6 years later....

Where do I even begin?

It’s been 6 years since my last post; 8 years since I went on my first body recomp quest. I can tell you now, I didn’t execute it correctly.  For all I’ve learned in the past 8 years, I was (1) NOT lifting properly - no progressive overload, no balanced program, too much volume and not enough substance; (2) I destroyed myself with cardio because I lacked basic knowledge of human physiology and exercise science - people told me I was doing it wrong all along but I never listened because I was still scared of change; (3) My macros were good but I persisted in a diet state for WAY TOO LONG, especially after 10 years of being a chronic dieter - I was due a long, dramatic, identity-crushing reverse diet.

My back injury really helped me out in that department though because it forced me to stop a couple of the issues above and then slowly, after subsequent years, the rest serendipitously got addressed as different life stages came up.

So where am I now? Quite literally, on my couch. Cozy blanket, hot cup of tea in hand, snow falling gently outside, quiet house.  

The year is 2020. It is 30 December. I am married and living in Sweden. My two beautiful toddlers I now have are fast asleep. The youngest will turn 2 on New Year’s Day, the desperately symbolic day of putting this shitshow of 2020 behind us.

I have lived 17,000 lives since I started this blog. I want to talk about it, but it’s just too long. A summary:

2012 - Body recomp. Great success (though unhealthily achieved). I was on top of the world.

2013 - Back injury. Destroyed beyond measure. I still remember the panic attacks as I saw my dream physique whittle away.  It was traumatic. It took me 2.5 years to heal my back and cost me my entire beach volleyball career. But what it DID do, was free up time for me to reconnect with a friend who I loved beyond measure... on the other side of the world... who I am now married to. If it weren’t for that back injury, I would not be on the other side of the world right now.

2014 - found out I had that breast tumor, did some solo travel, made huge steps to develop my relationship with my Swedish love, went vegan... began exploring the next steps of my life.... and on New Year’s Eve 2014, the Swede and I decided we wanted to live and be together. 2 weeks later I submitted my residence permit to move to Sweden.

2015 - one hellacious year of miserable, uncertain waiting as we waited for my immigration paperwork to process.  I spent mid-Dec to mid-Jan in Sweden with my love that year.  We knew our decision on my application was coming soon.  We were tired of waiting. So around New Year’s Eve we decided to throw chance to the wind and try for a baby... 2 weeks later, we learned we were pregnant :)

2016 - moved to Sweden in March, renovated the house for 6 months, had a baby in September, and kicked off a wild experience with postpartum depression in a foreign country. Not fun :/

2017 - survived PPD. Passed a few Swedish classes. Got back into health and fitness.

2018: got my Swedish driver’s license! Got my first Swedish job! Suffered two early miscarriages, and got pregnant with our second child.  Due date: New year’s eve :)

2019: Son was born on New Year’s Day. And so began an EXHAUSTING and unexpected journey with exclusive pumping... and major postpartum weight gain.

On New Year’s Eve 2019, on the eve of reaching my goal of breastfeeding for a year, I decided 2020 was going to be my year to dive all the way the heck in and stage a body recomp like I did in 2012.  

If you’re reading this, then you know what a disaster 2020 turned out to be.  I had my fair share of “all hope is lost!” moments... but I kept it together. And kept pushing. Kept learning.  Kept striving to do this the right way, the scientifically-backed way. The sustainable, accomplishable way.

So here I sit on my couch, 30 December 2020. About 30 hours away from succeeding at my 1-year fitness journey goal.  Rich with so much knowledge, armed with a plan that I want to tackle next year... and document here instead of so much on Instagram.

I will share the link to the documentary I’m making summing up this year and all my highs and lows, once it’s ready. It will be uploaded on my YouTube channel (An Expat Mommy in Sweden).

I find I want to write more these days than is socially acceptable on Instagram ;) I deleted Facebook a couple months ago, so I thought maybe just hearing myself talk here on blogger would be a nice change.  I went through and read some old posts of mine here recently and couldn’t believe the detail I had forgotten about my life just a few short years ago.

So for now, I’ll end this update with a general thought for 2021: I will start the year in a reverse diet.  Come May, I will stage another cut (I think I want to try 75 Hard). Then I’ll reverse out of that, and do a lean bulk over winter.  I turn 38 next year so in 2022 I will hopefully have been able to put on some solid mass without the added cost of much fat gain over 2021, and I am hopeful that come summer 2022, I will have that physique of my dreams - built the correct, sustainable way. 10 years after I first took a stab at it :)

Pictures to come, later.

The wheels are up... *Project: Veganism* has officially taken flight!

Today marks my 4th consecutive 100% vegan day.  I have been more or less at it for the better part of 2 weeks, but I had some chicken I was working my way through as I didn't want to waste it and throw it away.  

I wanted to get some initial thoughts on paper now as I am curious to monitor how my body responds to this experiment, but also because (based on previous experience) it is easy to forget very quickly what life was like during a period of change.  I want to "time capsule" these next couple weeks to document what the transition to veganism is like.  So, without further adieu....

Issues I'm Looking Forward to Monitoring

I have some health items I am curious to track to see if a plant-based diet can address.  First is the tumor in my breast.  It is benign (a hamartoma), but I'm curious to see if it might shrink.  The second is a minor dry skin condition that kinda nags at me.  I am suspicious that this might be connected to my third issue, which is that I have bouts of systemic candida.  This is most evidenced when I drink alcohol, but I know its there regardless.  And I've heard the dermatitis I have is often times associated with candida problems.  Also related to candida -- and something I am most interested to track -- is my Hashimoto's Syndrome, a thyroid auto-immune disease.  It is rumored that diet can reverse this syndrome, especially when caught early.  And I am in the early indicators phase.  So, I will be tracking those things along my journey.

Observations

Thus far, even after just a couple weeks of 95-100% veganism, I can say that my energy levels are off the charts.  I literally am bouncing around like I'm over-caffeinated all day long; except I'm not.  It's actually quite ridiculous, I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me because I can't calm down ;)

I seem to be recovering from workouts better, too.  I have stepped my training up a significant notch, but my muscles bounce back from failure after only about 36 hours now (sometimes it could take upwards of 3-4 days for me to recover).  I am supplementing with a little left over glutamine I have here at the house, but otherwise, I rely solely on a diversity of plants to obtain my aminos.

I am also now 3 months completely off of birth control, and I do not intend to ever put my poor body on synthetic hormones ever again.  They served their purpose when I was younger and had AWFUL cycles with PMS I could not handle (fatigue, pain, headaches, etc).  But now I'm old enough to just deal with it.  I'm allowing my body to do 100% naturally what it wants to do; I'm just supplying it with as many nutrients as possible.

