Week Five, 2014: Turning Corners

I re-read my blog post from 2012 when I made it to Week 5 the first time I took a stab a diet and exercise.  The post can be found here.  When this adventure was brand new to me in 2012, it took me 5 weeks to cut out coffee creamer, diet soda, and actually cook my own meal for the first time.   I also indicated that I hadn't noticed any physical changes, though I had so much energy (didn't need to take naps before my afternoon workouts) and my skin and hair looked shiny and smooth.

I am so proud that the groundwork I laid in 2012 has stuck with me through now.  I never did go back to coffee creamer (I drink my coffee black, if ever) or diet soda; I cook ALL my meals now; and I continue to have great energy levels.  I actually can't remember the last time I felt like I needed a nap?

Anyway, enough reminiscing... :)

Weekly Update:

The updates for week 5 are as follows:

1. My back bothered me for much of last week, likely because my muscles were fatigued and sore.  And they were fatigued and sore from my workouts of last weekend -- the hike and the run, in conjunction with my normal workouts last week, really did me in.  So I took a rest day on Friday and Sunday -- Sunday I literally did nothing but lay on the couch and watch the Olympics.   My back has thanked me a million times over, and I'm ready for my workouts this week!
2. I have continued to increase the pace of my runs and the intensity of my lifting -- back in 2012, I rarely increased my weights.  I was much more focused on completing my target of 4 sets of 12 reps.  This year, I am trying to do it the right way - continue to increase the weight so I can barely crank out 8 reps per set.  Last Thursday I did a 45lb barbell bicep curl, which is the heaviest I have ever done.  I did 4 sets of 8 reps and just about died on the last 2 reps of each set. I feel it in my biceps today.
3. I played volleyball on Saturday and it kicked my butt.  I really love that sport, but it's becoming abundantly clear to me that I much more prefer the safety and structure of gym training.  Whenever I get on the beach, I fear I'm going to do something to tweak my back.  I'm beginning to really question allowing volleyball in my life -- at least, at a competitive level.  I wore a heart rate monitor on Saturday.  It was actually for only 3 hours of game play (I forgot to turn it off for almost an hour afterwards.)  And this includes about 20 minutes of rest between games... beach volleyball is seriously serious.  (See photo below).

1820 cals in 3 hrs of volleyball & 51 mins of laying around

In other news, I've begun doing research on how I can honestly start putting on real muscle.  I understand now that I need to have a caloric surplus to grow, and that scares me.  I only have about 4 or 5 pounds more to go before I am sufficiently lean and ready to start amassing muscle.  I just wish I could burn fat AND gain muscle at the same time.  Is that not possible?  I dunno.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm down about 2 lbs from when I first started, which puts me right on track for loosing 1/2-lb a week, which was what my goal was, and I achieved it by taking in the caloric load that the online calculators suggested, which is nice.  I just fret about how to turn that corner -- it's something I have never, ever, EVER done.  I have NEVER willingly ate a caloric excess to gain muscle weight.  I don't know how to do it, I don't know what it will look or feel like.... getting into shape has only ever looked and felt like a moderate restriction and change of macro composition to limit carbs and unnecessary fats.  

Because I am beginning to notice changes in my body much sooner than I did back in 2012, I credit that to knowing what to do this time around, based off of what I learned to work in 2012.  Because of that, within the next month or 2 I should be in a position to take on a new project: learning how to grow muscle.

I feel fortunate in having a boyfriend who's been there and done that, but something about his indoctrination to Crossfit has me cautiously skeptical of certian tips or his, or fitness advice.  Regardless, we've discussed it and he's going to help me build a workout program once I've leaned out enough.  I really appreciate his gentle encouragement not to cheat.  As I've stated before, it's difficult sometimes because I'm trying to cut while he is trying to bulk, so I have to be mindful not to follow his eating patterns when we're together, and he has to be mindful not to influence me, either.

I cannot, positively CANNOT wait to get my leanness knocked out and start the journey to putting muscle mass on.  That has been something I've looked forward to now for many years, and I hope to figure it out and share my journey here for others who are in the same boat as me now.

What's In Store This Week?

This week, I plan on pursuing the following goals:

1. Stick to the same diet as last week - it worked well.  
2. No cheats for Valentine's day.  Last weekend I had a huge sushi feast on Saturday night, and not the best adherence to my macros on Sunday.  So I'm gonna be good on Friday :)
3. Continue to drink a minimum of 80 fl oz of water a day.
4. Increase my weekly run to 45 minutes at a 1.5% incline and 6.8 - 7.0 mph consistent pace.  2 Weeks ago I was going 45mins at 1.0% include and 6.0-6.2 mph.  Last week, I did 45 mins at 1.5% @ 6.5-6.8 mph.
5. Increase ALL my lifts by 5lbs-10lbs (depending on muscle group) with the exception of my barbel curls, which I just increased by 10lbs last week.
6. I want to try carb cycling - low carbs on my non-training day by cutting out my afternoon banana and replacing it with a protein shake.

