, and everything you ever believed about your limitations (and then some!) -- and then to see it finally translate onto your canvas.  It was like breathing fresh air for the first time.  It was the most awake, most alive, I had ever felt.

It was a challenge, and it was exciting, and it was beautiful.  It was an art and a form of expression; it touched upon every element of what I need as a human to live a fulfilling life.

So when all of it was taken away from me so suddenly when I injured my back, it was complete ruin.  I had to ask myself some incredibly difficult questions in the midst of my long recovery, and went through some dark times I'd care never to repeat.

But, here we are. Things will never be as they once were for me, but not a single day passed during my recovery that I ever faltered and my passion for this dream ever faded.  It was always there, waiting for me.  I don't know how long it will take, but I will absolutely be damned if I don't achieve my goal.

The question is, what are my goals?  So far, its just a number: 15%.  That is what I want to get my body fat down to, and to build natural lean muscle.  Whether I actually choose to compete one day is a different story; its more just a personal thing.  I'd also like to be able to run the Big Sur half marathon, and finally win my damn A and AA ratings in volleyball.

Really, I just want to prove to myself that I won't let the circumstances if life snuff me out. Not yet, at least.

Week Nine was solid.  I ramped up my workouts -- particularly my cardio, to increase my caloric burn and help with the leaning out phase.  I did a LOT of stretches for my back each day, and it helped tremendously.  I continued with my weight training but took extra precaution on legs day.  I stuck to my diet, and acknowledge I will need to be on top of my diet more on the weekends.  Week 10 will be about continued vigor in cardio, an increase in weights, the addition of a new circuit training day, and clamping down more on my diet. 

"Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, or an hour, or a day -- or even a year.  But eventually, it WILL subside. And something else will take its place.  The most important thing is this: To be able to, at any moment, sacrifice what you are, for what you will become."
--Eric Thomas

Week Six and Seven: The Good, Bad and Ugly (Oh who are we kidding; it was all just ugly)

I know I'm nearing the end of Week 7, but I skipped Week 6's blog.  And for good reason; it was a bad week.  What can I say?

A Summary of Week 6:

1. Valentine's Day:  V-day was the Friday before Week 6 started for me.  I felt my left glute hurt in a way signifying my back was going on the fritz.  I decided I would spend the weekend resting.  I ate healthy more or less, but didn't work out and my back definitely was wonky.  And I definitely splurged on Valentine's with the BF - big steaks, strawberry shortcake and champagne.  Oh well!  
2. Monday, Wednesday and Friday of Week 6:  90-minute physical therapy sessions.  Back was awful all week.  Barely worked out at all, all week.  Started to feel really negative about my situation, my body... lots of negativity in Week 6.  Found myself getting angry and jealousy of my boyfriend when I saw him come home all a hot sweaty mess from his workouts.  Made me feel helpless and trapped in a body that wouldn't let me do all the things I had so much crazy passion and energy to do.
3. Wednesday of Week 6: Did I mention I went out with my girlfriends for dinner and only had $11 and, in my refusal to use my credit card (a New Years Resolution I've stuck to!), I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries!? I chocked it up to a cheat meal, but really it was just stupid reasoning on my part, especially knowing my back was bad and I wouldn't be working out for a while.
4. Saturday: Watched the UFC fight with my boyfriend at Dave and Buster's.  The buffet served:  Mac n' Cheese, sliders, fried chicken and Cesar salad.  My only option was the salad, though I'm pretty sure it had more calories in it than any of the other options.  Did I confess yet that I also had a mai tai AND a long island ice tea? I haven't had alcohol since Halloween of 2013. I somehow rationalized that I was taking a break from diet/exercise until my back was healed.  Please tell me where the logic was in that?
5. Sunday:  Spent the whole day on the couch.  Granted it was to rest my back so that I could start Monday with clean footing, but..... holy Christ.  I feel like I just undid the first 5 weeks of hard work.

And on top of all of this, last Sunday (beginning of Week 7), I had a complete meltdown.  My boyfriend bought one of those scales that purports to tell you your BMI, Body Fat %, Muscle % and Water %.  I'm sure the standard deviation is so high on those things that it's not useful to seriously consider those numbers as even a guideline.  Nonetheless, the scale told me my body fat % was something like 24%.  I know I'm around 20-21% (which is still way higher than I want to be... I got down to 16.7% at the height of my training back in 2012), but it broke my heart.  I excused myself to the bathroom, closed the door, didn't even bother to turn the light on, and just collapsed into a heap and started to cry.  I kept reflecting on July of 2012.  It was the highest point of my life -- hands down.   I am addicted to that feeling I felt back in June/July 2012 when I was at my peak and felt like not anything in the whole world could stop me.  I loved myself, I loved my body, I loved the strength and liberation.  And sometimes, it is incredibly hard to keep the faith that I will find a way of getting back to that place.

But then I read this post and it reminded me that I am only on Week 6/7 of my 2014 journey; it took 6 months before I reached my high point in 2012.  I'm still at the base of this mountain -- not all hope is lost on me yet.  So I dried my eyes, picked myself up off the floor, and resolved to start over again.  I would have to go slower in 2014, and I would have to be smarter; but it's not impossible.  NOTHING is impossible.

A Summary of Week 7 (so far):

Exercise

Today is Thursday (of Week 7) and I'm happy to report that my back is doing pretty ok now.  I've gone easy on my workouts - no HIIT, no increasing my weights to new PR levels.  I've been focusing on perfecting form, not lifting heavier.  I also have had to adopt a new routine of intense therapy and warm-ups.  I used to do 5 minutes of cardio warm up, go straight into weights, and then round it out with 45 minutes of cardio and about 30 minutes of stretching/therapy for my back.  I now start with 30 minutes of stretching and such for my back, then do 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill to warm my body up and loosen my muscles, then I go into my weights routine, and then I do 20-30 minutes of actual calorie-burning cardio (which I hope to turn into HIIT next week), followed by another 30 minutes of stretching and cool-down.  It results in exhausting 2.5 - 3 hour gym sessions, but if that's the price I have to pay to continue rehabbing my back whilst safely working toward my goals, then that's a price I'm willing to pay.