Current Supplements

Daily, I take an odorless garlic supplement, a Whole Foods general "Immune Support" herbal blend, a B-12 supplement, probiotics, a glutamine tab (because I have a bottle in my house still that I need to work through), and an enzyme support blend to help in digesting and absorbing the plants I'm eating (particularly the raw ones).  I've been reading up and have learned that over time, after switching to a plant-based diet, your body will slowly evolve to be able to handle a greater influx of cellulose-containing food stuffs.  As of right now, I do need the assistance of an extra cellulase enzyme boost to assist in the dirty work ;)

Other changes include using plant-based soaps and shampoos (just for the fun of it), I drink about 80-100 fl oz of water a day, and I take my coffee black -- I am about 75% of the way there to actually enjoying it! And I shop exclusively at Whole Foods because the labels are easy for me to determine that the foods I am buying are organic, fair trade and non-GMO.  If I am going to go all out with this diet/lifestyle experiment, I want to do it right,  And I'm willing to pay for it, so long as the means last.

Training

In terms of training, I have switched to HIIT cardio and a lot of circuit training with my PT dudes. This varies from the steady state cardio I have been doing (albeit at an intense level!), and a lifting schedule that included designating specific days for specific muscle groups.

Current Diet
The following is my current diet (for purposes of record keeping, of course :))

Breakfast
2 servings of [fortified] oatmeal
1 tbsp hemp hearts
1 tbsp chia seeds
1/2 cup organic plain soymilk
1 cup black coffee

Lunch
Green Protein Smoothie! Currently this contains about 2 cups of spinach, 1 cup of kale, 1 cup of green grapes, 1/4 avocado, 1 kiwi, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, 1/2 green apple, 4-6 frozen broccoli florets, 1/2 cup peas, and a scoop of Plant Fusion protein powder.

Snacks
1/2 cup of black beans, 1/4 cup of mixed nuts, and a NuGo vegan non-GMO protein bar (currently in Mint Chocolate flavor).

Dinner
As of right now I am eating homemade baked falafel and toum sauce with a romaine lettuce and tomato side salad dressed with a mixture of fresh lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper, and minced garlic.

One of these days I'll get around to calculating the totals of what I'm eating, but these certainly do keep me full! :)

This Crazy Vegan Experiment: Preparations (Episode 1)

I have a tendency to be overzealous about most things -- start strong and quit a couple weeks in --, but health, physique and fitness have never been a thing I've sunk my teeth into and let go easy.

I'm quite eager to begin this crazy vegan experiment, but I don't want to ruin the ceremony of beginning on January 1.  Plus, I know I need to consult some professionals to make sure I approach this the right way.

A couple months ago, I had a blood draw conducted to measure a variety of things.  I have the beginning markers of Hashimoto's Disease (an auto-immune thyroid disease), but I had also just gotten over a violent random bacterial infection which showed I had jaundice (among other things), and my doctors wanted to ensure I had returned to normal a couple weeks later.  I had; and I also now have a baseline of my blood chemistry to use as the "beginning" point of my journey.  I will get my blood drawn again on July 1 2015, and (as close to) January 1, 2016, to measure any kind of statistically significant shifts in my bio-feedback.

I've also arranged to take tomorrow off of work so that I can have my body composition measured for the first time [by a professional] ever.  I'm actually so not looking forward to hearing the results that I intend to ask them to put them in an envelop and hand them to me, and I'll open them at some later point in time.  I will have my composition tested once ever 3 months.

The most recent workout I did with Coach D

In addition to measurements and such, I have hired a second PT team that will focus on the physical aspect more than the therapy (although I still definitely need both).  This, to help further my recovery from an L4/L5 and L5/S1 disc injury event.  My trainer (who adamantly requires me to call him "Coach"), Danny, has been nothing short of amazing in just the 3 weeks I've seen him.  He's kicked my ass more times than I can add up in the past 3 years.  And the best part is that my back is not only dealing with it, but I'm having less tightness, actually.... which means it's working. :)

So, basically it's just all-around good news in terms of getting this ball rolling, preparing properly, and ramping up to handle this next phase of my athletic pursuits.  I think I am finally ready to start back up where I left off on January 28, 2013, when my back went.

In other news, though... some obstacles.  First of all, January 1 will be smack dab in the middle of two of my best friends visiting for a month from Sweden.  We'll be on the road all over the place, touring California.  So workout opportunities will be strained, as will food complications.  But by then, I plan to be prepared and armed with everything I need to know to make the right choices for my plan.  

Which leads me to my current second obstacle:  balancing my macro-nutrients.  For all this time, I've been trying to limit sugars, be cautious about what carbs I put in my body, quality fats/proteins etc.  For the most part, when I was training, I was able to stick to a 40-40-20 spread (40% calories from healthy carbs, 40% from protein, and 20% from fat).  But I drafted my first meal plan (which I thought was very balanced) and it came out to 50% carbs, 30% fats, 20% protein.  Upon researching, I think 20% protein (a little over 90g) is fine for me.  Whilst I want to build muscle, I do not need to be body builder status..... yet :)  But trying to limit carbohydrates (particularly sugars) is a struggle when planning meals around a biodiversity of plants.  I will err toward lower glycemic fruits, but one thing I need professional advice on is whether I can truly eat a varied diet and still achieve the physique goals I have.  After all, sugar is sugar... and I can only eat just so much tofu to bring up my protein and bring down my carb intake.

So far, my January plan is to have oatmeal, hemp hearts and homemade almond milk for breakfast, a piece of ezekiel toast with black bean spread and a tomato for snack, a protein green smoothie for lunch, a vegan protein bar & pumpkin seeds for snack, and then a big thing of tofu, squash, broccoli and garlic sauce for dinner.  I'll be supplementing with glutamine, an herbal immune support and garlic tabs, and I'll eventually probably add vegan protein powder to my oatmeal and spirulina to my diet somehow (barf).  All in, that's a 2,000 calorie meal plan, which I think is more than sufficient energy intake to compensate for my workouts.  Again, though; I will need to have a professional take a look at it.

I normally would take this time to spell out my fears or forecasts of difficulty.  But part of me doesn't really want to think about it; I kind of just want to take it one day at a time.  I'm mostly afraid my digestive system will not adapt well to the plant sugars (I struggle to digest cruciferous things, lentils, hummus, etc).  So I will need to make sure to supplement myself properly with enzymes, and spend the next 6 weeks easing myself into foods.