I think those are manageable goals that keep me on track, for now :) Omg... I PROMISE TO POST PROGRESS PHOTOS!!  I just need to pick them out and edit them all together.  Stay tuned!

Week Four, 2014: Starting To See Results???

Let's not kid ourselves; I have a ways to go. But...could it be???

I know I said I would post progress photos by Week 4, but I'm just not there yet.  With that said, however, I am happy to announce that last Friday I looked in the mirror and for the first time so far, I was able to feel a difference! I can't see it... and my clothes still more or less fit the same, but I have a general sense of feeling stronger, and slightly "tighter". 

Strange things are going on with my body as it is; I was put on the wrong birth control last month which always messes me up (bloating, etc), but my cycle is due to start any day now, so I'm hoping once I clear this week and get back on my regular prescription next week, I might see a lot more progress than I already do. With that said, you know how the moniker goes...

4 weeks for me to notice; 8 weeks for my circle to notice, 12 weeks for outsiders to notice.  Maybe by this time next week, I actually will be in a position of experiencing something I haven't felt since the summer of 2012: The extreme joy of seeing hard work pay off.

But alas, I am in no hurry.  I was so desperate for outward results the last time I transformed my body.  But this time is more... spiritual.  It's the mental pleasure of knowing I am following through on a commitment.  It's waking up each morning remembering I stuck to my plan and did what I needed to do, pushed through and gave 110% in my workout, and had the soreness in my chest or calves to prove for it.  This time is different because I know this will work, I just need to give it time.  And there is something special to be said this time about waking up and starting my days.  It's like every day is a gift to me right now... every day I've been able to awaken and realize that I "just a normal day" before my back injury is a complete treasure to me now, to be able to get up and do whatever I want.  Such a sense of freedom and empowerment is never a bad way to begin a new day.

My Superbowl 10k rum time and caloric burn

In other news, my boyfriend was away with friends for most of last week through the weekend, which gave me the unique opportunity to have some time to myself.  And I realized just how much I cherish the shit out of my alone time.  I did a sunrise hike on Saturday followed by circuit weight training, ran a ton of errands, did my meal planning, scrubbed my balcony clean and organized my plants to prepare for a new garden, and got a solid night's sleep.  On Sunday I ran the local annual Super Bowl 10k -- and logged my fastest 10k time ever at 55:15, had a lovely lunch with my mom and sister, dropped by a Super Bowl party until half time, then went home and cooked myself a yummy dinner, did my nails, and went to bed early.

If it's anything I can say about the week that just passed, it's that relief has never felt so good.  My back has tolerated what I have been putting it through; I had a very successful physical therapy session on Friday last week, and treating myself out to weekly massages has helped keep my muscles limber.  I'm beginning to realize that investing in my body - whether that is through nutrition, rest, or prophylactic treatment - is worth its weight in gold. I "celebrated" my 1-year anniversary of injuring myself last Tuesday, and to be able to spend last week doing such a diverse array of activities such as training, running, and hiking on a whim has been just completely exhilarating.

I have modified my diet for this week to be composed of the following:

It doesn't quite hit my goal of 1,800 calories a day, but then again, I just haven't had the appetite to eat that much food yet.  Once my appetite increases, I'll match it with more food, but I seem to have reached a happy spot of calories in/calories out. My sugar intake is still on the high side, but I'll whittle it down in due time.

That is all, for now!

Experiment Results Are In: Are Heart Rate Monitors a Good Judge of Caloric Needs?

Results of my experiment are in! Do online calorie counters really provide a reliable estimate of how many calories I should be eating in a day to reach my goal?

The short answer is YES! But the caveat is that they are only useful if you have an honest and accurate assessment of what your activity level is.

Background of my Experiment

It's been 3 weeks since I re-started my training & diet program.  I wanted to reassess what my daily caloric burn was so I could develop an effective meal plan.  Calories In, Calories Out is really the most important factor here, with composition of the calories being the 2nd most important factor.  So how many calories should I be eating to maintain my weight, so I know how many calories to aim for in order to cut my body fat % back?