Week 7 has simply been about re-adopting a modus operandi of consistency:  Getting back into the swing of things.  No coffee, no treats, stick to my meal plan, no crazy workouts but stick to the routine as usual.  I need to get a "Reassurance Week" under my belt to prove that I'm still in this game and so is my back.

Diet

I changed my diet up a little bit this week.  I began making my dinners for breakfast - 4 egg whites and 1 whole egg scrambled with a little Daiya (dairy-free) cheese, 3 cups of steamed spinach and 4 black olives on the side.  It replaced my bowl of cereal in the morning.  But unfortunately, I need that cereal.  It's just plain bran flakes but my stomach reeeeeally responds well to the fiber in it (it does not respond similarly to fibers in fruits/veggies or other grains).  So at night, after my workout, I've been having a protein shake and then a small serving of the cereal with non-fat milk.  I know I am breaking all kinds of rules about carbs at night or whatever, but it's the only real carbohydrate I get in the day (other than my pre-workout banana), so I don't feel guilty. 

Goals For Next Week:

Week 7 - the "week of consistency" - was improved, but not perfect.  I didn't have time to meal prep last weekend, so I've been eating just whatever's in my pantry and freezer for my lunches.  Today I will write up my new meal plan for "Back in Action" Week 8, and will keep my eyes, heart and brain completely focused on good form at the gym, diligent stretching, strict diet, and really just making myself a sacrificial lamb to my dreams. The fire and desire are still so alive and hungry inside of me.  It's time to take it to the next level and try to push for as much results as I can manage.  I remember in 2012, once I finally began reaping results, i looked back most fondly to the dark, challenging, doubtful times of the beginning, when things seemed so hard and results weren't coming.  I think I had such warm memories of those times because that is the cost of pursuing your dream - walking through the fire.  And when you stick to your guns and suffer through the necessary hazing of what your dreams require of you, it is such an accomplished, empowering feeling; you feel you have rightfully earned all you have.

I haven't weighed myself or taken progress photos since Week 5.  I will change that this evening.  I think its important to document all the phases of this journey -- because one day I WILL get to where I want to be, and I will want mementos to remind me of what I had to overcome. 

Week Five, 2014: Turning Corners

I re-read my blog post from 2012 when I made it to Week 5 the first time I took a stab a diet and exercise.  The post can be found here.  When this adventure was brand new to me in 2012, it took me 5 weeks to cut out coffee creamer, diet soda, and actually cook my own meal for the first time.   I also indicated that I hadn't noticed any physical changes, though I had so much energy (didn't need to take naps before my afternoon workouts) and my skin and hair looked shiny and smooth.

I am so proud that the groundwork I laid in 2012 has stuck with me through now.  I never did go back to coffee creamer (I drink my coffee black, if ever) or diet soda; I cook ALL my meals now; and I continue to have great energy levels.  I actually can't remember the last time I felt like I needed a nap?

Anyway, enough reminiscing... :)

Weekly Update:

The updates for week 5 are as follows:

1. My back bothered me for much of last week, likely because my muscles were fatigued and sore.  And they were fatigued and sore from my workouts of last weekend -- the hike and the run, in conjunction with my normal workouts last week, really did me in.  So I took a rest day on Friday and Sunday -- Sunday I literally did nothing but lay on the couch and watch the Olympics.   My back has thanked me a million times over, and I'm ready for my workouts this week!
2. I have continued to increase the pace of my runs and the intensity of my lifting -- back in 2012, I rarely increased my weights.  I was much more focused on completing my target of 4 sets of 12 reps.  This year, I am trying to do it the right way - continue to increase the weight so I can barely crank out 8 reps per set.  Last Thursday I did a 45lb barbell bicep curl, which is the heaviest I have ever done.  I did 4 sets of 8 reps and just about died on the last 2 reps of each set. I feel it in my biceps today.
3. I played volleyball on Saturday and it kicked my butt.  I really love that sport, but it's becoming abundantly clear to me that I much more prefer the safety and structure of gym training.  Whenever I get on the beach, I fear I'm going to do something to tweak my back.  I'm beginning to really question allowing volleyball in my life -- at least, at a competitive level.  I wore a heart rate monitor on Saturday.  It was actually for only 3 hours of game play (I forgot to turn it off for almost an hour afterwards.)  And this includes about 20 minutes of rest between games... beach volleyball is seriously serious.  (See photo below).

1820 cals in 3 hrs of volleyball & 51 mins of laying around

In other news, I've begun doing research on how I can honestly start putting on real muscle.  I understand now that I need to have a caloric surplus to grow, and that scares me.  I only have about 4 or 5 pounds more to go before I am sufficiently lean and ready to start amassing muscle.  I just wish I could burn fat AND gain muscle at the same time.  Is that not possible?  I dunno.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm down about 2 lbs from when I first started, which puts me right on track for loosing 1/2-lb a week, which was what my goal was, and I achieved it by taking in the caloric load that the online calculators suggested, which is nice.  I just fret about how to turn that corner -- it's something I have never, ever, EVER done.  I have NEVER willingly ate a caloric excess to gain muscle weight.  I don't know how to do it, I don't know what it will look or feel like.... getting into shape has only ever looked and felt like a moderate restriction and change of macro composition to limit carbs and unnecessary fats.  