I'm not just going vegan, but I'm going "whole foods" vegan -- nothing processed.  No soy cheese, no tofu sausages... CLEAN vegan.  Clegan! :D I'm investing the money to go all organic / non-GMO.  And because I know I will have days where I am just hungry -- not "real" hungry, but wanting to kick back and eat something that isn't green -- I will need to uncover approved desserty snack foods for those days.  I'm thinking raw protein or granola bars (I can store them in the freezer), air-popped popcorn, and god knows what else.  It's hard to find high protein/low-fat/low carb vegan food sources.  Or, at least it has been a challenge as of now.  And I worry about making sure I get the right amount of iron and other micronutrients.  I worry about being moody.  I fortunately have so many hippie and food allergy friends here in LA that being accepted socially will be no issue for me, and I have an abundance of vegan restaurants (that are DELICIOUS, mind you!) to choose from....  but trying to control an athlete's diet on top of food restrictions might just piss me off until I get it down to a science.

In any event, I am committed to this.  And I am looking forward to sharing what I learn along the way.

Why I'm Adopting A Vegan Diet for all of 2015 (all the while remaining a competitive athlete working toward gaining muscle mass)

It actually started in 2012 when I decided to try clean eating for the first time.  Up until then, I was your classic, misinformed American twenty-something.  History of yo-yo dieting, only eating diet foods and low fat options, blah blah blah.  We all know the story.

Over the course of the past few years I have taught myself to cook, adopted an entire clean eating life-style, and have gotten more into the notion of micro-nutrient profiles instead of just basic macros.

But recently, with the progression of my back injury healing, I have taken up 2-a-day workouts again, and have decided I am ready to dedicate the next 6 weeks to dialing in exactly what I am feeding my body, how I am training it, and trying to engineer my outcomes.

On my birthday, I bought a Vitamix.  I thought it would be a fun and healthy toy to motivate me to push forth; blaze new trails, reinvigorate the process, etc.

Well, it did,  And then some...

I got into sourcing my produce from Farmer's Markets.  I had elected to take a month off of volleyball training to focus on my gym sessions and cautiously monitor my back.  This freed up my weekends, and I found a great joy in picking up fresh product from farmers, and then going home and blending it into a meal right away.  And this meal became an art and a hobby for me; I realized that produce that normally gave me digestive issues (either by type or quantity) no longer did when I ingested them in smoothie form.  I assume its because the produce is being broken down into its most bio-available source requiring minimal enzyme processes in the digestive tract, but I am no expert so who knows. I also transitioned from shopping mostly from Trader Joe's, to exclusively from Whole Foods, purposefully selecting only organic, non-GMO products. It was for fun, but it also felt right; I felt like I was doing something lovely for my body, and respecting it.

But then I went further.  After successfully completing a 1-month stint of incorporating green protein smoothies into my diet, I began to wonder if I could take this another step further.  Could I replace dinner with a smoothie too?  If I used homemade almond milk with my cereal in the morning and ensured my snacks were plant-based (vegan) and supplied necessary macros like fat and carbs in the right quantities, could I go full-time vegan?  What if I bought a juicer to supplement my afternoon snack with a shot of more produce?

So I began the easiest, most accessible research I could start with:  Documentaries on Netflix.  Netflix has a vast library of nutritional documentaries on hand.  I watched The Gerson Miracle; Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead; Food Inc.; Hungry for Change; Forks Over Knives; and Crazy Sexy Cancer (Vegucated and Chew On This TED Talks are next on my viewing list).  What I began to realize is that this is something I believe in, and exactly what I've been looking for for over 7 years.  Something I could inspire myself with -- an art, a hobby, and a means to help achieve the physique and health I want -- all the while expanding my knowledge and creating a new career option for myself.

So I've decided to make an experiment of myself, much like countless others before me. I intend to go to the Library later this week and rent The China Study and any other materials I can get my hands on, and I signed up for information on beginning my studies to get my certification from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition.  From what I have thus far researched, it may be possible that with specific practices and enzyme supplements, I might be able to bypass (and perhaps "cure"?) my digestive issues with certain vegetables.  It will take a lot of careful research to determine exactly how to get all the proper macros I need considering as I want to be building lean muscle mass while I do this, and I will need to spend a lot of time tooling and re-tooling menus so that I am never left wondering what to do.  The goal is simple:  a whole foods, plant-based diet.  No crap "vegan food" with soy fillers and other junk.  Whole foods.  Plant-based.  Plain and simple -- the amino profiles for protein are easy to develop by educating oneself and combining plant-based sources.

I will be dedicating the balance of this year preparing for this ultimate New Years Resolution, and I will be purchasing a Omega Juicer for myself for Christmas :)  And I have decided that I will allow myself every right to opt out if I find I need to stop to figure out a better plan of attack given what I learn, or if I struggle too immensely with addressing and combating digestive complications.  But one thing is decided:  I will 100% be dedicating at LEAST 30 days to this diet.  Thus, I will have the first month's menu and battle plan figured out, and then I will repeat it in February if all goes well, while developing the following month's diets.

So, allow this to be the first of many posts on this new journey -- the struggles, the changes, the recipes, and the challenges of trying to develop a physique on a whole foods plants-based diet.  I will be seeing my doctor to have a full blood panel done, as well as other tests to establish a base-line.  And then I will test myself again after 30 days, 90 days, 180 days, and 360 days.  I have no real underlying health issues from which to measure progress, but I trust the stats will improve regardless, and in conjunction with reporting on other mechanics like body fat %, lean muscle mass %, sleep quality, strength, and other things..... I think it will be able to paint a picture of what these documentaries are trying to convey.

So... 45 days to plan, 365 days to execute.  Here. We. Go. :)))

The Only 5 Steps You Need to Follow to Achieve A Goal

Oh hi!

I'm in the throes of misery at my job. I mean, I am so very very thankful to have gainful employment and such, but.... the situation I am in is mentally unhealthy.  And while I was doing the dishes at home the other night, I realized that I have a habit of allowing myself to languish at companies the same way I let myself languish in relationships.  It's not a fit, and I know it's not a fit, but I'm so afraid of letting go of everything I know and enduring CHANGE, that I find comfort in the reliability of my current misery over the risk of seeking happiness and falling flat on my face.

I feel like life has been teaching me some tough lessons over the past few years, and while they present in completely different ways, I'm finding I'm having to learn the same lesson over and over.  A bad relationship, a bad injury, and now an unsafe working situation... at what point will I realize that only I can change my attitude and circumstances, and that being proactive about my life is the only way to truly live?

So as I stood at the sink, I tried to think of ways I've remedied my bad situations in the past.  What about the times I was unhappy about something and decided to take my own fate into my own hands and be proactive about changing my circumstances?  What about the times I had a goal, even; what did I find I needed in order to employ a plan to achieve whatever it was I was after?

I thought about how I tackled college;  I thought about how I fought from remedial math all the way up to advanced calculus.  I thought about how I set my eyes on making my collegiate soccer team after having NO experience playing on my high school team, and how I ended up becoming a starter in the end.  And I thought about going from a completely backwards Standard American Diet and shitty workout ethic to learning and achieving everything I have in terms of health and fitness in the past couple years.