Step 1: Testing Out the Online Calculators

I plugged my biological stats (Female/30 years old/5'8"/142 lbs) into a variety of mathematical formulas and online calculators and chose an Activity Factor somewhere between "moderately active" and "very active" because, while I workout hard 5-6 days a week, I also have a desk job.  These formulas all produced the following results: 

1. FreeDieting.com says I should consume 2,068 calories to maintain my weight (at an activity level of working out "5x/week") 
2. Mayo Clinic says I should consume 2,100 calories to maintain my weight (at an "Active" activity level)
3. Calorie.Net says I should consume 2,190 calories to maintain my weight (at a "Moderately Active" activity level).  It also calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate ("BMR") - the number of calories I would need to consume to maintain if I were to lie in bed and do nothing ALL DAY - at 1,413 calories.
4. Active.com says I should consume 2,500 calories to maintain my weight (at an "Active" activity level) - and 2,227 calories at a "Low Active" level.
5. CaloriesPerHour.com gave me an RMR of 1,413 and a BMR of 1,450. These are both resting metabolic rates (the number of calories I would need to maintain if I did nothing but lie in bed all day).  They then displayed a variety of Activity Factors to determine how many calories I would need to eat given how active I was throughout the day.  I like this formula the best, because I was able to take an average of Moderately Active (1.55) and Very Active (1.725) and come up with a blended activity level I feel matches my desk job + intense after-work exercise routine.  I multiplied an average of my BMR and RMR (1,432 calories) by an average of Moderately and Very Active (1.64) to come up with a maintenance calorie intake suggestion of  2,345 calories.

I really have no idea how "active" I should have classified myself, but it appears as though to maintain my weight, I should be eating anywhere between 2,100 and 2,300 calories.  

But is this true? My goal is to shed about 3% body fat before I start a muscle building phase.  In order to lose this weight ("cut"), I would want to reduce my diet by 500 calories to create a gentle deficit.  But 500 calories off of 2,300 versus 2,100 yields a dramatic difference - either I'd be eating too many calories to make a progressive difference, or I would be eating too few given my athletic demands.  Neither situation is ideal.

Step 2: Testing Out the Heart Rate Monitor

So, I plugged my stats into my Polar FT4 heart rate monitor and wore it for 24 hours yesterday to put those estimates to the test.  I did a typical workout so as not to skew the results.  Sure enough, after 24 hours, I had burned a total of 2,423 calories.

Conclusion

I'm gonna give a thumbs up to the online calculators, because given the pretty limited information they asked for, their estimates were not grotesquely off target.  The problem is more with the user being able to adequately identify what their activity level is.  Had I stuck with my original estimates and elected to subtract 500 calories from a 2,100 calorie diet, I would be in a deficit of almost 800 calories based on my real burn.  And this was just the results of a day with a steady workout - no crazy circuits, no HIIT training.

With all of this in mind, I feel a LOT better about my idea of how much I should be eating in a day to reach my goals.  Now the challenge is to create a menu that includes a diverse variety of real foods to meet these goals.  I've been trying to stick to the below plan, but the strangest problem is that I am just not hungry enough to eat it all.  What's a girl to do??

I know I lack a diversity of vegetables in there, but my IBS prevents me from eating anything more exciting than zucchini, spinach, iceberg lettuce and the occasional serving of peas.  Carrots, celery, bell peppers, broccoli/kale/brussels sprouts, asparagus.... I could go on and on about the veggies my tummy can't handle.  But anywho, I digress!

Week Three, 2014: The Good and The Bad

Today begins my 3rd week of diet & training.

The exercise front has been SOLID.  I've stuck to my game plan, and things have gone swimmingly.  I had intended to play volleyball this weekend but a set of unfortunate circumstances kept me from playing.  So on Saturday, I cruised to the gym and did the following workout, and it was great! Left me exhausted, a little sore, and a LOT hungry :D

1) 45-lb dumbbell curls (4 sets of 8-10 reps). During rest, I did a 45-minute plank between each set

2) 7.5-lb free weight shoulder flys (4 sets of 8 reps). In between sets I did a 10 reps of tricep dips on the bench.

3) 15-lb Single arm tricep extensions (4 sets of 10 reps). While one arm was resting, I did the other arm.

4) 40-lb shoulder press (4 sets of 8 reps). In between sets, I did 5 box jumps.

5) HIIT on the elliptical. Level 10 cross ramp, 30 seconds at a level 10 resistance, 30 seconds of sprinting at level 15 resistance. Repeated for 20 minutes with a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down after.

Yesterday I allowed to be a rest day.  I told myself that I would be generous in allowing my body to heal to avoid wrecking it again, so I had no guilt or qualms about it.