Because I am beginning to notice changes in my body much sooner than I did back in 2012, I credit that to knowing what to do this time around, based off of what I learned to work in 2012.  Because of that, within the next month or 2 I should be in a position to take on a new project: learning how to grow muscle.

I feel fortunate in having a boyfriend who's been there and done that, but something about his indoctrination to Crossfit has me cautiously skeptical of certian tips or his, or fitness advice.  Regardless, we've discussed it and he's going to help me build a workout program once I've leaned out enough.  I really appreciate his gentle encouragement not to cheat.  As I've stated before, it's difficult sometimes because I'm trying to cut while he is trying to bulk, so I have to be mindful not to follow his eating patterns when we're together, and he has to be mindful not to influence me, either.

I cannot, positively CANNOT wait to get my leanness knocked out and start the journey to putting muscle mass on.  That has been something I've looked forward to now for many years, and I hope to figure it out and share my journey here for others who are in the same boat as me now.

What's In Store This Week?

This week, I plan on pursuing the following goals:

1. Stick to the same diet as last week - it worked well.  
2. No cheats for Valentine's day.  Last weekend I had a huge sushi feast on Saturday night, and not the best adherence to my macros on Sunday.  So I'm gonna be good on Friday :)
3. Continue to drink a minimum of 80 fl oz of water a day.
4. Increase my weekly run to 45 minutes at a 1.5% incline and 6.8 - 7.0 mph consistent pace.  2 Weeks ago I was going 45mins at 1.0% include and 6.0-6.2 mph.  Last week, I did 45 mins at 1.5% @ 6.5-6.8 mph.
5. Increase ALL my lifts by 5lbs-10lbs (depending on muscle group) with the exception of my barbel curls, which I just increased by 10lbs last week.
6. I want to try carb cycling - low carbs on my non-training day by cutting out my afternoon banana and replacing it with a protein shake.

I think those are manageable goals that keep me on track, for now :) Omg... I PROMISE TO POST PROGRESS PHOTOS!!  I just need to pick them out and edit them all together.  Stay tuned!

Week Four, 2014: Starting To See Results???

Let's not kid ourselves; I have a ways to go. But...could it be???

I know I said I would post progress photos by Week 4, but I'm just not there yet.  With that said, however, I am happy to announce that last Friday I looked in the mirror and for the first time so far, I was able to feel a difference! I can't see it... and my clothes still more or less fit the same, but I have a general sense of feeling stronger, and slightly "tighter". 

Strange things are going on with my body as it is; I was put on the wrong birth control last month which always messes me up (bloating, etc), but my cycle is due to start any day now, so I'm hoping once I clear this week and get back on my regular prescription next week, I might see a lot more progress than I already do. With that said, you know how the moniker goes...

4 weeks for me to notice; 8 weeks for my circle to notice, 12 weeks for outsiders to notice.  Maybe by this time next week, I actually will be in a position of experiencing something I haven't felt since the summer of 2012: The extreme joy of seeing hard work pay off.

But alas, I am in no hurry.  I was so desperate for outward results the last time I transformed my body.  But this time is more... spiritual.  It's the mental pleasure of knowing I am following through on a commitment.  It's waking up each morning remembering I stuck to my plan and did what I needed to do, pushed through and gave 110% in my workout, and had the soreness in my chest or calves to prove for it.  This time is different because I know this will work, I just need to give it time.  And there is something special to be said this time about waking up and starting my days.  It's like every day is a gift to me right now... every day I've been able to awaken and realize that I "just a normal day" before my back injury is a complete treasure to me now, to be able to get up and do whatever I want.  Such a sense of freedom and empowerment is never a bad way to begin a new day.

My Superbowl 10k rum time and caloric burn

In other news, my boyfriend was away with friends for most of last week through the weekend, which gave me the unique opportunity to have some time to myself.  And I realized just how much I cherish the shit out of my alone time.  I did a sunrise hike on Saturday followed by circuit weight training, ran a ton of errands, did my meal planning, scrubbed my balcony clean and organized my plants to prepare for a new garden, and got a solid night's sleep.  On Sunday I ran the local annual Super Bowl 10k -- and logged my fastest 10k time ever at 55:15, had a lovely lunch with my mom and sister, dropped by a Super Bowl party until half time, then went home and cooked myself a yummy dinner, did my nails, and went to bed early.

If it's anything I can say about the week that just passed, it's that relief has never felt so good.  My back has tolerated what I have been putting it through; I had a very successful physical therapy session on Friday last week, and treating myself out to weekly massages has helped keep my muscles limber.  I'm beginning to realize that investing in my body - whether that is through nutrition, rest, or prophylactic treatment - is worth its weight in gold. I "celebrated" my 1-year anniversary of injuring myself last Tuesday, and to be able to spend last week doing such a diverse array of activities such as training, running, and hiking on a whim has been just completely exhilarating.

I have modified my diet for this week to be composed of the following:

It doesn't quite hit my goal of 1,800 calories a day, but then again, I just haven't had the appetite to eat that much food yet.  Once my appetite increases, I'll match it with more food, but I seem to have reached a happy spot of calories in/calories out. My sugar intake is still on the high side, but I'll whittle it down in due time.

That is all, for now!

Week Three, 2014: The Good and The Bad

Today begins my 3rd week of diet & training.

The exercise front has been SOLID.  I've stuck to my game plan, and things have gone swimmingly.  I had intended to play volleyball this weekend but a set of unfortunate circumstances kept me from playing.  So on Saturday, I cruised to the gym and did the following workout, and it was great! Left me exhausted, a little sore, and a LOT hungry :D

1) 45-lb dumbbell curls (4 sets of 8-10 reps). During rest, I did a 45-minute plank between each set

2) 7.5-lb free weight shoulder flys (4 sets of 8 reps). In between sets I did a 10 reps of tricep dips on the bench.