What did these instances have in common?

I thought about it for a couple days.  And then I wrote these notes.

How Exactly To Achieve Any Goal

1) The Basics: Know what your goal is, and fully define it.

You need to have a general idea of what the finish line is.  For some, it is an actual finish line; something finite, quantifiable. "I want to cross the finish line of a half marathon".  "I want to lose 100 lbs."  "I want to be the Senior Vice President of my division at work."  "I want to get a 95% or better on my exam."

But some goals begin as feelings:  "I want to feel the rush of victory at something".  "I just want to feel good about how I look."  "I want to be proud of what I do for work; I want to feel like I am contributing to society."  "I want to prove to myself that I'm smarter than society makes me feel I am."  Feelings are good, but you need to let them guide you to something quantifiable.  Because without a finite end, there is no way to make a plan, judge your progress, or really know when you have arrived.

2) Understand the cost.

Last weekend I went and bought $400 worth of power tools because I wanted to build my own up-raised planters for my balcony.  I wanted to give myself a healthy hobby, to put my hands to use and therapeutically take my mind off of work.  Plus I'm crafty as fuck.  I had the money saved up, and so I spent it.

The problem is that when I had my ONE gym day-off last night -- and my only free time that isn't taken up by work, training, necessary socializing, volleyball, eating, sleeping or bathing -- I realized I didn't want to spend that time making a loud chaotic mess on a project that really required all of my focus and attention, which I just wasn't willing to give.  Rest, peace, and quiet on Wednesday afternoons/evenings is just too precious for me to spend it woodworking like an uninformed lunatic.

Think through the costs and sacrifices -- as many as you can foresee, at least -- BEFORE you start your goal.  Understanding the difficulties before you start will help you keep your eyes focused on your goal when you are enduring the difficulties.  It also might help you redefine your dream, or even stop you from chasing a something you might not actually even want (see Step 5).

3) Make a map.

No matter how little you know about what you are undertaking, and how crazy some of the steps might seem, write on a piece of paper what your goal is, and at least 5 steps that get you from where you are to where you want them to be.  Make sure you understand the fine line that distinguishes steps that push you to dream big, and those that are just flat out unrealistic and may set you up for failure.  Say you are 4 feet tall and your goal is to scale a 20-ft vertical wall.  It would be unrealistic to say that you are just gonna start aimlessly jumping and maybe miraculously reach the top somehow.  But some goals require a little bit of dreaming and creative problem solving.  Perhaps you have a length of rope and a tall tree next to the wall.  Sure, you've never climbed a 20-ft tree, nor had to climb a rope to even reach the first branch you could use to climb toward the wall's top; but is it too unrealistic to set your mind to the task, practice, take it bit by bit, and utilize the tree to help you achieve your goal?? No.

If your goal was to lose 100lbs, you may set small goals:  1) Hire a nutritionist to create a meal plan, and promise to stick to it for 1 week.  And then 1 month.  And then 2 months.  2) Commit to 15 minutes of outdoor walking for a couple weeks.  Then 30 mins.  Then jogging.  Then set a goal to run a 5k.... etc.  All of these small goals lead toward the final end point and give you something manageable to work toward in the face of a goal that might seem completely impossible on the surface.

4) Be willing to accept setbacks, detours and humility, BEFORE you start your journey. (And commit to learning how to use these all to your advantage.)

Oh.  You think you aren't going to fail several times along the way? You aren't going to have some set-
backs?  You aren't going to be forced to change your ENTIRE map because something isn't working according to your plan?  If that is your attitude, then you've already failed.  Not only will the frustration of inevitable trials alone make you believe your goal is not possible, but even if you DO miraculously manage to achieve your goal without falling on your face even once, then you've missed out on an amazing experience of learning just how adaptive and creative a human being can be when they have an iron will and eyes set on a mountain of a goal.  Those set backs, failures and detours could be anywhere from annoying to devastating, but what you learn from overcoming them is knowledge you will NEVER learn in any other way.  It's where wisdom and perspective come from, not to mention it improves your problem-solving skills, gives you a good story to share in the future, and reinforces just how important your goal is to you.  One day you will look back the most fondly on your setbacks, because the pride you feel for overcoming them will swell for all eternity afterwards.

Every goal worth fighting for will be one that likely provokes a feeling of defeat in you before a feeling of success. If you feel defeated, then you're actually probably doing it right.  Keep thinking, keep trouble-shooting, put your head down, and push through the headwinds; keep willing one foot in front of the other.

5) The Real Kicker: Want your goal bad enough to actually achieve it.

This is the one kicker, the one step where so long as you have this one down, you actually could get away with skipping all the previously aforementioned steps:  You have to actually want your goal bad enough to achieve it.

It sounds silly; how can you even have a goal -- a dream -- without first wanting it?

It's not that we don't want our goals; I would love to quit my job and walk across America. It's a dream of mine to build my house by hand in the countryside.  And I'd love to study for the MCAT, go to medical school and become a trauma surgeon.  The problem is that I don't want those things bad enough to commit to the journey -- or rather, all the inherent trials, tribulations and sacrifices.  All too often we hear people say how badly they want 6-pack abs.  Gyms across the world are packed on January 1 with people who have big goals, plenty of motivation, and a wealth of good intention.  The problem is that the second things become difficult, or uncomfortable, or scary, or REAL........ people back down.  They make excuses, or allow themselves to believe they "can't do it", without even trying.  And some people would rather remain in the consistent discomfort of staying complacent in their current misery, then venturing out and believing in the triumph that follows a determined heart; and enduring the struggles before enjoying the spoils.

Like what Dr. Eric Thomas said, "As long as you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you will be successful."

If you know what your goal is, if you've plotted out the steps to achieve it, visualized the difficulties, and committed to pushing through them, and if you really actually WANT your goal -- like, bad enough that you'd give anything to have that end result -- then you can't fail. Remember that taste of blood in your mouth.  Write down all the reasons you want the goal, all of those feelings you have that are driving you to embark on this journey, no matter how vague or specific they are.  Memorialize the beginning.  Take progress photos or capture real, true video confessionals of where you are now or what you want and why.  Because there WILL come a time when the struggles will make the feelings go away, and you don't want to lose focus on why you are you doing what you are doing.  No matter how desperately you want a dream, you will usually always be pushed to a point where you forget how bad you want it.  Leave yourself tokens to remember what it tasted like to have your teeth sunk into your dream, and it will carry you through the times that your heart, body and/or soul will fail you on.

That is how you achieve a goal.