Diet has been a different story. I have felt awfully heavy and bloated the past couple weeks which has been a big blow to my motivation considering as how I feel heavier now than I did when I started 3 weeks ago.  I think it's mostly water weight gain from my birth control (my doc prescribed me the wrong kind, it always messes me up!), but still -- on Sunday afternoon, I was driving home and realized that diet is the only thing between me and my goals.  I write-up meal plans but I find myself improvising FAR too often, especially on the weekends.  It's like being on a budget, but still using the credit card when I run out of cash.

The good thing and bad thing about my journey this time is that I am in a serious relationship.  The good thing is that he is a Crossfitter and former physique builder himself, who understands every component of what is required to lean out and then build up.  He is a great cook, very supportive, and we've decided to do this together -- he's going to get back into true competition shape alongside me.  The bad thing is that we are complete opposites.  He is a very lean guy who maintains a constant state of lean muscle despite having taken the past 4 months off of working out because of work travel demands and the holidays.  I, on the other hand, find it unjustly difficult to shed body fat, even when rigorously following a diet protocol.  We have different dietary needs, and considering as how I really like him and want to make him happy and impress him, the meals I cook tend to suit his need to bulk instead of my need to cut.  Case in point? Dinner last night:

While this looks healthy, it was entirely too much food.  I didn't finish it, But the baked potato should have been halved (and it should have been a sweet potato) and plain, not with sour cream on it.  Veggies were delicious but I admittedly was a little over zealous with the use of coconut oil to saute the mushrooms and broccolini.  The thing that kills me is that I could have easily just steamed my veggies and sauteed his, but alas, I chose not to.

I thought that diet would be the easiest part of this 2nd stab at my fitness journey because I was so successful with it in 2012.  Then again, it took me about 6 weeks to really figure it all out.  Suffice it to say, my grace period expired the second I woke up this morning.  I need to stick to my meal plan, have it well-thought out, use Sunday to prep meals (my boyfriend is gonna do it, too!), and not deviate except for my every-other-week cheat meal.

In better news, I bought a new heart rate monitor!  I replaced my Polar FT4 with a new one of the same model.  I'm going to wear it to gauge my workout tonight, then I'm going to put it on at bed time and not take it off for 24-hours.  Gonna see what the approximate caloric burn will be for me.  Traditional RMR calculators suggest I burn 1,426 calories a day at rest.  That is about 59 calories an hour.  When I multiply this by a factor of  1.62 (which is between "Moderately Active" and "Very Active", considering as I workout 4 days a week at the gym and then play pretty competitive volleyball consistently on the weekends), it suggests I burn 2,310 calories in total in a day, with exercise included.  If my experiment succeeds, my heart rate monitor will indicate this many calories after 24 hours.  Based on that number, I will subtract 500 calories to create a gentle deficit, and will build a final meal plan around that number.  I don't expect my diet to deviate much from 1700-1800 calories.

I know talking about calories drives people mad because often times we over think things and replace common sense with obsessive mania.  But the truth is, diet is a necessity in obtaining results.  And I inherently know I am doing my diet wrong.  And I am the type that needs black-and-white guidelines.  Just tell me what to do or not do, and I will get it done.

At the end of week 4, I plan on posting my first series of progress photos and stats.  Stay tuned!

Week Two, 2014: Those Tough Decisions

We're at the beginning of Week 2 of my 2014 Road to Results tour.  Last week was a really good start.  I stuck to my small goals (drinking three to four 20-oz glasses of water, cutting out all the crappy snack foods I was eating and replacing them with fruit, and adhering to a prescribed workout routine).  I stuck to my plan, and my back feels great!

But, I recognize that diet really needs to come under the microscope.  I am just "guesstimating" my intake, and while I said I would give myself till February 1 to continue to eat breakfast cereal, I struggle with portion controlling it.  Never ever ever ever EVER trust your eyeballs when it comes to something that is a dietary weakness for you.  Eyeballs are little liars! :P

So, this week, it's time to start making the first of many tough decisions -- reeling in my diet whether I'm ready to or not.  I know that after the first few days, the mental anguish will be replaced with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and a feeling like I am making real moves toward achieving my goals.  Still, it's gonna suck.