3) 15-lb Single arm tricep extensions (4 sets of 10 reps). While one arm was resting, I did the other arm.

4) 40-lb shoulder press (4 sets of 8 reps). In between sets, I did 5 box jumps.

5) HIIT on the elliptical. Level 10 cross ramp, 30 seconds at a level 10 resistance, 30 seconds of sprinting at level 15 resistance. Repeated for 20 minutes with a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down after.

Yesterday I allowed to be a rest day.  I told myself that I would be generous in allowing my body to heal to avoid wrecking it again, so I had no guilt or qualms about it.

Diet has been a different story. I have felt awfully heavy and bloated the past couple weeks which has been a big blow to my motivation considering as how I feel heavier now than I did when I started 3 weeks ago.  I think it's mostly water weight gain from my birth control (my doc prescribed me the wrong kind, it always messes me up!), but still -- on Sunday afternoon, I was driving home and realized that diet is the only thing between me and my goals.  I write-up meal plans but I find myself improvising FAR too often, especially on the weekends.  It's like being on a budget, but still using the credit card when I run out of cash.

The good thing and bad thing about my journey this time is that I am in a serious relationship.  The good thing is that he is a Crossfitter and former physique builder himself, who understands every component of what is required to lean out and then build up.  He is a great cook, very supportive, and we've decided to do this together -- he's going to get back into true competition shape alongside me.  The bad thing is that we are complete opposites.  He is a very lean guy who maintains a constant state of lean muscle despite having taken the past 4 months off of working out because of work travel demands and the holidays.  I, on the other hand, find it unjustly difficult to shed body fat, even when rigorously following a diet protocol.  We have different dietary needs, and considering as how I really like him and want to make him happy and impress him, the meals I cook tend to suit his need to bulk instead of my need to cut.  Case in point? Dinner last night:

While this looks healthy, it was entirely too much food.  I didn't finish it, But the baked potato should have been halved (and it should have been a sweet potato) and plain, not with sour cream on it.  Veggies were delicious but I admittedly was a little over zealous with the use of coconut oil to saute the mushrooms and broccolini.  The thing that kills me is that I could have easily just steamed my veggies and sauteed his, but alas, I chose not to.

I thought that diet would be the easiest part of this 2nd stab at my fitness journey because I was so successful with it in 2012.  Then again, it took me about 6 weeks to really figure it all out.  Suffice it to say, my grace period expired the second I woke up this morning.  I need to stick to my meal plan, have it well-thought out, use Sunday to prep meals (my boyfriend is gonna do it, too!), and not deviate except for my every-other-week cheat meal.

In better news, I bought a new heart rate monitor!  I replaced my Polar FT4 with a new one of the same model.  I'm going to wear it to gauge my workout tonight, then I'm going to put it on at bed time and not take it off for 24-hours.  Gonna see what the approximate caloric burn will be for me.  Traditional RMR calculators suggest I burn 1,426 calories a day at rest.  That is about 59 calories an hour.  When I multiply this by a factor of  1.62 (which is between "Moderately Active" and "Very Active", considering as I workout 4 days a week at the gym and then play pretty competitive volleyball consistently on the weekends), it suggests I burn 2,310 calories in total in a day, with exercise included.  If my experiment succeeds, my heart rate monitor will indicate this many calories after 24 hours.  Based on that number, I will subtract 500 calories to create a gentle deficit, and will build a final meal plan around that number.  I don't expect my diet to deviate much from 1700-1800 calories.

I know talking about calories drives people mad because often times we over think things and replace common sense with obsessive mania.  But the truth is, diet is a necessity in obtaining results.  And I inherently know I am doing my diet wrong.  And I am the type that needs black-and-white guidelines.  Just tell me what to do or not do, and I will get it done.

At the end of week 4, I plan on posting my first series of progress photos and stats.  Stay tuned!

Week Two, 2014: Those Tough Decisions

We're at the beginning of Week 2 of my 2014 Road to Results tour.  Last week was a really good start.  I stuck to my small goals (drinking three to four 20-oz glasses of water, cutting out all the crappy snack foods I was eating and replacing them with fruit, and adhering to a prescribed workout routine).  I stuck to my plan, and my back feels great!

But, I recognize that diet really needs to come under the microscope.  I am just "guesstimating" my intake, and while I said I would give myself till February 1 to continue to eat breakfast cereal, I struggle with portion controlling it.  Never ever ever ever EVER trust your eyeballs when it comes to something that is a dietary weakness for you.  Eyeballs are little liars! :P

So, this week, it's time to start making the first of many tough decisions -- reeling in my diet whether I'm ready to or not.  I know that after the first few days, the mental anguish will be replaced with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and a feeling like I am making real moves toward achieving my goals.  Still, it's gonna suck.

I need to either find a way to fix my heart rate monitor or else replace it altogether so I can get a sense of how many calories I am actually burning in a day.  The meal plan I begin to build is really only useful if I am indeed burning the amount of calories I think I am.  For now, I used an online calculator (this is a great calculator: http://vonblancofitness.com/fat-loss/how-to-calculate-calories-needed-for-fat-loss-muscle-gain-or-maintenance/).  My inputs were:

Height: 5'8"
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Current Weight: 142
How much exercise? 5 times/week (intense)

According to this, I need about 2,100 calories to maintain my weight, 1,750 to cut (lose body fat), and 2,600 calories to bulk (gain muscle).  The next 3 months I am dedicating to "gentle" cutting; nothing extreme, but slowly changing the types of food I eat to alter my macronutrient distribution.  For the first two month, I think a healthy plan would be 45% calories from carbs, 33% calories from protein, and 22% calories from fat.  For the third month, I'd go down to a 40-35-25 spread.  Although my body responds most favorably to a low carbohydrate diet, I don't want to do something dramatic and unsustainable in the first couple months because it sort of puts me in a mentally unhealthy spot -- and I'm in this for the long haul.