~Meg

Weeks 10, 11 and 12: A Super Long Update...plus, the dreaded... PROGRESS PHOTOS :/

So, I finally passed the "Week 11" threshold.  Oh, glorious week 11... it was at the 11th week that I started to see progress in 2012, and I am officially seeing a lot of progress now! I'm having to tighten my bikini bottoms, clothes that didn't fit do now... I'm feeling amazing!  I'll detail these items below with my first release of PROGRESS PHOTOS!

UPDATE ON THE GENERAL PROCESS:
I am finding it increasingly difficult to check in on a weekly basis to blog, though I have so many thoughts, ideas, and tidbits I want to document in my transformation.

My work schedule has been chaotic -- I've been logging 10+ hour days at the office for the past 5 weeks.  Nonetheless, I have stuck to my workout plan.  Some days have been extremely hard to muster up the energy to produce a quality workout.  In those times, I draw upon my favorite motivational YouTube video (link: CLICK HERE) and my list of reasons why I am on this journey (which I will post later).  It's a funny thing -- when you want something SO badly, it's hard to imagine you'll ever find yourself in a place so difficult, exhausting, or otherwise seemingly impossible, that you lose your focus and begin to think that how you are feeling now (negatively) is not worth the toll your goals demand.  Several times last week I felt myself wanting to just quit for a couple days.  My body and my mind were drained, and there was one point (Thursday of last week, as I recall so clearly) where I remember sitting in the employee kitchen eating my pre-workout meal thinking to myself, "What am I doing?? I need to go home and sleep.  This workout is impossible."  Normally, I probably would have listened to that intuitive voice.  But I had scheduled an extra rest day last week for Friday, and decided to tough it out on Thursday.

As the funny meme suggests, rarely does one ever regret a workout.  Thursday reeeeally pushed my limits on believing there are no exceptions to this meme.  Even after toughing out as hard of a workout as I could (which, I'll admit, I still cut some corners and simply couldn't pull myself together enough to produce a strong cardio segment), I wondered if I hadn't actually done more harm than good by not giving my body the rest it craved.


Strangely, though, the next day I felt flush full of energy and, after getting dismissed early from work, decided I had the time and strength to do a regular workout.  Go figure.

The boy and I.  Sadness! :*(

One other wrench thrown into my life plan a couple weeks ago was that my boyfriend and I broke up.  I won't get into the details, but suffice it to say the event translated into some SERIOUS workouts in the gym.  I just ran and lifted my way out of sorrow, and I'm feeling great for it.  The break-up also means I have full control over my time and diet now, which means I can focus more on my goals and getting to where I want to be.  It hurts, and its sad, but the beauty about having a passion and a project to work on, is that you stay distracted and focused on what you love; the positive. I used to be an emotional eater, but through the course of diet and training (particularly back in 2012), I re-trained my mind to console myself with other feel-good things that didn't involve food, which also helped me cope throughout the past couple weeks and stay on track.  Shopping, splurging on a massage, taking long contemplative bike rides or walks.... sometimes even just going to a local park and people-watching has had healing powers over me.  But mostly, keeping myself busy -- working on those projects that I've let build up, splurging on new gardening tools and planting something, etc -- has been, in a word, "EPIC" at healing a broken heart without the use of junk food or wallowing on the couch instead of getting up and staying on track. 

UPDATE ON WORKOUTS
One new thing I have added into my routine over the past 3 weeks is a circuit training day in place of my regular Back/Chest day.  I've been taking one of those platforms that people use for step aerobics and stacking it onto 5 or 6 risers and placing it in a secluded part of my gym.  Then I do 100 jumps with a jump rope, immediately kneel on the makeshift bench and crank out 8 reps of a 35-lb single arm row (8 reps for each arm), then go immediately lay down on the bench and do 10 reps of a 27.5lb dumbbell chest press (27.5lbs per dumbbell), and then go right into a 45 second plank on the floor.  I aim for 6 sets of this, and done quickly enough, it has an exhaustive cardio element to it.

I have decided that each month, I will replace one of my normal lifting routines with a circuit just to keep things varied. Next week I will start a circuit for biceps and triceps.  Just got to research and plan one out.

UPDATE ON NUTRITION
I had several weeks in a row of SUPER solid nutritional planning.  I didn't feel the desire to cheat, so I stuck to a very clean (very boring!) meal plan, because it seemed to work.  I had my regular unsweetened bran flakes w/ skim milk for breakfast, 3 poached boneless/skinless chicken tenderloins w/ 3 cups steamed spinach and 1/2 cup cooked plain barley for lunch, 1/2 cup of roasted pistachios with a Quest Bar for an afternoon snack, a banana & 3 tbsp natural peanut butter for pre-workout, and then 6 eggs scrambled (2 yolks, 4 whites) with 4 cups of steamed spinach and a Cutie tangerine for dinner.  If I was extra hungry, I'd have a recovery protein shake directly following my workout. 

Café Gratitude "Awakening" pie... DIVINE.

In Week 11, however, I had a variety of cheat meals.  Two Sundays ago, my best friend's mom cooked a traditional Irish feast for St. Pat's.  We're talking full-fat corned beef, cabbage/carrots, soda bread, BBQ asparagus, and then a berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream for dessert.  I had seconds -- of both!! It felt SO good, and really gave my body a boost.  I woke up feeling re-fueled and good.  But then on Wednesday I had a date (already... yikes!) and we went to a DELICIOUS vegan restaurant.  It was all natural and organic, but nonetheless I know I blew my macros out of the park with dessert alone (which happened to be a Key Lime and Avocado Cream Pie -- maybe the most delicious thing I have ever had.  Bravo, Café Gratitude!) And THEN, on Friday, my friend ordered Thai food for all of us, and I completely gorged myself on coconut curry and pad Thai.  So, it was a cheat WEEK for me.  But I don't feel bad about it at all.  In fact, I feel great! I'm glad I infused some extra calories and new foods into my diet.  Kinda give my metabolism a break, give my mental state a break, and now I'm more than motivated to get back onto the plan and push for another 2-3 super clean weeks before I splurge again in April.

The Plan for this Week
My plan for this week is to stay the course.  Today and Thursday will be legs day at the gym plus solid intervals on the elliptical.  On Tuesday I plan to run 5 miles, and then do my final back/chest circuit plus a chest/posterior delt fly and assisted pull ups.  Wednesday is my day off but will be an active rest - I'll go for a walk, and do my therapy for my back.  Friday will either be a day off if I plan to play volleyball on Saturday, otherwise it will be biceps, triceps, shoulders and some kind of cardio (maybe hill repeats).  I wish I had access to a pool.

And not, for the long awaited.... PROGRESS PHOTOS!
Shit just officially got real.  Don't judge me for how soft I was when I started back up again.  I as practically on bed rest for all of 2013 :(

This was after week 1

After week 3.  Still had a fluffy belly in full effect!