I need to either find a way to fix my heart rate monitor or else replace it altogether so I can get a sense of how many calories I am actually burning in a day.  The meal plan I begin to build is really only useful if I am indeed burning the amount of calories I think I am.  For now, I used an online calculator (this is a great calculator: http://vonblancofitness.com/fat-loss/how-to-calculate-calories-needed-for-fat-loss-muscle-gain-or-maintenance/).  My inputs were:

Height: 5'8"
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Current Weight: 142
How much exercise? 5 times/week (intense)

According to this, I need about 2,100 calories to maintain my weight, 1,750 to cut (lose body fat), and 2,600 calories to bulk (gain muscle).  The next 3 months I am dedicating to "gentle" cutting; nothing extreme, but slowly changing the types of food I eat to alter my macronutrient distribution.  For the first two month, I think a healthy plan would be 45% calories from carbs, 33% calories from protein, and 22% calories from fat.  For the third month, I'd go down to a 40-35-25 spread.  Although my body responds most favorably to a low carbohydrate diet, I don't want to do something dramatic and unsustainable in the first couple months because it sort of puts me in a mentally unhealthy spot -- and I'm in this for the long haul.

Week 2 will carry over Week 1's goals (water, no junky snack foods, and the same workout plan).  I will also cut out all coffee and diet soda, and will follow the meal plan below, based on the caloric intake of 1,750 calories as my goal, broken into 788 calories worth of carbs, 577 calories worth of protein and 385 calories worth of healthy fats. Knowing that each gram of carbs and protein equals 4 calories, and each gram of fats equals 9 calories, that would be 197 grams of carbs, 144 grams of protein, and 43 grams of fat.

Disclaimer:  Food Nazi's -- I am aware that this diet is not 100% clean.  I will be making my own homemade lunches starting next week, and will eventually be cutting out dairy.  But those transitions will come in the following weeks. I wanna use up the stuff in my pantry now instead of spend money making new stuff.  

Those extra 85 calories will easily be made up throughout the day, no doubt, when I grab a couple almonds here and there, or beef jerky at the office, etc. :)

In terms of how I'm feeling.... I feel like I lack the sense of urgency I felt the first time I did this journey back in 2012.  Maybe it's because I already know what I need to do... I'm just generally not feeling confident in my diet plan.  I never know if I'm eating too much... too little... I'm feeling like I should just hire a sports nutritionist and be done with it already.


Anyway, those are just my thoughts.  Week 2... over and out!

Week One, 2014: Everything is Different

I took Week 1 progress photos today; definitely not gonna show those here for a month or so.  Things do not look pretty!

What can I say about Week 1 so far?  Everything is different from the last time I began the journey of clean eating and training in 2012.  Last time, I jumped in head first; I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew it was gonna suck (at least in the beginning), and my thought process was that if I was going to suffer, I was going to do everything in my power to milk as many results as I possibly could out of it.  I obsessed over diet, I would do 2 hours of cardio a night (and about 15 minutes of weights on a good day...), I would work out sometimes 3 times a day....  It took me months to get it straight.  But those first weeks were exhilarating, because it was the first time I felt myself moving mountains and it excited me.

This time around, things are different.  Instead of diving in head first, I've had to enter the shallow end of the pool.  I'm easing myself into the routine and the lifestyle.  I'm setting small goals, and I'm setting deadlines too.  Goals for last week were simply to drink three 20-oz glasses of water a day, cut out my afternoon chocolate fix and follow a prescribed workout pattern.  Goals this week are the same as last week, plus adjustments to my diet -- nothing too crazy, just having egg whites and spinach for dinner each night, cutting out the crap snacks I was sneaking in and replacing them with fresh fruit, and measuring portions.  Little challenges that turn to little victories and get me feeling like I am able to undertake this monster of a journey again.

Another difference is the excitement of it all.  I have moments where I am so excited and willing to do whatever it takes in order to have those feelings again like I did 4 or 5 months into my 2012 regime where I'd wake up and want to cry, I was just that happy.  Every morning I'd get dressed in front of the mirror and marvel at the results, and I felt so accomplished and empowered and beautiful and it was the best thing, a way I never felt before.  I hunger for that feeling everyday.  But today at the gym, I felt weary.  I knew how long it would take in order to start even seeing results -- in 2012, it wasn't until Week 11 that I really began to see any changes.  11 weeks! that's almost 3 months! Here I was only 2 official days into my routine.  I'm willing to go the distance, I just know I will have to draw on faith and courage and inner belief in myself to get me through the beginning days when it feels like so much work is going in, and nothing is coming out.  Patience has never been my strong suit, and sometimes, it completely wears me out.

I also fear about my back, and have to be mindful to set limits and actually respect them.  I worry how my body will feel on Day 4; It's only day 2 and already my chest and glutes are so sore I can barely move! I normally would have celebrated this, but this time, it is cause for concern.  Will this cause my body to lock up? Will my spine start to pop again?  Will the pinched nerves returns?