Week 2 will carry over Week 1's goals (water, no junky snack foods, and the same workout plan).  I will also cut out all coffee and diet soda, and will follow the meal plan below, based on the caloric intake of 1,750 calories as my goal, broken into 788 calories worth of carbs, 577 calories worth of protein and 385 calories worth of healthy fats. Knowing that each gram of carbs and protein equals 4 calories, and each gram of fats equals 9 calories, that would be 197 grams of carbs, 144 grams of protein, and 43 grams of fat.

Disclaimer:  Food Nazi's -- I am aware that this diet is not 100% clean.  I will be making my own homemade lunches starting next week, and will eventually be cutting out dairy.  But those transitions will come in the following weeks. I wanna use up the stuff in my pantry now instead of spend money making new stuff.  

Those extra 85 calories will easily be made up throughout the day, no doubt, when I grab a couple almonds here and there, or beef jerky at the office, etc. :)

In terms of how I'm feeling.... I feel like I lack the sense of urgency I felt the first time I did this journey back in 2012.  Maybe it's because I already know what I need to do... I'm just generally not feeling confident in my diet plan.  I never know if I'm eating too much... too little... I'm feeling like I should just hire a sports nutritionist and be done with it already.


Anyway, those are just my thoughts.  Week 2... over and out!

Week One, 2014: Everything is Different

I took Week 1 progress photos today; definitely not gonna show those here for a month or so.  Things do not look pretty!

What can I say about Week 1 so far?  Everything is different from the last time I began the journey of clean eating and training in 2012.  Last time, I jumped in head first; I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew it was gonna suck (at least in the beginning), and my thought process was that if I was going to suffer, I was going to do everything in my power to milk as many results as I possibly could out of it.  I obsessed over diet, I would do 2 hours of cardio a night (and about 15 minutes of weights on a good day...), I would work out sometimes 3 times a day....  It took me months to get it straight.  But those first weeks were exhilarating, because it was the first time I felt myself moving mountains and it excited me.

This time around, things are different.  Instead of diving in head first, I've had to enter the shallow end of the pool.  I'm easing myself into the routine and the lifestyle.  I'm setting small goals, and I'm setting deadlines too.  Goals for last week were simply to drink three 20-oz glasses of water a day, cut out my afternoon chocolate fix and follow a prescribed workout pattern.  Goals this week are the same as last week, plus adjustments to my diet -- nothing too crazy, just having egg whites and spinach for dinner each night, cutting out the crap snacks I was sneaking in and replacing them with fresh fruit, and measuring portions.  Little challenges that turn to little victories and get me feeling like I am able to undertake this monster of a journey again.

Another difference is the excitement of it all.  I have moments where I am so excited and willing to do whatever it takes in order to have those feelings again like I did 4 or 5 months into my 2012 regime where I'd wake up and want to cry, I was just that happy.  Every morning I'd get dressed in front of the mirror and marvel at the results, and I felt so accomplished and empowered and beautiful and it was the best thing, a way I never felt before.  I hunger for that feeling everyday.  But today at the gym, I felt weary.  I knew how long it would take in order to start even seeing results -- in 2012, it wasn't until Week 11 that I really began to see any changes.  11 weeks! that's almost 3 months! Here I was only 2 official days into my routine.  I'm willing to go the distance, I just know I will have to draw on faith and courage and inner belief in myself to get me through the beginning days when it feels like so much work is going in, and nothing is coming out.  Patience has never been my strong suit, and sometimes, it completely wears me out.

I also fear about my back, and have to be mindful to set limits and actually respect them.  I worry how my body will feel on Day 4; It's only day 2 and already my chest and glutes are so sore I can barely move! I normally would have celebrated this, but this time, it is cause for concern.  Will this cause my body to lock up? Will my spine start to pop again?  Will the pinched nerves returns?

So much is on the line, but I know one thing for certain:  It is time.  NOW is my time.  If I can continue to set small goals on the diet side, and observe the rules I set for myself on the training side, I should be able to whittle my body fat down to at least 17-18% by summer.  It won't be my best, but it will be enough for me, for now, given my new reality.

I've decided that come the first week of February, I will fully replace cold cereal for oatmeal in the morning, and I will cease the use of dairy. Next week I will incorporate Quest bars into my diet and do away with the Promax bars which have artificial ingredients.  Slowly cleaning up my diet over the course of the next 2 months will serve me my greatest advantage, but easing into it will remain a priority to me.

As far as my training is concerned, this week I will be following this routine:
Monday: 
Back and Chest Day
Bench Press & One-armed Rows
Lat Pull-downs
Chest Fly and Posterior Delt Fly
Seated Row & Planks
Cardio
45 minutes on the elliptical

Tuesday:
Legs Day
Prone Hamstring Curl
Glute Machine
Seated Hamstring Curl and Planks
Calf Raises
Incline Leg Press
Cardio
4 mile run

Wednesday:
Biceps, Triceps and Shoulders Day
Bicep Curls
Shoulder Flys
Tricep Extension
Shoulder Press
Dips and Planks
Cardio
45 minutes on the elliptical

Thursday:
Legs day
Prone Hamstring Curl
Glute Machine
Deadlifts
Glute Extensions and Planks
Glute Bridges and Side Planks
Cardio
45 minutes walking on the treadmill at 10% incline

Friday:  Day-off
Saturday:  Volleyball
Sunday:   Yoga and Rest

I've got to gauge and see if my back can handle this much; I might need to shuffle the days around and take Wednesday as my gym day off, bu I'll make that judgement call tomorrow at work.