This was after week 5.  Super hard time because it had already been 35 days and I could see how far I still had to go.  My face says it all.

After week 10.  Starting to see a little definition.  Clothes are starting to fit better.  A smile of hope on my face after 63 days!

Week 11 - More progress, bigger smiles :)

Week 12 - My current state -- still a long ways to go, but finally some visible progress

So, clearly I have a looong ways to go -- especially in the legs department, but my hands are tied there until my therapist gives me clearance to start doing squats, deadlifts, and really any exercise involving the quads.  Right now I'm only allowed to do hams and glutes.  For the record, I haven;t fit into those bikini bottoms since 4 months into my progress in 2012, so I feel like I'm right on track :)

More progress photos in  a month or so!

Week 9: How Bad Do You Want It?

"When you want  to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you will be successful"
-Eric Thomas

In week nine, I realized something very important:  I am going to succeed.  I have this one dream, and sometimes it seems so far-fetched given the limitations my back problem poses, but it doesn't matter; I'm going to achieve every single one of my goals.  It might take me longer than 6 months.  It might take me longer than 6 years.  But one day, I will be on this blog posting about how NOTHING is impossible if you want it bad enough to do whatever it takes.

Dr. Eric Thomas's words have spoken to me for 2 years now.  His speech (some of which is posted in the video at the end of  this blog) propelled me through the tough times in 2012 when I first starting chasing after this crazy dream, and they have now taken my hand once again.  I spent all of 2013 sitting on the sidelines, stuck on bed rest, not even being able to walk without pain.  Patience was no option when all I felt, all day long, was that bloodlust to get back in the gym and keep working toward my goal.  Fate had a different path in mind for me.

There's this funny thing about dreams -- the ones for which we are intoxicatingly fervent -- they never let us go.  They haunt us until we haunt them.  For some of us, if we're lucky, we have a vision that provokes the same feelings in us as a desperate, unrequited love - a love we can't bear to live without, a love that chokes us in our sleep and occupies every thought, every moment, and every action we make in life.  

For me, building my physique is something so much more than the superficial.  It is so much more than a physical state of being.  It even transcends being an emotional, spiritual or psychological transformation; it is the complete intermixing of each of these qualities of being human, and then more.  

Just last week, GORGO posted this photo on their Facebook Page.

To some, it may appear just a typical motivational meme.  To me, it summed up in one sentence the very essence behind this drive I have within to achieve my goal. When I first started seriously training in 2012, it WAS only just about looking good.  In fact, the very words out of my own mouth in my first blog post on this site were, "Why doesn't my body look like the elite athlete I feel like I work so hard for it to be!?"  It was always about outward appearances.  It was always about slaving away at the gym to have the results -- never about the process.  Like a desk jockey who throws away 9 hours of their day every weekday just to have a paycheck in the end -- and not actually enjoying their craft at all.  But it didn't matter; all I wanted was the body to show for it.

That is, until I tasted the first moment of what it felt like to be strong.  That first moment I looked in the mirror and saw with my eyes the difference.  That moment when I realized all the time I spent researching, constructing routines, following the advice of the experts, cleaning up my diet and REFUSING to make excuses or fall to temptations.  That time I felt my lats flex for the first time, and felt over come with empowerment.  I felt.... invincible.  Capable.  I felt like I had somehow righted all of the wrongs from my past by proving to myself that I could set my mind to a goal and accomplish it on my own.  I felt an overwhelming pride of ownership in who and what I was, and what I had earned.  There is just this ethereal essence of simply existing that can be felt (almost like a high, I would imagine) when you put absolutely everything you have into a task -- more than just blood sweat and tears, but also your heart, your soul, and everything you ever believed about your limitations (and then some!) -- and then to see it finally translate onto your canvas.  It was like breathing fresh air for the first time.  It was the most awake, most alive, I had ever felt.

It was a challenge, and it was exciting, and it was beautiful.  It was an art and a form of expression; it touched upon every element of what I need as a human to live a fulfilling life.

So when all of it was taken away from me so suddenly when I injured my back, it was complete ruin.  I had to ask myself some incredibly difficult questions in the midst of my long recovery, and went through some dark times I'd care never to repeat.

But, here we are. Things will never be as they once were for me, but not a single day passed during my recovery that I ever faltered and my passion for this dream ever faded.  It was always there, waiting for me.  I don't know how long it will take, but I will absolutely be damned if I don't achieve my goal.

The question is, what are my goals?  So far, its just a number: 15%.  That is what I want to get my body fat down to, and to build natural lean muscle.  Whether I actually choose to compete one day is a different story; its more just a personal thing.  I'd also like to be able to run the Big Sur half marathon, and finally win my damn A and AA ratings in volleyball.

Really, I just want to prove to myself that I won't let the circumstances if life snuff me out. Not yet, at least.

Week Nine was solid.  I ramped up my workouts -- particularly my cardio, to increase my caloric burn and help with the leaning out phase.  I did a LOT of stretches for my back each day, and it helped tremendously.  I continued with my weight training but took extra precaution on legs day.  I stuck to my diet, and acknowledge I will need to be on top of my diet more on the weekends.  Week 10 will be about continued vigor in cardio, an increase in weights, the addition of a new circuit training day, and clamping down more on my diet. 

"Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, or an hour, or a day -- or even a year.  But eventually, it WILL subside. And something else will take its place.  The most important thing is this: To be able to, at any moment, sacrifice what you are, for what you will become."
--Eric Thomas

Week Six and Seven: The Good, Bad and Ugly (Oh who are we kidding; it was all just ugly)

I know I'm nearing the end of Week 7, but I skipped Week 6's blog.  And for good reason; it was a bad week.  What can I say?

A Summary of Week 6:

1. Valentine's Day:  V-day was the Friday before Week 6 started for me.  I felt my left glute hurt in a way signifying my back was going on the fritz.  I decided I would spend the weekend resting.  I ate healthy more or less, but didn't work out and my back definitely was wonky.  And I definitely splurged on Valentine's with the BF - big steaks, strawberry shortcake and champagne.  Oh well!  
2. Monday, Wednesday and Friday of Week 6:  90-minute physical therapy sessions.  Back was awful all week.  Barely worked out at all, all week.  Started to feel really negative about my situation, my body... lots of negativity in Week 6.  Found myself getting angry and jealousy of my boyfriend when I saw him come home all a hot sweaty mess from his workouts.  Made me feel helpless and trapped in a body that wouldn't let me do all the things I had so much crazy passion and energy to do.
3. Wednesday of Week 6: Did I mention I went out with my girlfriends for dinner and only had $11 and, in my refusal to use my credit card (a New Years Resolution I've stuck to!), I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries!? I chocked it up to a cheat meal, but really it was just stupid reasoning on my part, especially knowing my back was bad and I wouldn't be working out for a while.
4. Saturday: Watched the UFC fight with my boyfriend at Dave and Buster's.  The buffet served:  Mac n' Cheese, sliders, fried chicken and Cesar salad.  My only option was the salad, though I'm pretty sure it had more calories in it than any of the other options.  Did I confess yet that I also had a mai tai AND a long island ice tea? I haven't had alcohol since Halloween of 2013. I somehow rationalized that I was taking a break from diet/exercise until my back was healed.  Please tell me where the logic was in that?
5. Sunday:  Spent the whole day on the couch.  Granted it was to rest my back so that I could start Monday with clean footing, but..... holy Christ.  I feel like I just undid the first 5 weeks of hard work.