So much is on the line, but I know one thing for certain:  It is time.  NOW is my time.  If I can continue to set small goals on the diet side, and observe the rules I set for myself on the training side, I should be able to whittle my body fat down to at least 17-18% by summer.  It won't be my best, but it will be enough for me, for now, given my new reality.

I've decided that come the first week of February, I will fully replace cold cereal for oatmeal in the morning, and I will cease the use of dairy. Next week I will incorporate Quest bars into my diet and do away with the Promax bars which have artificial ingredients.  Slowly cleaning up my diet over the course of the next 2 months will serve me my greatest advantage, but easing into it will remain a priority to me.

As far as my training is concerned, this week I will be following this routine:
Monday: 
Back and Chest Day
Bench Press & One-armed Rows
Lat Pull-downs
Chest Fly and Posterior Delt Fly
Seated Row & Planks
Cardio
45 minutes on the elliptical

Tuesday:
Legs Day
Prone Hamstring Curl
Glute Machine
Seated Hamstring Curl and Planks
Calf Raises
Incline Leg Press
Cardio
4 mile run

Wednesday:
Biceps, Triceps and Shoulders Day
Bicep Curls
Shoulder Flys
Tricep Extension
Shoulder Press
Dips and Planks
Cardio
45 minutes on the elliptical

Thursday:
Legs day
Prone Hamstring Curl
Glute Machine
Deadlifts
Glute Extensions and Planks
Glute Bridges and Side Planks
Cardio
45 minutes walking on the treadmill at 10% incline

Friday:  Day-off
Saturday:  Volleyball
Sunday:   Yoga and Rest

I've got to gauge and see if my back can handle this much; I might need to shuffle the days around and take Wednesday as my gym day off, bu I'll make that judgement call tomorrow at work.

So, for this week, I am signing off.  My only thoughts are that I feel scared that my back may sabotage me... and I fear that fear will keep me from believing that if caution is exercised, all will be fine.  So I'm just going to focus on day-to-day, minute-to-minute decisions.  Small goals, resting when I feel I need it, and not beating myself up if I need extra rest days to recover.  This will be a slower journey than 2012, but I'm prepared to put the Tortoise and the Hare theory to the test.
As for diet, I don't expect to be fully clean and on a completely programmed diet until Week 3 or 4

Rebirth

I've spent some time today thinking about what it is about New Years that makes the so-called "resolution" so particularly potent, as if adding one digit to the calendar year has the ability to wash us clean of our sins.  It seems as if New Years is the only time we truly allow ourselves forgiveness; absolution from bad habits, transgressions, messy splurges or anything else weighing us down and pinning us to the floor.  

Forgiveness is sometimes the most important part of a journey.  Whether we feel we are the victim or the culprit, it doesn't matter; we all have chains that hold us down, and we all need to be released before we can move on.

So it is to that end that I sit here now.  January 2014, and reflecting on the past two years and such a varying degree of high highs and low lows.  A week ago, while on the elliptical, a wave came over me and I realized that it was a new year, and I was ready to forgive life for having dealt me such a sour blow last year.  And I'm ready to forgive myself for giving up on myself.  All in one moment, I realized the power of the New Years Resolution; where for some they may be nothing more than whimsical hopes to soon be abandoned, for others there is a force in the NYR that can't just be made up.  There is a power in forgiveness that is so strong and so liberating that the euphoria provides a source of energy that cannot help but thrust you into a new phase of life.  

In January of 2012, I experienced my first such NYR moment.  I had always been into fitness but I did it all wrong, I ate all wrong, and I was sick of the body I had.  So I decided to fold all my excuses up and lock them in a trunk.  I undertook the most incredible task of my life; rethinking the way I live, the way I eat, the way I train, and the way I feel about myself.  The results were greater than anything I've ever achieved in my life, and the feeling of having a lean, toned body capable of any feat I put it to has been like a drug I haven't been able to stop thinking about.  Remember the random half marathon I ran in the deep sand at the beach on Thanksgiving of 2012!?  What an unbelievable feeling to be unstoppable.  The feeling of owning who I was, being proud of everything I was.... it's something I long for in a way I cannot humanly describe.  Every time I achieved one goal, I had two more to replace it.  Setting my mind to things I once thought were impossible was no longer a laughable matter to me, but something that stoked a fire somewhere deep within that never seemed to burn out.

