And then the doctor confirms you have a tumor in your breast.

"Anything is possible.  You can be told you have a 90% chance or a 50% chance or a 1% chance, but you have to believe, and you have to fight." -- Lance Armstrong

Yesterday I woke up at 4:45am.  I put on some flip flops and a bikini, drove to the beach, and walked to the sand barefoot into the crisp chill of a foggy summer morning.  It was dawn, but I couldn't see the sun; it was enveloped in a thick marine layer.  The air smelled particularly salty, with the faint smell of decomposing seaweed that had washed up from the California kelp beds not too far off shore.  I stood on top of a man-made dune just before it dropped down to the shoreline and paused for a moment.  Then I set the timer on my watch, and began running due south.

I set out on a 10k in the deep sands of Santa Monica that I normally reserve for my Friday evening cardio workout.  I love this run, but I only do it once a week to prevent getting bored of it as it is an incredible cross-training workout. I finished in 1:19:36 (a solid finish), having burned about 835 kcal in the process.

When I was done, I stood for a moment at Lifeguard Tower #26 and looked out to the great Pacific ocean, hoping for some profound thought or deafening clarity to overcome me.  Instead, all I found was  my lower lip trembling and my eyes wanting to cry, but my body being too exhausted to even put the effort into expressing emotion.  I wasn't exhausted physically, persay; I rather was exhausted from constantly being emotional about the medical exam I had coming up later that day.  It was the day of my ultrasound to figure out what that lump in my breast was, and while most of me was convinced I was fine, there was a strong presence within my very soul that felt like yesterday was the day I was going to wake up and then kill time before learning whether or not I had cancer.

How did this happen?  Not six days ago, I was a normal 20-something year old who was focused on increasing the amount of weight in my next face-off with the Seated Row machine.  Breast cancer was nowhere on my radar - I mean, possibly in the future, anything can happen.  But now?  No way.  But last Thursday,  during my pap smear, there my doctor was hanging over me with a skillfully-blank face, telling me she felt something.  Five days later and there I was, on the beach before the sun had risen, hoping for enlightenment as I licked my lips and wondered if the saltiness was from the sea, or from my sweat, or from the tears I wished would flow in hopes of reconciling some sort of catharsis with the numbness I found myself in.

I had a couple breakdowns at work as I waited till noon for my mom to pick me up for my appointment.  It wasn't necessarily out of fear, but out of pure exhaustion.  What I didn't expect to happen was have my OBGYN call me with my pap results:  as I feared, they came back showing signs of cervical dysplaysia.  So already, at 10am -- a full 3 hours before I learned the fate of my breasts -- I was scheduling a colposcopy with my OBGYN to figure out if surgery was needed on the other end of my body.  Is there no end in sight for this?  I tried to remind myself, though, that I've been living with this for 6 years and was still alive and well; I know the drill for my cervix, so best not to stress about it.  Cry because of heartbreak over it?  Yes. But fear?  Not now.

I sat in the waiting room of the Breast Imaging center for 50 minutes before they finally called me in.  By then I was starving, even MORE exhausted, and stressed to the point of angered tears.  Still, I maintained my composure until the doctor squeezed that lube onto my chest and began scanning it with the ultrasound wand.  I looked over briefly at the screen and then immediately turned my head away.  I couldn't bare the sight of it all.  In that one moment, it became real.  Because the doctor was seeing exactly what my OBGYN felt, and he took careful time - what felt like an eternity! - scanning it over and over.  Announcing to the physican's assistant the coordinates of how large the mass was.  "It extends from here [brief pause] all the way to here."

So much time passed.  I think that's why it became real.  I suppose I expected it to last just moments and they would easily identify that it was either one thing or another.  But the doctor took his time.  He paused for several minutes on one location, and then another.  I had plenty of time to visualize what this moment was going to be like, but I couldn't anticipate the wave of surreality come over and that tightness in my chest similar to a panic, or perhaps an adrenaline overdose like the kind where you were speeding a bit and then saw a cop in your rear-view mirror and thought he was going to pull you over until you saw him change lanes at the last minute.  Tears streamed down my face when I realized he was using his education to try to determine what this mass was - the answer didn't jump out at him.  It wasn't easy.  It required analysis, and proper doctoring.  There was something wrong.

When it was over, he told me he *thought* he knew what it was.  The words came out so quick and all I was waiting to hear was either "cancer", "biopsy" or "benign".  I couldn't' listen to anything else.  He explained in laments terms that what I had was similar to the concept of a mole - an abnormal growth of normal tissue.  He mentioned that these are common in other areas of the body, such as the liver.  Then he said it:  It was a tumor, but this variety is usually completely safe.

I froze for a moment.  Words were trying to come out but they got stuck in my throat, and so I let out an exasperated sob while looking straight into his eyes.  The thought crossed my mind of how many times he has seen this face I was giving him - one of relief, or one of pure terror; they were one and the same.  How many times has he had to deliver this news?  How did it affect him?  And why was I thinking of him so much???

His instructions to me where to carefully monitor it over the next 6 months and schedule a follow-up diagnostic ultrasound in December.  So I made my appointment, and walked out in a complete daze.  I can't say I felt relieved, because it wasn't the super harmless cyst I had expected.  It was, after all, a tumor.  I have a tumor in my breast. That's enough to make any woman anxious.

This morning, I woke up feeling normal until I remembered the events of yesterday, and it dragged me down into some gloom again.  Perhaps if my pap results had come back clean, I would feel different.  But I took the initiative of calling the Breast Screening center again, and asking more detailed questions that I couldn't ask yesterday due to an extreme case of discombobulation ;)  I asked for my clinical diagnosis, and for my charts and ultrasound images to be sent to me.  The latter will be mailed ot my house next week, and I promise to post an ultrasound image of Clementine (the name I have affectionately given my lump) :D

The clinical diagnosis given to me is a Breast Hamartoma.  Hamartomas are described as the following:

"A hamartoma (from Greek hamartion “bodily defect”) is a benign (noncancerous) tumorlike malformation made up of an abnormal mixture of cells and tissues found in areas of the body where growth occurs. It is considered a developmental error and can occur at a number of sites. A nonneoplastic mass can also arise in this way; therefore, misdiagnosis is possible, as is subsequent overtreatment with its added morbidity and mortality. Developmental remnants may be considered hamartomatous if they form discrete tumor-like masses" (source HERE)

This is NOT an image of my ultrasound - just one of a breast hamartoma I got off the internet.  But this is exactly what I imagine mine looks like - oval, smooth and soft.  Mine seems to be about the size of a quarter of my palm, although I bet it's much smaller than that in real life.