And on top of all of this, last Sunday (beginning of Week 7), I had a complete meltdown.  My boyfriend bought one of those scales that purports to tell you your BMI, Body Fat %, Muscle % and Water %.  I'm sure the standard deviation is so high on those things that it's not useful to seriously consider those numbers as even a guideline.  Nonetheless, the scale told me my body fat % was something like 24%.  I know I'm around 20-21% (which is still way higher than I want to be... I got down to 16.7% at the height of my training back in 2012), but it broke my heart.  I excused myself to the bathroom, closed the door, didn't even bother to turn the light on, and just collapsed into a heap and started to cry.  I kept reflecting on July of 2012.  It was the highest point of my life -- hands down.   I am addicted to that feeling I felt back in June/July 2012 when I was at my peak and felt like not anything in the whole world could stop me.  I loved myself, I loved my body, I loved the strength and liberation.  And sometimes, it is incredibly hard to keep the faith that I will find a way of getting back to that place.

But then I read this post and it reminded me that I am only on Week 6/7 of my 2014 journey; it took 6 months before I reached my high point in 2012.  I'm still at the base of this mountain -- not all hope is lost on me yet.  So I dried my eyes, picked myself up off the floor, and resolved to start over again.  I would have to go slower in 2014, and I would have to be smarter; but it's not impossible.  NOTHING is impossible.

A Summary of Week 7 (so far):

Exercise

Today is Thursday (of Week 7) and I'm happy to report that my back is doing pretty ok now.  I've gone easy on my workouts - no HIIT, no increasing my weights to new PR levels.  I've been focusing on perfecting form, not lifting heavier.  I also have had to adopt a new routine of intense therapy and warm-ups.  I used to do 5 minutes of cardio warm up, go straight into weights, and then round it out with 45 minutes of cardio and about 30 minutes of stretching/therapy for my back.  I now start with 30 minutes of stretching and such for my back, then do 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill to warm my body up and loosen my muscles, then I go into my weights routine, and then I do 20-30 minutes of actual calorie-burning cardio (which I hope to turn into HIIT next week), followed by another 30 minutes of stretching and cool-down.  It results in exhausting 2.5 - 3 hour gym sessions, but if that's the price I have to pay to continue rehabbing my back whilst safely working toward my goals, then that's a price I'm willing to pay.

Week 7 has simply been about re-adopting a modus operandi of consistency:  Getting back into the swing of things.  No coffee, no treats, stick to my meal plan, no crazy workouts but stick to the routine as usual.  I need to get a "Reassurance Week" under my belt to prove that I'm still in this game and so is my back.

Diet

I changed my diet up a little bit this week.  I began making my dinners for breakfast - 4 egg whites and 1 whole egg scrambled with a little Daiya (dairy-free) cheese, 3 cups of steamed spinach and 4 black olives on the side.  It replaced my bowl of cereal in the morning.  But unfortunately, I need that cereal.  It's just plain bran flakes but my stomach reeeeeally responds well to the fiber in it (it does not respond similarly to fibers in fruits/veggies or other grains).  So at night, after my workout, I've been having a protein shake and then a small serving of the cereal with non-fat milk.  I know I am breaking all kinds of rules about carbs at night or whatever, but it's the only real carbohydrate I get in the day (other than my pre-workout banana), so I don't feel guilty. 

Goals For Next Week:

Week 7 - the "week of consistency" - was improved, but not perfect.  I didn't have time to meal prep last weekend, so I've been eating just whatever's in my pantry and freezer for my lunches.  Today I will write up my new meal plan for "Back in Action" Week 8, and will keep my eyes, heart and brain completely focused on good form at the gym, diligent stretching, strict diet, and really just making myself a sacrificial lamb to my dreams. The fire and desire are still so alive and hungry inside of me.  It's time to take it to the next level and try to push for as much results as I can manage.  I remember in 2012, once I finally began reaping results, i looked back most fondly to the dark, challenging, doubtful times of the beginning, when things seemed so hard and results weren't coming.  I think I had such warm memories of those times because that is the cost of pursuing your dream - walking through the fire.  And when you stick to your guns and suffer through the necessary hazing of what your dreams require of you, it is such an accomplished, empowering feeling; you feel you have rightfully earned all you have.

I haven't weighed myself or taken progress photos since Week 5.  I will change that this evening.  I think its important to document all the phases of this journey -- because one day I WILL get to where I want to be, and I will want mementos to remind me of what I had to overcome. 

Week Five, 2014: Turning Corners

I re-read my blog post from 2012 when I made it to Week 5 the first time I took a stab a diet and exercise.  The post can be found here.  When this adventure was brand new to me in 2012, it took me 5 weeks to cut out coffee creamer, diet soda, and actually cook my own meal for the first time.   I also indicated that I hadn't noticed any physical changes, though I had so much energy (didn't need to take naps before my afternoon workouts) and my skin and hair looked shiny and smooth.

I am so proud that the groundwork I laid in 2012 has stuck with me through now.  I never did go back to coffee creamer (I drink my coffee black, if ever) or diet soda; I cook ALL my meals now; and I continue to have great energy levels.  I actually can't remember the last time I felt like I needed a nap?

Anyway, enough reminiscing... :)

Weekly Update:

The updates for week 5 are as follows:

1. My back bothered me for much of last week, likely because my muscles were fatigued and sore.  And they were fatigued and sore from my workouts of last weekend -- the hike and the run, in conjunction with my normal workouts last week, really did me in.  So I took a rest day on Friday and Sunday -- Sunday I literally did nothing but lay on the couch and watch the Olympics.   My back has thanked me a million times over, and I'm ready for my workouts this week!
2. I have continued to increase the pace of my runs and the intensity of my lifting -- back in 2012, I rarely increased my weights.  I was much more focused on completing my target of 4 sets of 12 reps.  This year, I am trying to do it the right way - continue to increase the weight so I can barely crank out 8 reps per set.  Last Thursday I did a 45lb barbell bicep curl, which is the heaviest I have ever done.  I did 4 sets of 8 reps and just about died on the last 2 reps of each set. I feel it in my biceps today.
3. I played volleyball on Saturday and it kicked my butt.  I really love that sport, but it's becoming abundantly clear to me that I much more prefer the safety and structure of gym training.  Whenever I get on the beach, I fear I'm going to do something to tweak my back.  I'm beginning to really question allowing volleyball in my life -- at least, at a competitive level.  I wore a heart rate monitor on Saturday.  It was actually for only 3 hours of game play (I forgot to turn it off for almost an hour afterwards.)  And this includes about 20 minutes of rest between games... beach volleyball is seriously serious.  (See photo below).