So, for this week, I am signing off.  My only thoughts are that I feel scared that my back may sabotage me... and I fear that fear will keep me from believing that if caution is exercised, all will be fine.  So I'm just going to focus on day-to-day, minute-to-minute decisions.  Small goals, resting when I feel I need it, and not beating myself up if I need extra rest days to recover.  This will be a slower journey than 2012, but I'm prepared to put the Tortoise and the Hare theory to the test.
As for diet, I don't expect to be fully clean and on a completely programmed diet until Week 3 or 4

Rebirth

I've spent some time today thinking about what it is about New Years that makes the so-called "resolution" so particularly potent, as if adding one digit to the calendar year has the ability to wash us clean of our sins.  It seems as if New Years is the only time we truly allow ourselves forgiveness; absolution from bad habits, transgressions, messy splurges or anything else weighing us down and pinning us to the floor.  

Forgiveness is sometimes the most important part of a journey.  Whether we feel we are the victim or the culprit, it doesn't matter; we all have chains that hold us down, and we all need to be released before we can move on.

So it is to that end that I sit here now.  January 2014, and reflecting on the past two years and such a varying degree of high highs and low lows.  A week ago, while on the elliptical, a wave came over me and I realized that it was a new year, and I was ready to forgive life for having dealt me such a sour blow last year.  And I'm ready to forgive myself for giving up on myself.  All in one moment, I realized the power of the New Years Resolution; where for some they may be nothing more than whimsical hopes to soon be abandoned, for others there is a force in the NYR that can't just be made up.  There is a power in forgiveness that is so strong and so liberating that the euphoria provides a source of energy that cannot help but thrust you into a new phase of life.  

In January of 2012, I experienced my first such NYR moment.  I had always been into fitness but I did it all wrong, I ate all wrong, and I was sick of the body I had.  So I decided to fold all my excuses up and lock them in a trunk.  I undertook the most incredible task of my life; rethinking the way I live, the way I eat, the way I train, and the way I feel about myself.  The results were greater than anything I've ever achieved in my life, and the feeling of having a lean, toned body capable of any feat I put it to has been like a drug I haven't been able to stop thinking about.  Remember the random half marathon I ran in the deep sand at the beach on Thanksgiving of 2012!?  What an unbelievable feeling to be unstoppable.  The feeling of owning who I was, being proud of everything I was.... it's something I long for in a way I cannot humanly describe.  Every time I achieved one goal, I had two more to replace it.  Setting my mind to things I once thought were impossible was no longer a laughable matter to me, but something that stoked a fire somewhere deep within that never seemed to burn out.

In January of 2013, I suffered a horrific back injury.  I went through ever phase of grief, some of which took months to exit.  I saw all my dreams die.  I watched every part of the death of my dreams; I watched them lugged out to a field, I watched them slowly loaded onto a pyre, and finally in September or so, I lit the match and burned them myself.  All the hard work I put into my physique slowly faded away.  I lost my sense of self; I realized I didn't know who I was without fitness, what I wanted in life without fitness, where I fit in without my training discipline, work ethic and physical evidence of such to show for it.  I fought for almost 9 months to maintain my way of life and my physique as best I could despite my limitations.  Having to give up my passion, volleyball; Bed rest for a month; only being allowed to walk for 9 months.  It wore down my psychology, and that deep bloodlust to take back what was taken from me started to give way to impatience and an overwhelming mental exhaustion of wanting something so bad for so long, with no light at the end of the tunnel near to tell me I could start fighting for it again.

Finally, in September, I met someone, and somewhere between him and the holidays, I found the peace to let go of my dreams and what I wanted so badly to achieve.  I gave in to my new reality and tried to find a place for myself in the mediocre limbo of semi-consciousness and routine adult life.  I tried.

But my back began to get stronger, and I started having the sensation that I was healing enough to entertain the thought about starting the fight back up again.  So last week, on that elliptical, having that sudden surge of hope and belief flood my veins.... it was like magic.  It was then that I decided I wasn't ready to give up yet; I'd have to start all over from the beginning, and I would have to re-tool all my workouts and programs to ensure that I was gentle enough on my back so as not to re-injure it, but.... there was hope!

So here is sit.  I have the exact physique I used to have before January 2012 when I set out on my fitness journey the first time.  Same physique, same bad eating habits, and same fire lit inside to experience the joys all over again of putting my mind and heart to a task and seeing it through to the end.  So I'm going to document it all here, all over again, right from the start.  This is my first entry.  Sure it's a random Wednesday.  It isn't New Years Day; it isn't even the first day of a new week.  But I'm starting now.

My plan for the rest of the week is to follow these steps:

1) Train legs tomorrow, back and chest on Friday, and play volleyball on Saturday and Sunday.

2) Drink a minimum of three 20-oz glasses of water - one in the morning, noon and night.  I'll work my way up to 100-fl oz in due time.

3) Cut out the noon-time chocolate fix I've been giving into.  I'm replacing my immediate sweets cravings with fresh fruit.  Eventually I will phase out fruit for veggies like carrots and peas, but I need a couple weeks to ease into this regime.  

Next week, my diet will set into place.  Giving up cereal right off the bat will be difficult for me, so I've settled on the following:

Breakfast:  2 cups unsweetened bran flakes with 1 cup fat free milk

Snack:  Cup of green tea with a handful of raw spinach, handful of blackberries and a handful of almonds

Lunch:  Homemade chicken, barley and veggie soup (I'm on a big soup kick!) and a little avocado on the side

Snack 1:Low-sugar yogurt and roasted seaweed snack

Snack 2 (Pre-workout): Banana and 2 tbsp Peanut Butter

Dinner: Protein shake and a 3 egg omlete (2 egg whites, 1 yolk) with a little feta cheese, 2 cups of spinach, and a few green olives

This all comes to about 1700 calories.  As I increase the intensity of my workouts, I'll adjust the my macros accordingly.  I think 1,700 is a good place to start. 