Of course, however, I did extensive research on them, and while they are considered benign and safe, many can evolve into carcinomas.  I've read that breast hamartomas are particularly rare, and I had to ask myself - why didn't my doctor order a biopsy, just to be sure?  He said his suspicion was that I had had this for years, and it went unnoticed.  Hamartomas occur usually during early development (or, in my case, puberty) since the abnormal growth usually grows in relation to the growth of normal surrounding tissues.  Last time I checked, I've been a fully developed woman for nearly 10 years.  Unless my ladies are planning a late-life growth spurt (wouldn't that be nice!), there is no growth of the normal tissues happenin' around there.  And this thing ain't no small little peanut.  So even if it is a harmless Hamartoma, why is it growing?  Am I the only one who sees a problem in the fact that I have a growing tumor in my boob??

Anyway.  I called my OBGYN today and asked her to get a hold of my reports and offer me a second opinion.  She is more of a less invasive doctor who prefers to avoid over-treatment when necessary, but according to my research, Hamartomas are somewhat difficult to diagnosis, even during biopsy.  So I think she may see the benefit, if anything but to ease my mind given that I have a cervical issue I am trying to address - by ordering a fine needle aspiration cytology (FNAC), which is a small needle they shove just to the edge of the mass, to collect superficial cells for analysis.  I am confident knowing I have an appointment on the books with her already in 2 weeks, which is plenty of time for her to get my charts (which take a week for the Breast Center to finalize) and review prior to my consultation.

But at this point, I at least know one thing - that an obvious cancer is NOT in my breast.  That is very hopeful :)  And my cervix?  Well, the dysplaysia came back as Low Grade Squamous Intraepitheleal Lesions, which is the mildest form of cervical cell abnormality there is, so I have some comfort in that, too.  Doc said she hopes the biopsy is perceived as nothing other than an annoyance to me, since she's doing it mostly just to get a look at the area to re-establish a new baseline, and to determine if the areas of question are something to worry about, or just let go for another 6 months to see if they resolve themselves.

So for now, I will breathe easy.  I will continue living my life and enjoying each day as the blessing it is; I will continue hating abdominal exercises, I will continue seeking new music for my cardio playlists, and I will continue planning my meals and having an embarrassing amount of fun with my new Tupperware with  separated compartments.  Onward and Upward!

Here's a little music video I made to a beautiful cover of Sia's song, "Titanium".  It was designed to be encouragement for people facing obstacles while they pursued their dreams.  But now?  I find it to be encouraging for ordinary people just trying to survive the onslaught of maladies we all try to dodge in this crazy, crazy world.

That time when you go in for a routine pap smear and the doctor tells you she found a lump in your breast.

“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.” – Isak Dinesen

There comes a point in all of our lives where we are tested.  It is inevitable.  And most all of us know, whether from practical reasoning or first-hand experience, that it is only through trials that we can truly grow as individuals.

Some trials are inherently more damaging than others, though.  Some of us are put through the fire and lose everything; not a single thing in our lives is untouched, and we come out appearing completely different than when we first went in.  Those who never let their wounds heal, become jaded and marred; they are full of darkness, and sorrowful anger and bitterness overcome them.  Those who embrace the storm, however, and accept it, tend to reveal a gold within them that shines forth as an example onto others.  We call those people 'survivors'.

There are a great many things I've shared on this blog already that I had no intention of.  But when it came to explaining why I was doing what I was doing - eating clean, finally getting into shape, battling certain emotions or facing certain challenges and the feelings associated with them - I found it necessary to explain who I was, in order to make sense of who I wanted to be.  And then, to take it a step further, I began to wonder who else was like me, or going thru a similar predicament, or who had a similar past, and was trying to find enlightenment through the shared experiences of others.  Lord knows, I have been (and continue to be) that person! How many times have I gone onto google with such a specific question, and pulled up countless blogs authored by people I did not know, and whom I would likely never meet, but yet their courage to share a personal story contributed to my own knowledge, outlook, and general approach to handling whatever given situation I was in?

It is because of this that I write today about something new that I am facing, and how I will NOT let it affect my fitness journey.

I have written in the past about how I suffered cardiac arrest when I was 19 due to extreme electrolyte imbalances caused by several years of severe eating disorders.  I have written about how I have since experienced pretty strong (and scary!) episodes of PVCs and PACs occasionally.  I have written about my IBS (and in fact, it was through my facebook page and blog that I have grown comfortable with being open and talking to people about my disorder; it was always a topic of shame to me in the past).  And last week, I revealed on my facebook page that on Christmas Eve of 2006, I was diagnosed with a form of cervical pre-cancer (High Grade Squamous Intraepitheleal Lesions ~ HSIL).

I'd like to give a little back drop to that before I get into the topic d'jour.  I got my original HSIL diagnosis as just part of a routine annual pap smear when I was 20 years old on winter break from school.  I needed the pap to get my pill prescription renewed, which I took to combat extreme hormonal fatigue I get for like 2.5 weeks out of the month without it.  Otherwise, I was sexually inactive and focused on sports and classes, not on boys and relationships.  I tested negative for HPV, and had already received the Gardasil vaccine against HPV, anyway.  No family history of cervical disorders.  Didn't smoke, didn't drink, and exercised regularly.  In terms of risk factors, I was completely off the map.

Since my original diagnosis, I have had one surgery and several small out-patient procedures.  When you get an abnormal pap reading, the first thing you do is go in for a colposcopy.  It sounds scary, but your cervix actually has no nerve endings so you don't ever feel what they do - the only thing you feel is a cramping in your abdominal muscles in response to the procedure which feels like minor period cramps, so they tell you to take a dose of advil prior to the procedure to relax your muscles (I prefer 600 mg of Ibuprofen, taken with food).  They first go in and swab your cervix with a vinegar solution which, under a black light, reveals areas of deformed cervical tissue.  Then a small biopsy sample is taken from that area and examined under a microscope to reveal the extent of disease.  Sometimes it is nothing, or so minimal that your body can heal itself without you ever having to do anything further than the colposcopy.  If not, there are several procedures that can be done to address the situation.