In January of 2013, I suffered a horrific back injury.  I went through ever phase of grief, some of which took months to exit.  I saw all my dreams die.  I watched every part of the death of my dreams; I watched them lugged out to a field, I watched them slowly loaded onto a pyre, and finally in September or so, I lit the match and burned them myself.  All the hard work I put into my physique slowly faded away.  I lost my sense of self; I realized I didn't know who I was without fitness, what I wanted in life without fitness, where I fit in without my training discipline, work ethic and physical evidence of such to show for it.  I fought for almost 9 months to maintain my way of life and my physique as best I could despite my limitations.  Having to give up my passion, volleyball; Bed rest for a month; only being allowed to walk for 9 months.  It wore down my psychology, and that deep bloodlust to take back what was taken from me started to give way to impatience and an overwhelming mental exhaustion of wanting something so bad for so long, with no light at the end of the tunnel near to tell me I could start fighting for it again.

Finally, in September, I met someone, and somewhere between him and the holidays, I found the peace to let go of my dreams and what I wanted so badly to achieve.  I gave in to my new reality and tried to find a place for myself in the mediocre limbo of semi-consciousness and routine adult life.  I tried.

But my back began to get stronger, and I started having the sensation that I was healing enough to entertain the thought about starting the fight back up again.  So last week, on that elliptical, having that sudden surge of hope and belief flood my veins.... it was like magic.  It was then that I decided I wasn't ready to give up yet; I'd have to start all over from the beginning, and I would have to re-tool all my workouts and programs to ensure that I was gentle enough on my back so as not to re-injure it, but.... there was hope!

So here is sit.  I have the exact physique I used to have before January 2012 when I set out on my fitness journey the first time.  Same physique, same bad eating habits, and same fire lit inside to experience the joys all over again of putting my mind and heart to a task and seeing it through to the end.  So I'm going to document it all here, all over again, right from the start.  This is my first entry.  Sure it's a random Wednesday.  It isn't New Years Day; it isn't even the first day of a new week.  But I'm starting now.

My plan for the rest of the week is to follow these steps:

1) Train legs tomorrow, back and chest on Friday, and play volleyball on Saturday and Sunday.

2) Drink a minimum of three 20-oz glasses of water - one in the morning, noon and night.  I'll work my way up to 100-fl oz in due time.

3) Cut out the noon-time chocolate fix I've been giving into.  I'm replacing my immediate sweets cravings with fresh fruit.  Eventually I will phase out fruit for veggies like carrots and peas, but I need a couple weeks to ease into this regime.  

Next week, my diet will set into place.  Giving up cereal right off the bat will be difficult for me, so I've settled on the following:

Breakfast:  2 cups unsweetened bran flakes with 1 cup fat free milk

Snack:  Cup of green tea with a handful of raw spinach, handful of blackberries and a handful of almonds

Lunch:  Homemade chicken, barley and veggie soup (I'm on a big soup kick!) and a little avocado on the side

Snack 1:Low-sugar yogurt and roasted seaweed snack

Snack 2 (Pre-workout): Banana and 2 tbsp Peanut Butter

Dinner: Protein shake and a 3 egg omlete (2 egg whites, 1 yolk) with a little feta cheese, 2 cups of spinach, and a few green olives

This all comes to about 1700 calories.  As I increase the intensity of my workouts, I'll adjust the my macros accordingly.  I think 1,700 is a good place to start. 

I'm taking progress photos every Monday morning, and I'll do measurements every 4 weeks.  So.... here we go! I already feel myself going through a sweets withdrawal right now.  I know that waking up tomorrow morning knowing I didn't cave in, though, is SO much sweeter than a temporary dessert :) 

Progress Report: Week Three -- Workouts, Meal Plans, Progress Photo?

Well, it's not quite 3 weeks, but it's close enough :)

Yesterday marked the start of my 18th week since hurting my back - nearly 4 and a half months.  It feels like it's been an absolute eternity, but when I think about it, if I can recover in 6 - 8 months, that would be pretty reasonable.  

I continue to get stronger and am able to push myself harder in my workouts.  But right now, I only have two different weights routines in rotation, which I alternate every other day:

Routine 1:  Back and Chest

• Seated Row:  4 sets of 10 reps -- 80lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Lat pulldown:  4 sets of 8 reps -- 70lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Bench Press:  4 sets of 8 reps, 30lbs (plus 45-lb bar)
• One arm row: 4 sets (2 on each side) of 10 reps, 27.5-lb dumbbells
• Chest fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 60 lbs.
• Posterior delt fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 40 lbs

Routine 2:  Lower Body + Shoulders and Triceps

• Seated hamstring curls: 4 sets of 10 reps, 90 lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Skull crushers: 4 sets of 8 reps, 45-lb barbell
• Prone hamstring curls:  4 sets of 10 reps, 60 lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Shoulder press:  4 sets of 8-10 reps, 30-40lbs
• Tricep extensions:  4 sets of 8 reps, 45 lbs