I'm taking progress photos every Monday morning, and I'll do measurements every 4 weeks.  So.... here we go! I already feel myself going through a sweets withdrawal right now.  I know that waking up tomorrow morning knowing I didn't cave in, though, is SO much sweeter than a temporary dessert :) 

Progress Report: Week Three -- Workouts, Meal Plans, Progress Photo?

Well, it's not quite 3 weeks, but it's close enough :)

Yesterday marked the start of my 18th week since hurting my back - nearly 4 and a half months.  It feels like it's been an absolute eternity, but when I think about it, if I can recover in 6 - 8 months, that would be pretty reasonable.  

I continue to get stronger and am able to push myself harder in my workouts.  But right now, I only have two different weights routines in rotation, which I alternate every other day:

Routine 1:  Back and Chest

• Seated Row:  4 sets of 10 reps -- 80lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Lat pulldown:  4 sets of 8 reps -- 70lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Bench Press:  4 sets of 8 reps, 30lbs (plus 45-lb bar)
• One arm row: 4 sets (2 on each side) of 10 reps, 27.5-lb dumbbells
• Chest fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 60 lbs.
• Posterior delt fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 40 lbs

Routine 2:  Lower Body + Shoulders and Triceps

• Seated hamstring curls: 4 sets of 10 reps, 90 lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Skull crushers: 4 sets of 8 reps, 45-lb barbell
• Prone hamstring curls:  4 sets of 10 reps, 60 lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Shoulder press:  4 sets of 8-10 reps, 30-40lbs
• Tricep extensions:  4 sets of 8 reps, 45 lbs

I do these weights routines on my lunch break, and round it off with a sprint around the block where my office is (0.7 miles) - which I will be increasing to a block and a half for a full mile.  Before work, I walk on the treadmil for 30-45 mins at 3.4 MPH at a 7.0% incline, and then do specific calisthenics designed for my rehab program, including back hyperextensions, glute bridges and stationary lunges.  After work, I do hill repeats: 5 - 6 sets of speed walking up an incredible mountain-grade incline for 6 minutes, then walking down for 6 minutes.  All of these are designed to continue to build up the posterior of my body to help balance things out and bring my pelvis back into a natural alignment.  Picture to the right is one I took at dusk after an ass-kicking on the mountain doing hill repeats.  It's always worth it. 

It is a bit cardio-heavy, but I've been wearing my heart rate monitor and more or less the sum of all of these workouts equals the caloric burn I was achieving pre-injury, with all of it being gentle enough for my body to handle as it heals.  I do have to take 2 solid gym days off a week (I used to only take 1 off), but I think that plays an important role not only just in helping my back heal.  Here's the number of steps I take in a typical day on this routine!

My current diet stands as follows:

1. Pre-AM Workout Meal:

Medium banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter (strictly measured) and 20 fl. oz. water

2.  Post-AM Workout ("Breakfast")

Protein Shake -- I have been doing an audit of protein powders on the market to see if I could find something as healthy as Shakeology, that I enjoy equally, but that doesn't crush my bank account.  I've settled on Tera's Whey, which - when mixed with boiled milk, makes the most epic healthy hot chocolate!

3.  Mid-Morning Snack

Lydia's Organic raw/vegan/gluten-free sprouted grain bar.  Only 2g of sugar, nothing--absolutely NOTHING fake -- delicious!

4.  Lunch

My latest obsessions:  a 4% extra lean ground beef patty in 1/2 a whole wheat pita with lettuce, tomato, pickles, avocado, ketchup and mustard, with a cup of baby carrots.

5.  Mid-Afternoon Snack

I naturally have a blood sugar dip in the afternoon.  I've tried front loading my carbs, back loading my carbs, and spreading them out throughout the day, and it never fails -- come 2pm, I want something sweet.  Cue the dairy! By this time last year, I was completely free of dairy.  It was an experiment which I grew accustomed to.  But now, I feel variety is important.  And since dairy has protein and some sugar, it really hits that mid-afternoon hole in my regimen. I chose a nonfat Greek yogurt, a low fat string cheese and some mixed nuts to add a little more protein and healthy fat to the snack to round it out.  Add a cup of plain black tea:  perfection :)

6.  Pre-PM Workout Meal

Can't workout on an empty stomach! Come 5:30p, even if I'm not hungry, I eat anyway because it's the only way I'll make it through my hill repeats.  Simple:  1/2 cup of jumbo blueberries, the egg whites of 2 jumbo hard boiled eggs, and 1/2 a dark chocolate mocha NuGo bar.  Also vegan, gluten-free, all-natural AND DELICIOUS.  Oiy!

7.  Dinner

My newest go-to meal:  1 lb. of cubed boneless skinless chicken breast simmered in a jar of Trader Joe's Curry Simmer Sauce with chickpeas and steamed broccoli - makes 4 servings.

All of these meals equate to about 1850 calories with a macro distribution of around 30% fat, 37% carbs, and 33% protein.

I will confess, I haven't weighed myself, taken measurements, or tracked my progress.  I do know my clothes are fitting better though, and I've been taking weekly progress photos which I will be posting in a couple weeks.  I did the same thing last time -- didn't start tracking my stats until I was about a month in… and didn't start taking progress photos until 2 months in. Here's one photo I'm proud of though -- I've been kicking my booty in my workouts in time to wear this dress for the summer.  I'm almost there!