My first surgery was the LEEP procedure, which I elected to be anesthetized for (which is not necessary).  I was just out of my mind with fear though, and knew it was in the best interest of my mental health.  They located the diseased spots on my cervix, and used an electricity-heated coil to literally scoop out the whole diseased sections of my cervix.  The heat of the coil simultaneously cauterized any blood flow.  A gauze-like material was placed over my cervix to help with healing and preventing infection, which naturally broke away from my cervix a few days later and worked it's way out of my body much like a period flow would.

After that procedure, I went in for pap smears every 4 months for a year.  If they all came back fine, I would go every 6 months the following year, and then once annually like everyone else.  But my last pap of the first year came back again with HSIL, and so I had another colposcopy, and this time I had cryotherapy done.  Have you ever had a wart on your finger which you had a doctor freeze off using liquid nitrogen?  It's essentially the same thing.  They just froze the diseased cells on my cervix which killed them, and they naturally disposed of themselves thereafter.  Easy peasy.  I stayed awake for the procedure, and it felt and lasted just as long as a normal pap.  NOTHING TO FEAR :)

I had cryotherapy done 3 times.  Since then, I have gotten many abnormal pap smears but my new OB/GYN has me wait 6 months and get retested before doing any treatment, to see if my body is capable of fighting off the diseased tissue on it's own. 3 times this has happened successfully. 

The last time I got an abnormal pap was exactly one year ago.  I waited 6 months and ironically, on Christmas Eve of 2011, I was told my pap came back negative for any abnormalities.  Which meant that if I could get thru my next pap in 6 months without any abnormalities, I could go back to just once a year having a pap.  I got the test done last thursday, and am in a knot of anxiety as each day goes by.  My doctor said that she will have the results back within a week, and if they are clear, she will not call me.  So in other words, no news is good news.

But all of that said, a former soccer friend of mine had recently posted on facebook that his sister - only 31 years old, and a mother of 3 - was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. I couldn't remember the last time I had a breast exam (a year ago?) so when I went in for my pap, I asked my OB/GYN to perform one.  I'll admit I don't examine myself as frequently as I should, but when I do, I've focused on just feeling for pea-sized rocks, or else to feel that my breasts felt uniform and similar to one another.  All good on that end!

As my doctor was examining me though, she paused and said, "Oh.  You have something here." 

No thoughts or feelings or emotions went thru my head.  I felt no fear, no shock, no worry.  She said, "Feel this.  Do you feel that?  It's about the size of a half-dollar."  I felt where she placed my finger tips - on the inner part of my breast, near my heart and sternum, away from my arm pits where I usually focused my own self-exams on.  "No, I don't feel anything.." I said. She pressed my fingers firmly onto the spot and that's when I felt it.  It was broad, flat and large - not that round pebble I had always felt for.  She was very matter-of-fact about it, which was calming to me, but as I thought about it later, she is probably trained to deliver this news stoically and nonchalantly so as not to spurn mass panic in patients.  She said that it felt like a cyst because it was softer than typically tumorous masses, but that she couldn't tell for certain, so it was important to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound.

Within minutes I had a diagnostic form in my hand that had already been faxed to a nearby Breast Health Imagining facility, and was told to call them right away as they were awaiting my call.  I called, and by then I was in a state of deep sorrow and utter disbelief.  It was shock - not the good kind that makes you go numb, but rather the bad kind that has you breathing heavily and thinking to yourself, "I'm too young for this; this can't be happening."  I couldn't believe the words I was uttering; I even choked on my own silent tears when giving my date of birth to the woman, and confirming that yes, given my age, I had not had a mammogram yet.  It was like something out of a sad movie.  Or a country song. Or a nightmare.

So here it is, Monday evening.  My ultrasound is less than 24 hours away, and I'm trying to focus on my work but I can't.  I have spoken to MANY many people who have told me they have had a friend or family member go through the same thing, or that they themselves have experienced it, and it's no big deal.  It turned out to be nothing - a benign cyst, a calcification, etc.  I'm young, I'm healthy, I should have nothing to fear.  I love my coffee and I've read caffeine can cause cysts; my hormones have been a bit off-kilter since changing my diet and exercise routines and losing weight, and I've read hormones can cause cysts; I play a lot of sports and can think of various times I've had a guy spike a volleyball straight into my chest, so maybe that could have caused some sort of trauma.  But all of these explanations do nothing to calm my fears, or help me with wanting to eat comfort food or skip the gym.

A couple months ago I wrote a blog entry about those days when you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel and can't seem to find any hope or motivation to keep pushing onward.  The entry was called "Dieting is an Exhausting Mental Feat (Motivation for the Hard Days Ahead)"

At the very end, I wrote a paragraph that is resonating with me now.  My own words, written while I was still riding high and motivation was a breeze for me, are now helping to lift me up in this difficult time.  I have a full workout planned for today, but I am exhausted, especially mentally and spiritually.  In that paragraph, I wrote the following:

"What is life though, really? Were we ever told that none of the aforementioned tragedies would ever happen to us? Or that they would happen to us, but not to others? I'll tell you now, EVERYbody is in pain. Everybody has a worry. The day I was told I had cervical dysplasia and had to get a biopsy to tell me how invasive it was, I had every reason to not go to the gym. I had every reason to spend that day immersed in as many happy relaxing thoughts and environments as possible, indulge in as many treats as I wanted. But I didn't, I went to the gym and my tears were masked by the sweat pouring down my forehead. This is life, and these things happen, but as long as you're alive, there is still hope. And even when there isn't hope, there is the satisfaction of never giving up. Life's real dreams are the ones that can be realized only by waking up, not by drifting back into catatonic nonexistence."

So I am here to say that today is one of those days where there is not a single fiber of my being that wants to go to the gym.  I haven't slept well in days, I've already cried twice at work (the deep, heaving cries that leave you in a state of cathartic fogginess for hours), I overate a little to compensate for my exhaustion, and all I want to do is go home and watch something on Netflix in cozy pajamas and eat a bowl of ice cream and take a dose of Nyquil and knock out.

