Rebirth

I've spent some time today thinking about what it is about New Years that makes the so-called "resolution" so particularly potent, as if adding one digit to the calendar year has the ability to wash us clean of our sins.  It seems as if New Years is the only time we truly allow ourselves forgiveness; absolution from bad habits, transgressions, messy splurges or anything else weighing us down and pinning us to the floor.  

Forgiveness is sometimes the most important part of a journey.  Whether we feel we are the victim or the culprit, it doesn't matter; we all have chains that hold us down, and we all need to be released before we can move on.

So it is to that end that I sit here now.  January 2014, and reflecting on the past two years and such a varying degree of high highs and low lows.  A week ago, while on the elliptical, a wave came over me and I realized that it was a new year, and I was ready to forgive life for having dealt me such a sour blow last year.  And I'm ready to forgive myself for giving up on myself.  All in one moment, I realized the power of the New Years Resolution; where for some they may be nothing more than whimsical hopes to soon be abandoned, for others there is a force in the NYR that can't just be made up.  There is a power in forgiveness that is so strong and so liberating that the euphoria provides a source of energy that cannot help but thrust you into a new phase of life.  

In January of 2012, I experienced my first such NYR moment.  I had always been into fitness but I did it all wrong, I ate all wrong, and I was sick of the body I had.  So I decided to fold all my excuses up and lock them in a trunk.  I undertook the most incredible task of my life; rethinking the way I live, the way I eat, the way I train, and the way I feel about myself.  The results were greater than anything I've ever achieved in my life, and the feeling of having a lean, toned body capable of any feat I put it to has been like a drug I haven't been able to stop thinking about.  Remember the random half marathon I ran in the deep sand at the beach on Thanksgiving of 2012!?  What an unbelievable feeling to be unstoppable.  The feeling of owning who I was, being proud of everything I was.... it's something I long for in a way I cannot humanly describe.  Every time I achieved one goal, I had two more to replace it.  Setting my mind to things I once thought were impossible was no longer a laughable matter to me, but something that stoked a fire somewhere deep within that never seemed to burn out.

In January of 2013, I suffered a horrific back injury.  I went through ever phase of grief, some of which took months to exit.  I saw all my dreams die.  I watched every part of the death of my dreams; I watched them lugged out to a field, I watched them slowly loaded onto a pyre, and finally in September or so, I lit the match and burned them myself.  All the hard work I put into my physique slowly faded away.  I lost my sense of self; I realized I didn't know who I was without fitness, what I wanted in life without fitness, where I fit in without my training discipline, work ethic and physical evidence of such to show for it.  I fought for almost 9 months to maintain my way of life and my physique as best I could despite my limitations.  Having to give up my passion, volleyball; Bed rest for a month; only being allowed to walk for 9 months.  It wore down my psychology, and that deep bloodlust to take back what was taken from me started to give way to impatience and an overwhelming mental exhaustion of wanting something so bad for so long, with no light at the end of the tunnel near to tell me I could start fighting for it again.

Finally, in September, I met someone, and somewhere between him and the holidays, I found the peace to let go of my dreams and what I wanted so badly to achieve.  I gave in to my new reality and tried to find a place for myself in the mediocre limbo of semi-consciousness and routine adult life.  I tried.

But my back began to get stronger, and I started having the sensation that I was healing enough to entertain the thought about starting the fight back up again.  So last week, on that elliptical, having that sudden surge of hope and belief flood my veins.... it was like magic.  It was then that I decided I wasn't ready to give up yet; I'd have to start all over from the beginning, and I would have to re-tool all my workouts and programs to ensure that I was gentle enough on my back so as not to re-injure it, but.... there was hope!

So here is sit.  I have the exact physique I used to have before January 2012 when I set out on my fitness journey the first time.  Same physique, same bad eating habits, and same fire lit inside to experience the joys all over again of putting my mind and heart to a task and seeing it through to the end.  So I'm going to document it all here, all over again, right from the start.  This is my first entry.  Sure it's a random Wednesday.  It isn't New Years Day; it isn't even the first day of a new week.  But I'm starting now.

My plan for the rest of the week is to follow these steps:

1) Train legs tomorrow, back and chest on Friday, and play volleyball on Saturday and Sunday.

2) Drink a minimum of three 20-oz glasses of water - one in the morning, noon and night.  I'll work my way up to 100-fl oz in due time.

3) Cut out the noon-time chocolate fix I've been giving into.  I'm replacing my immediate sweets cravings with fresh fruit.  Eventually I will phase out fruit for veggies like carrots and peas, but I need a couple weeks to ease into this regime.  

Next week, my diet will set into place.  Giving up cereal right off the bat will be difficult for me, so I've settled on the following:

Breakfast:  2 cups unsweetened bran flakes with 1 cup fat free milk

Snack:  Cup of green tea with a handful of raw spinach, handful of blackberries and a handful of almonds

Lunch:  Homemade chicken, barley and veggie soup (I'm on a big soup kick!) and a little avocado on the side

Snack 1:Low-sugar yogurt and roasted seaweed snack

Snack 2 (Pre-workout): Banana and 2 tbsp Peanut Butter

Dinner: Protein shake and a 3 egg omlete (2 egg whites, 1 yolk) with a little feta cheese, 2 cups of spinach, and a few green olives

This all comes to about 1700 calories.  As I increase the intensity of my workouts, I'll adjust the my macros accordingly.  I think 1,700 is a good place to start. 

I'm taking progress photos every Monday morning, and I'll do measurements every 4 weeks.  So.... here we go! I already feel myself going through a sweets withdrawal right now.  I know that waking up tomorrow morning knowing I didn't cave in, though, is SO much sweeter than a temporary dessert :)