So, there you have it.  I need to continue to stick with my meal plans, be smart about my workouts, continue to get quality rest for my back, and I could be back in the game in only a few months :)  Woo-hoo!

Progress Report: Week One

From my last experience with starting a diet and training program, the first 2 weeks are rough; the first 2 DAYS are the hardest.

Today marks day 2 of being healthy enough to start pushing myself again.  Yesterday I recall getting to that 1 o'clock hour in the afternoon thinking, "Oh god. How am I going to actually make it through this day without chocolate?"

Now, granted, hormones are not on my side right now; I chose a bad time of the month to reboot my journey.  But it is what it is, and I wanted to record my precise thoughts and feelings which I wrote in a pocket diary throughout the day, to get a real-time look at the ups and downs of coming off of sugar.

Day 1:  Common Themes

• 9:45am (This is a real-life, not even kidding statement I said to a co-worker before realizing how outrageous I actually sounded) "All I want right now is to eat a mountain of chocolate and lose 10 lbs.  Why is the universe so unfair!??"
• [Queue hormonal outburst theatrics]
• 11:00am -- I am feeling pretty good.  Breakfast and mid-morning snack have squared me away, I feel like I have a good amount of energy
• 12:00pm - lunch, and then went to lift weights
• 1:15pm -- Major energy slump.  Ate a plain Greek yogurt with a couple sliced up strawberries and it did nothing for me.
• 3:00pm -- So tired, I am falling asleep at my desk.  Have a desperate craving for a sugary treat, although I don't know if it's my body wanting an instant sugar kick, or my mind wanting something psychologically satisfying to help me get through the next 2.5 hours of my workday.
• 4:30pm -- leaving work early.  Need to do cardio, and I'm so tired that I feel nauseous.  I am debating with myself, trying to rationalize and justify a gym day off, but I know it will only make working out tomorrow that much worse because the fatigue, blood sugar issues and mood swings will still be there.
• 6:15pm -- CARDIO! RAWR! I did it, I feel great, but I am staaaarving!
• 8:00pm -- Uninspired by my dinners I had planned this week - an egg white scramble and steamed zucchini.  I want cheap sugar -- snacks.  Cookies.  But I know they won't bring me satisfaction.  I have half a protein bar, some left over boiled chicken and kidney beans, and I did eat a small whole mango that was about to go bad.  I justified that it was wasteful not to eat it, but I do regret it since I wasn't hungry.  I should have cut it up and frozen it. 
• 9:30pm -- Asleep.

All in all, not too bad, although there is just something insanely sucky about feeling SO miserable, and on the one hand you try to convince yourself that it is all for the best, you start envisioning your body in a few months.... and then you undress in front of the mirror and see that muffin top and realize you look as shitty as you feel :/  But I also distinctly remember reflecting on these times as the best, because they are the most gratifying -- being at your worst and STILL pushing through.  This is the stuff that character is made of.

 Day 2:  Common Themes

• 6:00am -- woke up a half hour earlier to give myself more gym time.  My back feels good.  I'm ready to make this a stellar day!
• 6:45am -- at the gym.  Feel sleepy, yawning a lot, but going to make it through this workout.  Carpe diem!  My AM routine consists of 30-45 minutes of incline treadmill walking, and then a lot of stretches and exercises for my back
• 10:15am -- First sugar pangs hit.  I've been having a protein shake before my first AM workout and a banana and PB after, but I'm thinking I need to switch those two things around going forward.  I need to start my workday off with a dose of protein, not sugar.  (Don't tell me to cut my small banana and 2 tbsp of PB out just yet... I eventually will, but right now, it's a morning ritual I don't care to live without.  I gave up coffee over my banana and PB!)
• 12:30pm -- Had lunch, then hit the gym to do weights
• 1:15pm -- Major sugar slump.  Starting to notice the pattern.  Get caught up in work so I don't eat anything just yet -- BIG mistake.
• 3:00pm -- realize I didn't eat my mid-afternoon snack so now I'm starved, and end up devouring my mid-afternoon snack PLUS my pre-PM workout snack.  Fail.  Oh, and I had some chips and salsa :/  Granted they were "healthy chips" and I only had about 10 of them, but still.  NO-NO.
• 5:00pm -- About to leave work to go do cardio.  I feel the same as yesterday -- I'm tired and irritable, but at the same time, I have a little resolve with even just one day under my belt.  I know this is real, and I know that each one of the days like today will add up, and in about 12 weeks I will be reaping some serious rewards for my daily persistence.  Hormones are kicking my butt, but they'll be gone next week.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make this happen.

I have such incredibly strong memories about this time last year.  I was in my PEAK shape in June and July of last year.  I remember feeling so strong and beautiful, I couldn't even believe my eyes when I looked at the gal in the mirror.  My friends and I went to Joshua Tree and I just felt.... I felt like a million bucks.  I feel like for the first time, I had achieved the dream; I had achieved everything I had ever dreamed of, and I didn't take any short cuts.  It was so exhilarating! It's a high I haven't forgotten, and it's a high I want to again.  So I hold that close in my mind, and continue to tell myself it IS possible.

Tonight I will figure out the caloric intake of my current diet, and will modify it for next week.  Getting the right diet down is going to take a week or two of maneuvering until I get the proper distribution of nutrients throughout the day to keep my blood sugar steady.

My goal for this evening is to get my cardio done, go home, steam my zucchini, grill some shrimp, drink a tall glass of water, and call it a night.  But still, right now, I hear the sugar monster quietly whispering in my ear... :/  I will take weekly progress photos like I did last time, but this time I am doing a bikini shot, as well as a picture of these pants that I love that currently do not fit me.  I like that kind of relative perspective :)  I need to take measurements tonight, too!