But I am not going to.  Because this is life, and these things happen, but as long as I am alive, there is still hope.  And even if I find out tomorrow the worst case scenario, there is still hope in the fight, and the satisfaction that I never gave up.  I've been through too much in my life to be a quitter now; I consider myself a survivor, and I have big shoes to fill if I'm going to keep that title.  Not to mention, if I give up on myself now, what sort of message will that send to me?  That I'm not capable of fighting, or rallying through challenging times?  What sort of precedent would that set?  An hour and 45 minutes of the toughest workout I can crank out, where I put all of my fear and anger and confusion and saddness and anxiety on the pyre and sacrifice it to the Gym Gods will do me so much more good than 6 hours of sogging on the couch to Sex & The City re-reuns while sharing my bowl of some overly-sugared processed frozen dairy product with the ever-present flow of my own tears.  Oh, and then the guilt I'll feel tomorrow!

It may take a lot more energy and strength to make this workout happen, but it is happening.  Because even when there isn't hope, there is still the satisfaction in never giving up.  That is where the growth happens.  That is where the human spirit shines.

Bacon Cheddar Ranch Dip: A Clean-Eater's Nightmare

I'm at that stage in my clean-eating journey where most people have accepted the simple fact that I am a changed person - this is no longer just a passing phase or a temporary fad; it is a whole lifestyle renaissance.

As such, I routinely have people consult me about questions they have, particularly "which is healthier?" type questions.  Suddenly, I have renewed sympathy for all of those parents out there who have a 12-month old child and are suddenly sought out as an authority on child-rearing by the next wave of preggers mamas.  I've been eating clean for only 21 weeks… is that enough to be an authority?  I definitely will say no, but if I can stray from the topic for a moment, I can't believe how much I have learned in such a short period of time!  I am no expert, but I am well on my way to developing an all-new intuitive sense toward foods and products that makes checking labels less tedious, as my 6th Sense of Food Avoidance is reaching maturity rather nicely :)

In any event, I had one of those moments where I wanted to beat my head against a concrete wall when a friend of mine - who eats pretty healthy most of the time, and is active, and who I would have considered a clean eater prior to my starting this journey and learning all that it entails - approached me with a great smile on her face.  You see, she had decided she wanted to start eating clean "like me" too, and was holding on very tightly to the couple of rules of thumb I had taught her about clean eating.  In particular:

1) Shop the perimeter of grocery stores and avoid the middle aisles
2) Nothing canned, boxed or processed, when possible.
3) If you are buying something with ingredients, make sure there are 5 or less and you understand what each ingredient is.

In any event, she proclaimed to me, "Look what I found! This stuff is DELICIOUS and it's CLEAN!"

I took one look and knew something was askew.  I asked her why she thought it was a "clean" food item.  Her response?  It only had "three ingredients".  Here is a picture of the product she was showing me:

Bacon.  Cheddar.  Ranch.  Was there ever a time prior to my clean-eating mission that I thought these three words somehow equated to only 3 ingredients in a processed and packaged dairy product?  Good grief.

FAUX PAUS NOTICE:  For all of you newbie clean-eaters, do not let the title of the product fool you for the ingredients of it.  What are the ingredients of this seemingly 3-ingredent product?  Here, let me share the PARAGRAPH with you:

As can be scene in the picture, there are a minimum of eleventy hundred ingredients in this product.

Now, here's what makes matters worse, and intermediate clean eaters must beware:  this is a Trader Joe's product.  Back in the beginning, when I just started out with clean eating, places like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods could do no wrong in my eyes.  I thought everything on the inside of their fancy establishments, with wood floors and earthy tones, was clean, healthy, and organic.  And while that is more the case than other stores, it doesn't necessarily mean ALL of their products are clean.  Expeller-pressed canola oil,  xantham gum, "savory flavoring", cultured dextrose…. what even are any of these?

According to Wikipedia, "Xanthan gum is a polysaccharide, derived from the bacterial coat of Xanthomonas campestris, used as a food additiveand rheology modifier,^[2] commonly used as a food thickening agent (in salad dressings, for example) and a stabilizer (in cosmetic products, for example, to prevent ingredients from separating). It is produced by the fermentation of glucose,sucrose, or lactose by the Xanthomonas campestris bacterium. After a fermentation period, the polysaccharide is precipitated from a growth medium with isopropyl alcohol, dried, and ground into a fine powder. Later, it is added to a liquid medium to form the gum.^[3]"  

So… a processed byproduct of bacteria and sugar. Awesome!

As for the expeller-pressed canola oil bit, check out this free streaming 15-minute podcast about canola oil and why it (and other Omega-3 fatty acid oils) are bad bad baaaaaaad to cook with, especially after they have been thru the "expeller" process.  VIDEO LINK HERE.

As for "Savory Flavorings", one can only guess.  Even "natural flavorings" aren't neessarily safe! See this TODAY.com article which discusses "natural flavorings".  Specifically, 

"The definition of natural flavor under the Code of Federal Regulations is: “the essential oil, oleoresin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting, heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof, whose significant function in food is flavoring rather than nutritional” (21CFR101.22).

Certainly a mouthful!"

As for "Cultured Dextrose", this is a pre-digested sugar exposed to a certain bacteria, which results in chemical byproducts that serve as anti-microbials.  They may not be laboratory chemicals, but a preservative is a preservative.  Clean eating is all about NO PRESERVATIVES.

Not to put Trader Joe's on blast or anything, but this short blog entry is just to serve as an extra reminder to be very wary of what foods you buy, even when at health stores.  Taken from Trader Joe's very own website, they describe this product as such: 

"Bacon Cheddar Ranch Dip is just what it claims to be: a sour cream based ranch dip with plenty of cheddar cheese shreds and ample amounts of uncured applewood smoked bacon (please see above). Most commercial Ranch Dips are loaded with MSG – not ours. Ours is made with no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives, including MSG. The sour cream and cheese are made with milk from cows not treated with rBST, and the bacon is free of added nitrites or nitrates. You could almost call it health food. Almost."

