So, today is Friday the 13th, it's raining, and I just broke up with someone I cared deeply for.
Now, I'll be the first to admit I have suffered break-ups that were TERRIFICALLY worse than this one. With this one, it was just a case of us both caring about each other but wanting/needing different things. He is only 8 months out of a 5-year relationship with a girl he truly loved, and while their relationship failed miserably and was full of drama, it nonetheless weighs on him heavily. Not to mention she has learned of me and apparently has flipped out on him, calling him sobbing, saying she feels like her whole life with him has been replaced by me (which, I suppose, it has. But she was the one who broke up with him! What does she expect? Plus she's been in a new relationship for several months now! She's just got her panties in a twist because she's seeing he's finally moving on.) Anyway, it understandbly kills him to see her hurt.
And you know what? I'm going to go on a tangent here, but a lot of people have told me that him saying this as a reason for him being distant from me lately is complete bullshit, that he might as well be cheating on me. To those people, I ask you to each slap yourselves in the face and snap out of it. Have a heart. We have all experienced deep, all-encompasing love that doesn't work out in the end; the kind that consumes everything about us, but is too troubled and turbulent and never would have lasted. They will NEVER get back together. But it is completely illogical to expect that he won't live with a piece of her in his heart for the rest of his life. I know I certainly hold pieces of relationships with me! When you love someone that much and it doesn't work out, that pain never fully goes away. It's a lie if people tell you it does, just as it's unreasonable to expect people to never harbor pain and sorrow from past relationships. There is something about that bond that stays with you, remains a part of you, and haunts you for a very long time. It's a pain that never goes away; it's something you rather just learn to live with and move on carrying. Yes, time heals; yes, you can move on. But the memories will always be there, and it can take years to fully rebound.
It hurts him to see her hurt. It kills me inside to see himself sabotaging such a good thing with me for guilt of something that is in the past and dredging up useless demons to plague him in teh present. But as a human, I find it endearing. If I were in her shoes, I would like to know my former love was feeling this way; there is comfort in knowing you aren't alone in going thru the grief and healing process of divorcing yourself from someone who once held your whole heart in their hands.
I can be compassionate; in fact, I have to be. Otherwise, anger and sadness and bitterness will take over. But I have a lot of stress now because I don't feel like he understands that I need him to let me go entirely. His argument is that neither one of us is necessarily looking for anything - and it's true. Neither of us is in the market for marriage or children, so it's no real rush. So, he asks, why does it have to be all or nothing. Can't we keep it the way it is and just enjoy each other's company? And I had to tell him no; it's not enough. Because even though he says he cares for me, I care for him in a way that wants more. I want to feel loved and special and wanted and desired. I could do the casual thing so long as those feelings of endearment were shared. But they aren't - in his own self-confessed words, he loves spending his time with me, but can't deal with obligation, he wants to be able to do whatever he wants, when he wants - not in being with other women, but doing whatever activities he wants without feeling obligated to take someone else into consideration. And yea that really hurts, but it's honest and truthful and I've felt it before. So I can understand.
But all of this to say, I am not feeling happy right now. In fact, I am downright sad. I feel my life is in flux, I'm not sure what I'm going to lose in all of this, and I fear the change that I'll have to push myself thru. It is exhausting, and it is raining, and all I want to do is hunker down on my coach and drown myself in comfort foods and slip into a coma.
But, I will not.
I am going to channel this sorrow into something better. I am going to use it to motivate me to push harder. I will dwell on the idea of finding someone more better suited for me. I will dwell on possibly winning my ex back and looking more beautiful than ever when he has time to realize what he lost and how bad he messed up. He never did me wrong, so I would take him back. But if all else fails, I will do it because at least I know this one thing is true: hard, tireless work put toward a goal I want so badly, will never disappoint. I will never regret it. The tears shed in the heat of a battle are always the most cathartic, regardless of whether I am victorious or not. I will fight to prove that I don't need anyone's support but my own to achieve my goals.
I am looking at my diet journal right now for the day and it is so boring and unsatisfying-looking. Even still, as I choke down this protein shake for lunch, I remind myself that the sacrifices I am making in terms of food consumption are worth it for the other benefits I get to experience all day long. Once my liver converts this all into nothing more than glycogen and by-products, and that stuff feeds my cells and I no longer feel hunger, WHAT I ate really won't matter anymore. It might taste like shit, but the temporary satisfaction of tasting with my tongue vanishes rapidly once I have the rest of the day to regret the weakness of an unnecessary cheat meal.
Plus, here's the thing to think about food. We tend to use it as a reward because its pleasures are immediate and our brains are addicted to the feel-goodies produced by it. But it is possible to re-train your brain. It is possible to remind yourself that there is more than one way to treat yourself - shopping or doing a certain activity, or perhaps indulging in some quality quiet time (nap, anyone???) are great ways to treat yourself and derive the same kind of feel-goody feelings.
I'm going to kick my own ass in my workout later today, enjoy the catharsis of exhaustion, and think about what I want to do tonight.
And all to the tunes of two of my favorite songs right now:
Brittney Spears: Stronger
Kelly Clarkson: Stronger
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