1820 cals in 3 hrs of volleyball & 51 mins of laying around

In other news, I've begun doing research on how I can honestly start putting on real muscle.  I understand now that I need to have a caloric surplus to grow, and that scares me.  I only have about 4 or 5 pounds more to go before I am sufficiently lean and ready to start amassing muscle.  I just wish I could burn fat AND gain muscle at the same time.  Is that not possible?  I dunno.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm down about 2 lbs from when I first started, which puts me right on track for loosing 1/2-lb a week, which was what my goal was, and I achieved it by taking in the caloric load that the online calculators suggested, which is nice.  I just fret about how to turn that corner -- it's something I have never, ever, EVER done.  I have NEVER willingly ate a caloric excess to gain muscle weight.  I don't know how to do it, I don't know what it will look or feel like.... getting into shape has only ever looked and felt like a moderate restriction and change of macro composition to limit carbs and unnecessary fats.  

Because I am beginning to notice changes in my body much sooner than I did back in 2012, I credit that to knowing what to do this time around, based off of what I learned to work in 2012.  Because of that, within the next month or 2 I should be in a position to take on a new project: learning how to grow muscle.

I feel fortunate in having a boyfriend who's been there and done that, but something about his indoctrination to Crossfit has me cautiously skeptical of certian tips or his, or fitness advice.  Regardless, we've discussed it and he's going to help me build a workout program once I've leaned out enough.  I really appreciate his gentle encouragement not to cheat.  As I've stated before, it's difficult sometimes because I'm trying to cut while he is trying to bulk, so I have to be mindful not to follow his eating patterns when we're together, and he has to be mindful not to influence me, either.

I cannot, positively CANNOT wait to get my leanness knocked out and start the journey to putting muscle mass on.  That has been something I've looked forward to now for many years, and I hope to figure it out and share my journey here for others who are in the same boat as me now.

What's In Store This Week?

This week, I plan on pursuing the following goals:

1. Stick to the same diet as last week - it worked well.  
2. No cheats for Valentine's day.  Last weekend I had a huge sushi feast on Saturday night, and not the best adherence to my macros on Sunday.  So I'm gonna be good on Friday :)
3. Continue to drink a minimum of 80 fl oz of water a day.
4. Increase my weekly run to 45 minutes at a 1.5% incline and 6.8 - 7.0 mph consistent pace.  2 Weeks ago I was going 45mins at 1.0% include and 6.0-6.2 mph.  Last week, I did 45 mins at 1.5% @ 6.5-6.8 mph.
5. Increase ALL my lifts by 5lbs-10lbs (depending on muscle group) with the exception of my barbel curls, which I just increased by 10lbs last week.
6. I want to try carb cycling - low carbs on my non-training day by cutting out my afternoon banana and replacing it with a protein shake.

I think those are manageable goals that keep me on track, for now :) Omg... I PROMISE TO POST PROGRESS PHOTOS!!  I just need to pick them out and edit them all together.  Stay tuned!

Week Four, 2014: Starting To See Results???

Let's not kid ourselves; I have a ways to go. But...could it be???

I know I said I would post progress photos by Week 4, but I'm just not there yet.  With that said, however, I am happy to announce that last Friday I looked in the mirror and for the first time so far, I was able to feel a difference! I can't see it... and my clothes still more or less fit the same, but I have a general sense of feeling stronger, and slightly "tighter". 

Strange things are going on with my body as it is; I was put on the wrong birth control last month which always messes me up (bloating, etc), but my cycle is due to start any day now, so I'm hoping once I clear this week and get back on my regular prescription next week, I might see a lot more progress than I already do. With that said, you know how the moniker goes...

4 weeks for me to notice; 8 weeks for my circle to notice, 12 weeks for outsiders to notice.  Maybe by this time next week, I actually will be in a position of experiencing something I haven't felt since the summer of 2012: The extreme joy of seeing hard work pay off.

But alas, I am in no hurry.  I was so desperate for outward results the last time I transformed my body.  But this time is more... spiritual.  It's the mental pleasure of knowing I am following through on a commitment.  It's waking up each morning remembering I stuck to my plan and did what I needed to do, pushed through and gave 110% in my workout, and had the soreness in my chest or calves to prove for it.  This time is different because I know this will work, I just need to give it time.  And there is something special to be said this time about waking up and starting my days.  It's like every day is a gift to me right now... every day I've been able to awaken and realize that I "just a normal day" before my back injury is a complete treasure to me now, to be able to get up and do whatever I want.  Such a sense of freedom and empowerment is never a bad way to begin a new day.

My Superbowl 10k rum time and caloric burn

In other news, my boyfriend was away with friends for most of last week through the weekend, which gave me the unique opportunity to have some time to myself.  And I realized just how much I cherish the shit out of my alone time.  I did a sunrise hike on Saturday followed by circuit weight training, ran a ton of errands, did my meal planning, scrubbed my balcony clean and organized my plants to prepare for a new garden, and got a solid night's sleep.  On Sunday I ran the local annual Super Bowl 10k -- and logged my fastest 10k time ever at 55:15, had a lovely lunch with my mom and sister, dropped by a Super Bowl party until half time, then went home and cooked myself a yummy dinner, did my nails, and went to bed early.

If it's anything I can say about the week that just passed, it's that relief has never felt so good.  My back has tolerated what I have been putting it through; I had a very successful physical therapy session on Friday last week, and treating myself out to weekly massages has helped keep my muscles limber.  I'm beginning to realize that investing in my body - whether that is through nutrition, rest, or prophylactic treatment - is worth its weight in gold. I "celebrated" my 1-year anniversary of injuring myself last Tuesday, and to be able to spend last week doing such a diverse array of activities such as training, running, and hiking on a whim has been just completely exhilarating.

I have modified my diet for this week to be composed of the following:

It doesn't quite hit my goal of 1,800 calories a day, but then again, I just haven't had the appetite to eat that much food yet.  Once my appetite increases, I'll match it with more food, but I seem to have reached a happy spot of calories in/calories out. My sugar intake is still on the high side, but I'll whittle it down in due time.

That is all, for now!