Sorry to get technical, but this statement is false.  According to LIVESTRONG (source HERE), foods containing cultured dextrose CANNOT be labeled as preservative-free.  In my research, I came upon many other cases of "health foods" claiming to be preservative free, while still containing cultured dextrose.  Example:  "Don't Get Fresh(er) with Me" where the author writes about a Trader Joe's hummus and says, 

“Cultured dextrose (for added freshness).” I’m sorry, what? I need something to “add freshness” to my       hummus? As far as I know, you can’t add freshness. And check out what’s right above it: “No artificial colors, flavors or preservatives.” OK, so what is cultured dextrose if not one of the above, a natural preservative perhaps?"

Of course, a by-product to being religiously strict with a clean diet is that eventually, it all becomes common sense.  Even if that package were to say "Ranch Dip" only, I would expect to see at least 20 ingredients, of which at least a couple were on my Most Wanted (or perhaps Least Wanted????) list.

All of this to say, be mindful of your labels until you feel confident with your 'health radar' and your own knowledge of the safety and acceptability of certain ingredients, based on your needs and dietary guidelines.  DO NOT just blindly trust stores, or product labels, to educate you on just how natural, organic, or preservative-free your foods are.  Only you can determine the validity of that.

Progress photos, June challenges, and ummm, hello! My first volleyball tourney of the season!!

Progress update time!!

Well, I have to confess; I'm not sure I'm pushing myself as hard as I should be.  I know for a fact that lasting and meaningful results will take time, but I didn't realize that patience meant more than just "staying the course" in a steady fashion; I'm learning that the body needs time to recover, and that pushing myself to the limits needs to come in fits and phases.

The first four months of my transformation were hot and heavy - everything was a challenge or a goal to meet.  But then it got to the point where challenging myself any further, would result in injury.  I have felt abnormal fatigue, hunger spells, an increase in PVCs and then recently, a horrible breakthrough period despite being only 8 days into my new pill pack.

I listen to my body eagerly.  I know it well, and I know when things are wrong.  I usually inherently know what I need to do (or not do) to address the situation, remedy it, and get back on course.  This time around, it has been allowing a few hundred more calories per day (all in the form of fruits or protein).  I also took an alternative approach to my workouts by taking a week off of weights (to rest an elbow injury) and switching up my cardio.  I backed off of doing the stairs in favor of beach sand runs… and for that matter, I stopped doing HIIT entirely.  But my energy is back up, my appetite is back in control, my muscles feel fresh, my insomnia is gone, and my mystery period will be addressed by a new pill prescription next month.

So with all of that said, June is going to be a month of big pushes!  I was recently inspired to make monthly goals to keep myself motivated during these dreaded middle months where plateaus abound and struggles increase in my efforts to really squeeze in those finishing touches - losing those last 5-10lbs of fat & increasing my muscle mass by 5-10lbs.  My diet is clean, but I really need to commit to my meal plans.  There is no point in making a specific calorie and macronutrient meal plan if I'm going to not eat some of the things I pack (usually veggies) and replace them with other things (fruit, and sometimes a whole additional protein bar.)  I've also been drinking a glass of wine a couple nights a week which absolutely WILL stop this month, and I've been eating at the Whole Foods food bar to avoid dinner boredom, which also needs to stop.  The reason I've backed off of vegetables is because my IBS has been on overtime - there is something I am eating that is really irritating my system.  I fear to say it's quinoa, so I'm going to switch that out this month and try a half cup of brown rice instead, and see what happens.

Aside from all of that, it all boils down to me needing to understand that the next month will be miserable (if that's the way I choose to experience it) in the realm of diet - I will need to pass up on almost all of those amazing fruit sales at the store, continue to eat my plain boneless skinless chicken breast with lemon and salt with steamed broccoli for lunch and egg whites with pepper and green beans for dinner.  Chew it, swallow it, and find satisfaction in how much better my clothes will fit tomorrow.

Summer time is the worst to be on a strict diet, when margaritas after a day of volleyball are SO inviting, and grilled short ribs at parties lure you with the promise of lasting nourishment.  Satisfaction must be found in other places.  When hunger strikes, water must be chugged, tennis shoes must be put on, and a grateful walk thru the streets of Santa Monica must be had.  The dissatisfaction will wane when the amazement that dreams CAN be exacted, is meditated on and accepted as an alternative to food-based pleasure.

So with that said, here are the "updates d'jour":
1.  My First Volleyball Tournament of the Season!
My volleyball partner Missy and I competed in our first CBVA of the season.  We lost in the semi-finals, and I have to admit I feel responsible for the loss; I was exhausted and had over-exerted myself earlier in the day, and had no energy to finish strong when it really mattered.  But these are the lessons we need to learn, just as any athlete must - how to pace oneself, how to keep mental focus and clarity…. the right mixture of stoic competitiveness and amicable friendliness.  We know what we need to work on, and I'm excited about our future in the sport this season!  Pictures to be posted soon.

2.  June challenges!!
My first monthly challenge! And it's two-fold.  The first part is that I vow to ride my bike to work Monday-Thursday of each week this month.  This is major, considering as how I have so much shit to cart around, and it will mean having to wake up 20 minutes earlier each day.  But I am committed! Plus I need to save money on gas haha :)  The second part of my challenge is to take an update photo every day for the month of June, and then I will compile it into a video to the tune of my fave inspirational song.  The past couple days have been rough cuz I've been bloated with my mystery extra period, but whatever.  Hopefully with increased diligence on my diet, really pushing myself in my workouts and drinking plenty of water, I'll be good.

3.  PROGRESS PHOTOOOOSSS!
So, here are the updates:

My weight is down to 138.5, which technically is only 3.5lbs away from my goal! But I still have SO much subcutaneous fat in my midsection.  But I also have a lot of muscle weight to gain so I'm not sure what my final number really will be.  Who cares :)  This photo was taken the 3rd day of Week 17.

WEEK 16 - EXHIBIT A:  I am officially too skinny for my skinniest skinny jeans :D  Which, for the record, is a damn shame, since they are neon green and fabulous.  Yet another casualty to the eat-clean diet ;)

WEEK 17 - In my stupid un-matching outfit… 

WEEK 18 - Exhibit B:  New bikini -- bottoms are a size EXTRA SMALL! :-O Obviously they run little, and this may be an unfortunate testament to the fact that my booty may have shrunk a little, but who cares :)

WEEK 19 - EXHIBIT C:  Swedish colors.  Vi alskar sverige :)

(Still week 19) - Exhibit D:  Nothing to really report here, just a snap shot of my daily photo shoot from yesterday (day 2 of my June challenge).

So those are my updates this time around.  I plan on re-inventing my workout schedule soon, and so I'll post that when I do.  I'll also sart posting pics of my volleyball tournaments and such, woo-hoo!

Photos: ANOTHER day in the life of my diet :)

Greetings, earthlings!

I am constantly trying to reinvent my diet in an effort to find the appropriate distribution of macro-nutrients (fat, protein and carbohydrates) throughout my day to meet both my daily nutritional needs, as well as the unique needs my body personally has for fuel throughout the day to stay energized. 

One of the most difficult - and most assuredly unforeseen! - challenges I have yet encountered in switching from a "normal" Western diet to that of a clean-eating fitness freak, has been the issue of "what to eat, and when."  In my old life, I ate generally healthy. That is to say, I wasn't eating out at fast food restaurants 3 meals a day. I only had fast food a couple times a month, I ate 3-5 meals a day, made sure I got fruits and veggies, limited the fried foods, yada yada yada.  But all of that to say, even though I packed my breakfasts, lunches and snacks and ate at home for dinner, I was still eating a lot of processed crap.  And to boot, although I would eat whatever I packed, I would fuel my typical slumps (which I thought were "normal" and just part of "being me") with mid-morning, mid-afternoon, and post-workout evening sugary snack indulgences like low-fat cookies, 5 or 6 Hershey kisses, etc.  You get the point.  I would feed into my sugar crashes with MORE SUGAR.  It was my drug, and I didn't even know it, because I didn't know any better!

So when I started my food diary and realized how oblivious I was to the obvious failure that was my "healthy diet" at the time, so began my journey to compile an appropriate diet to meet my nutritional needs and energy requirements.  It's something you don't really think of in the beginning.  I think for me, all I thought about was, "I'll put together a diet that sticks to the caloric intake I've calculated, I'll eat it, and I'll be miserable because it's not too satisfying, but at least I know I'm getting plenty of food so I won't be hungry."

WRONG!!!!

It took me about 2 months before I came up with even an acceptable distribution of proper nutrients throughout the day, another month of rearranging it thru trial and error, and even still at 4 full months into this, I am still finding myself having to add, subtract, and rearrange foods in order to find the right balance of calories throughout the day to stick with conventional wisdom (ie, don't eat high calorie foods at night!) but also taking into account what my body needs at specific times in the day, to keep trucking.

For me, I find that I am hungriest between the hours of whenever I wake up, to 1pm.  After 1pm (when I usually eat meal 4) my hunger - and, thus, caloric needs - rapidly decrease.  It doesn't matter if I workout in the morning or the evening, it stays the same - I wake up famished, and usually go to bed satisfied having only eaten 1/2cp of egg whites and a cup of steamed broccoli.

I suppose I can count myself among the lucky ones for this pattern, because this works well on a diet - eat most of your calories early on so you have the rest of the day to burn them off, and eat sparsely at night.  Some people are the opposite, and must train their metabolisms and digestive processes to accept a distribution of calories that isn't exactly ideal.

In any event, I was eating up to 7 meals a day and finding I was still really hungry, and I think it was because for each meal I ate, it just wasn't enough - it was enough to give me a little fuel, but not enough to take the hunger away.  So I have condensed it to 5-6 meals a day -- same foods, same # of daily calories, just bigger meals every 2.5-3 hours instead of smaller ones every 2 hours.  It has made a world of difference!

I recently cut out all dairy from my diet.  I used to have a cup of nonfat cottage cheese mid-morning, nonfat milk in my decaf and oatmeal, a nonfat Fage yogurt in the afternoon, and nonfat milk in the occasional protein shake I would make.  I stepped myself off of dairy gradually.  First I cut out the cottage cheese and replaced it with egg whites.  Then I finished off the last of my milk and replaced it with unsweetened organic soymilk (for oatmeal and decaf) and unsweetened organic almond milk for my now-daily protein shakes.  Yogurt was the last to go, and I am 3 days free of it and haven't even looked back :) 

The challenge for me is that my digestive system is TERRIBLY sensitive to veggies and legumes, so I'm limited in the types of food I can consume.  But still, I've found that replacing my afternoon yogurt with just more fresh produce (carefully selected based on my IBS-needs) has done more than an adequate job of filling that hole.

So, with that said, yesterday was a gym day-off so here is the diet I consumed, which is what I typically eat on days when I'm resting.  I'll post my diet for AM workouts and PM workouts next week :)  It is VERY important that you take the time to listen to your body to figure out when you should eat which particular foods, and in what quantities, to ensure you have the energy your body requires based on your daily activities.  Failing to do so can lead to epic blood sugar crashes, binging, and generally making your dieting efforts 1,000 times more miserable than they need to be!

MEAL ONE

1 individual package of rolled oats with 1tbsp ground flaxseed meal and 1/3 cup unsweetened plain soymilk, 1/4 cut-up avocado, 1/2 cup peppered egg whites, 20 fl. oz. water, and a cup of decaf with 1/4 cup unsweetened plain soymilk.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 380
Fat:  14.3g (27.9%)
Sat. Fat: 2.3g (6.5%)
Cholesterol: 0mg (0%)
Sodium: 435mg (21.7%)
Potassium: 648mg (13.8%)
Carbs: 38.3g (15.3%)
Fiber: 10.6g (35.3%)
Protein:  27.1g (19.3%)

MEAL TWO

1 cut-up apple in a bed of raw spinach (2 cups), a Trader Joe's Zen Bakery Blueberry Mini Fiber Cake (ingredients and details here: http://fatsecret.com/Diary.aspx?pa=fjrd&rid=132603), a cup of Spearmint Tea and 20 Fl. Oz. of water.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 166
Fat: 1.5g (2.9%)
Sat. Fat: 0g (0%)
Cholesterol: 0mg (0%)
Sodium: 229mg (11.5%)
Potassium: 148mg (3.1%)
Carbs: 42g (16.8%)
Fiber: 17g (56.7%)
Protein:  6g (4.3%)

MEAL THREE

6oz boneless skinless chicken breast (cooked in crock pot), 2/3 cup mixed vegetables, 1/2 cup broccoli, 3/4 cup quinoa, 1 medium banana, 2 tbsp all-natural BBQ sauce (ingredients and details here: http://tracker.dailyburn.com/nutrition/trader_joes_trader_joes_all_natural_barbeque_sauce_calories) and 20 fl oz. of water

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 509
Fat:  4.8g (9.4%)
Sat. Fat: 0g (0%)
Cholesterol: 82.5mg (27.5%)
Sodium: 192mg (9.6%)
Potassium: 1199mg (25.5%)
Carbs: 73.5g (29.4%)
Fiber: 9.7g (32.3%)
Protein:  46.5g (33.2%)

MEAL FOUR (and FIVE)

This is actually two meals but I was particularly hungry so I combined the two today.  Normally, Meal Four would be 1/2 of a Clif BUILDER'S BAR (Mint Chocolate is my favorite!) and a cup of tea.  This is the only "processed" item I eat per day.  Meal Five consists of 1/2 cup of diced celery, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1 individual portion of raw unsalted dry-roasted almonds, and 20 fl. oz. of water.  As you can see, I had already significantly attacked the Builder's Bar and water prior to remembering to take this photo :)

All together...

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 413
Fat:  22.2g (43.4%)
Sat. Fat: 4g (11%)
Cholesterol: 82.5mg (27.5%)
Sodium: 236mg (11.8%)
Potassium: 740mg (15.7%)
Carbs: 39.5 (15.8%)
Fiber: 10.3 (34.2%)
Protein:  20.3g (14.5%)

MEAL FIVE (or technically, SIX)

 

1 Scoop of Designer Whey Protein Powder (Chocolate - included in picture for visual) mixed into 8oz unsweetened almond milk (included in picture for visual - Trader Joe's Almond Smooth Unsweetened Vanilla), 1/2 cup peppered egg whites, the other 1/2 of my Clif BUILDER'S BAR, 1 cup of steamed broccoli and a tall glass of water.

Nutritional Analysis
Calories: 397
Fat:  9.2g (18.0%)
Sat. Fat: 2.5g (7.1%)
Cholesterol: 60mg (20.0%)
Sodium: 784mg (39.2%)
Potassium: 972mg (20.7%)
Carbs: 42.5 (17.0%)
Fiber: 9.5 (31.7%)
Protein:  46g (32.9%)
***********************************************************************************
TOTAL NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS
Calories: 1865
Fat:  52g (101.7%)
Sat. Fat: 9g (25.5%)
Cholesterol: 143mg (47.5%)
Sodium: 1876mg (93.8%)
Potassium: 3707mg (78.9%)
Carbs: 236 (94.3%)
Fiber: 57 (190.1%)
Protein: 146g (104.2%)

This is based off of a 2,000 calorie diet, of which 22% of calories come from fat, 28% from protein, and 50% from carbs. At the end of this month I will be downwardly revising my caloric intake levels to a 1900 calorie diet to adjust for weight loss I have realized over the past 4 months, with a macro-nutrient breakdown % of 24-29-47 (fat/protein/carbs).

Progress Photos!! "There is no longer a desperation for [the diet] to be over; rather, an organic eagerness for it to continue."

It's been a while since I updated the cold hard facts about my progress, and I wanted to say a couple thoughts about it before I start posting statistics or pictures.

First of all, when I started this journey, I originally committed to only 30 days (1 month).  I thought I retained a pretty accurate library of information in my head of what I needed to do, how to do it, and what to expect.  I thought in one month's time of dieting, I would loose a boat-load of weight and be right back on my merry way of partying and happy hour-ing with my friends.

You read these success stories of mildly obese individuals who loose 14 lbs in one month, 30 lbs in 3 months, 100 lbs in 6... and you say to yourself, "Self, all we have is 5-10 lbs to drop.  This should be a piece of cake."

So one month goes by and you see no results.  You lose maybe 2-4 lbs, but you know it's just excess water and waste, and very little fat because everything still fits the same.  2 months go by, you weigh the same, you feel like you look the same in the mirror, but you do notice clothes fitting a little more appropriately.  3 months go by and the scale moves another 3-5lbs, clothes are noticeably looser, but you still see so many problem areas and that's when you realize this is going to take a long while.

But that's the beauty of it - so many people don't want to start this journey because they are aware of what they will have to sacrifice, and they can't seem to get past the pain of that.  Nobody realizes that this quiet transformation takes place during the beginning.  The first month is brutal, because you haven't trained your body and mind to experience enjoyment any differently.  People think that the feelings of deprivation and constant temptation and lack of fulfillment last forever.  BUT THEY DON'T!  It goes away, because your body and mind change.  You think that the reality you live in now, with the cravings and the fulfillment you currently get from snacking on unhealthy food, is permanent, but it's not.  Your reality can be changed if you force it to.  It's a willful choice in the beginning to struggle through the change, but once you are no longer dependant on sugars, your taste buds have adjusted to different types of food, your body adjusts and starts giving incredibly positive responses to what you're feeding it (increased energy, sensational feelings of happiness and well-being, shiny skin/hair/nails, increased libido, the list goes on!), it is no longer a current you are fighting against to avoid those temptations; you feel completely free and normal and those temptations and cravings are more or less completely gone. After that first month or two, you no longer have that sweet tooth, temptations aren't tempting any more because you find you don't need or crave those foods you once clung to, and you move forward just as any other noraml person would.

I thought I would tough it out through one month to achieve the body I wanted and then I could go back to my reality.  But instead what has occured is so far greater than that; I have created a new reality for myself.  A new path, full of new adventures and dreams and all these things I thought were out of my reach and reserved solely for a special breed of weird person who didn't like "good tasting food" or who had the energy to wake up early and train like a beast.  "I can't do that," I'd say to myself.  "I need my sleep.  And I'm so tired after work.  And I have so much to do."

The truth of the matter is that we are all tired, and all busy, and all have incredibly packed schedules, but thats not the point - the point is to want it bad enough that you MAKE the time, no matter the cost, because you have committed to a dream and want to achieve it.

I commited to one month, and I just finished my fourth.  But instead of looking back and saying, "Holy hell this has been a long road, when is it gonna be over?!!?"  I say to myself, "J*sus H... it's only been 4 months and look at the progress I've made..... can you imagine what kind of results I'll see in after the 5th month?? The 6th?? By the end of the year????"  There is no longer a desperation for it to be over; rather, there is an organic eagerness for it to continue.  THAT is the difference.  And it isn't because I am a special breed of weird person who has some genetic predisposition to being an athlete - I am a common person - one of 6 billion in the world - who, just like all the other success stories you see and read about, decided to make the ultimate stand.  I'm just a girl who has had a dream for a very long while and has decided that she wants to achieve it.  Simply put.  So everything that I have had to sacrifice - forgoing favorite foods and booze; going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night so that I can wake up at 5am the next morning to workout; giving up sleeping in entirely, for that matter - has not actually been a sacrifice at all, but rather just a trade.  That's another thing you learn on this journey - it's not like you are just piling up your favorite things on a pyre and watching them burn... you don't "lose" anything by committing to a strict diet and exercise regimen.  You may have to give some things up, but you get SO MUCH IN RETURN.  You are trading in one thing, for something better.  At the end of the day, what you are receiving is so much more valuable and fun and fulfilling and enjoyable than what you are giving up.

So, with all of that said, here are some updates before I go into the statistics:

Photos from May 13th (top / end of week 15) and May 5th (bottom / end of Week 14)

 

May 13, 2012 - end of Week 15. 

This is a photo actually from the Swingers Tournament we

played in on May 5th.  I personally can see a lot of

progress in my extremeties, but can you see that gut fat

hanging over my bikini bottom? Imagine in two months

when that has been melted away in the gym, and that

section is flat and toned :)

I've decided to take weekly photos to start tracking progress.  I should have done this ages ago, but I didn't have the heart to do it because I didn't believe I was capable of it.  But better late than never!  Now that I know I can do it, these progress photos are nothing more than capturing evidence of a time in my life that I expect to disappear very rapidly :)

 

This past Sunday, I decided to celebrate the end of my 4th month of diet and exercise with a giant boost into the next month - I did a 2-a-day workout.  And not just ANY 2-a-day; I played 5 hours of volleyball, drank a protein shake, and then went on a 4-mile beach run.  It was significantly taxing, but it felt so good; I felt so strong.  There is something very beautiful about pushing your body into complete exhaustion.  Food tastes better, showers feel more amazing, and plopping down on the couch in cozy PJs has got to be close to pure euphoria :)

 

After my run I went to the gym to shower and change cuz I had to run errands and didn't have the energy to drive all the way home.  Usually I use the Virgin Mobile "Heart Center" at my gym on every other Monday to take my weight, body fat % and blood pressure readings, but I decided that I wanted to see where I was on Sunday after all my workouts, just out of curiosity.  Mind you, I'm aware that I sweat a lot throughout the day but I was hydrating like a camel so I'm fairly certain I wasn't too water-weight low when I took this reading:

The last time I weighed myself (2 weeks ago), I was 139.8lbs. I theorized that 2 lbs of the weight loss seen here, could be attributed to water loss.  I stood there staring at the screen though and couldn't believe my eyes... I was finally at my goal weight, but I still have 2 more months of leaning out to go before I want to start cutting!  To say I was beyond-myself-thrilled at these results is a COMPLETE understatement!  I kind of had the feeling that I was on the cusp of some very rapid changes now that I was getting my body fat % down.  And on that note, I have mentioned this in prior blog entries, but it's worth saying again:  I do not actually have only a 14.5% body fat composition.  This machine using the infrared bicep measuring method, and my extremeties (arms and legs) are MUCH more toned than the rest of my body.  If my midsection was as toned as my biceps, I'd look like an olympian haha.  They say this machine can have up to a 4% reading inaccuracy, and I'd say that 18-19% body fat sounds more appropriate for me.  Maybe more, I don't know.  But I take the reading relatively; when I started out, the bicep reading said I was 20.7% body fat, I believe.  So relatively speaking, I have cut out a lot of fat in my body, regardless of what the REAL reading actually is :)

Because I was sure that my reading on Sunday was a bit biased by my extensive cardio load that day, I went ahead and measured myself again the following day, and here was what I got:

And as I suspected, I was 2 lbs up from the day prior.  But that isn't to discount the fact that I was 2 lbs down from my last real Monday reading!! The results keep on coming!!!

Now I'll go through the sequence of progress photos.  I feel like a narcisist posting all of these, but after all, this blog is a sort of diary for me to track my progress, and so I'm storing all of my photos from this journey in my blog to keep them all in one place.  Apologies therefore in advance if this is overkill, but I want evidence to look back on and share with people in the future who were just like me starting out, to prove that it can be done!! 

I spared no expense at making the goofiest faces possible.  People take themselves too seriously these days :D

Beginning of the Month progress photos - May 18, 2012 (near the end of Week 16):

More progress photos - May 21, 2012 (Beginning of Week 17):

For the record, I nearly flipped out when I took these photos - I wasn't going to take them, except that I was cleaning house (yes, in my awesome yellow stripped tube-top and purple leopard-printed pants.  What can I say, I have awesome taste in fashion ;D ) and I happened to see my reflection and noticed the definition of the very top abdominals starting to come through just below my tube-top.  I couldn't believe my eyes.... I knew the lighting helped, but I have never in my life seen that occur in my body, and it was a bit of a spiritual and slightly terrifying moment actually, when I realized I really was making things happen.  I felt incredibly powerful, and somewhat scared of with the realization of what I am actually achieving.  I was awe-inspired!

So there you have it!  End of Month 4 / beginning of Month 5 progress photos.  I am going to stay strong and continue on my leaning out phase till the end of Month 6. I'll post progress photos every two weeks.  I am finally starting to see the results I naïvely assumed it would only take me 30 days to achieve, but I couldn't be happier that it has taken this long.  My life is surely never going to be the same :)