I do these weights routines on my lunch break, and round it off with a sprint around the block where my office is (0.7 miles) - which I will be increasing to a block and a half for a full mile.  Before work, I walk on the treadmil for 30-45 mins at 3.4 MPH at a 7.0% incline, and then do specific calisthenics designed for my rehab program, including back hyperextensions, glute bridges and stationary lunges.  After work, I do hill repeats: 5 - 6 sets of speed walking up an incredible mountain-grade incline for 6 minutes, then walking down for 6 minutes.  All of these are designed to continue to build up the posterior of my body to help balance things out and bring my pelvis back into a natural alignment.  Picture to the right is one I took at dusk after an ass-kicking on the mountain doing hill repeats.  It's always worth it. 

It is a bit cardio-heavy, but I've been wearing my heart rate monitor and more or less the sum of all of these workouts equals the caloric burn I was achieving pre-injury, with all of it being gentle enough for my body to handle as it heals.  I do have to take 2 solid gym days off a week (I used to only take 1 off), but I think that plays an important role not only just in helping my back heal.  Here's the number of steps I take in a typical day on this routine!

My current diet stands as follows:

1. Pre-AM Workout Meal:

Medium banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter (strictly measured) and 20 fl. oz. water

2.  Post-AM Workout ("Breakfast")

Protein Shake -- I have been doing an audit of protein powders on the market to see if I could find something as healthy as Shakeology, that I enjoy equally, but that doesn't crush my bank account.  I've settled on Tera's Whey, which - when mixed with boiled milk, makes the most epic healthy hot chocolate!

3.  Mid-Morning Snack

Lydia's Organic raw/vegan/gluten-free sprouted grain bar.  Only 2g of sugar, nothing--absolutely NOTHING fake -- delicious!

4.  Lunch

My latest obsessions:  a 4% extra lean ground beef patty in 1/2 a whole wheat pita with lettuce, tomato, pickles, avocado, ketchup and mustard, with a cup of baby carrots.

5.  Mid-Afternoon Snack

I naturally have a blood sugar dip in the afternoon.  I've tried front loading my carbs, back loading my carbs, and spreading them out throughout the day, and it never fails -- come 2pm, I want something sweet.  Cue the dairy! By this time last year, I was completely free of dairy.  It was an experiment which I grew accustomed to.  But now, I feel variety is important.  And since dairy has protein and some sugar, it really hits that mid-afternoon hole in my regimen. I chose a nonfat Greek yogurt, a low fat string cheese and some mixed nuts to add a little more protein and healthy fat to the snack to round it out.  Add a cup of plain black tea:  perfection :)

6.  Pre-PM Workout Meal

Can't workout on an empty stomach! Come 5:30p, even if I'm not hungry, I eat anyway because it's the only way I'll make it through my hill repeats.  Simple:  1/2 cup of jumbo blueberries, the egg whites of 2 jumbo hard boiled eggs, and 1/2 a dark chocolate mocha NuGo bar.  Also vegan, gluten-free, all-natural AND DELICIOUS.  Oiy!

7.  Dinner

My newest go-to meal:  1 lb. of cubed boneless skinless chicken breast simmered in a jar of Trader Joe's Curry Simmer Sauce with chickpeas and steamed broccoli - makes 4 servings.

All of these meals equate to about 1850 calories with a macro distribution of around 30% fat, 37% carbs, and 33% protein.

I will confess, I haven't weighed myself, taken measurements, or tracked my progress.  I do know my clothes are fitting better though, and I've been taking weekly progress photos which I will be posting in a couple weeks.  I did the same thing last time -- didn't start tracking my stats until I was about a month in… and didn't start taking progress photos until 2 months in. Here's one photo I'm proud of though -- I've been kicking my booty in my workouts in time to wear this dress for the summer.  I'm almost there!

So, there you have it.  I need to continue to stick with my meal plans, be smart about my workouts, continue to get quality rest for my back, and I could be back in the game in only a few months :)  Woo-hoo!

Progress Report: Week One

From my last experience with starting a diet and training program, the first 2 weeks are rough; the first 2 DAYS are the hardest.

Today marks day 2 of being healthy enough to start pushing myself again.  Yesterday I recall getting to that 1 o'clock hour in the afternoon thinking, "Oh god. How am I going to actually make it through this day without chocolate?"

Now, granted, hormones are not on my side right now; I chose a bad time of the month to reboot my journey.  But it is what it is, and I wanted to record my precise thoughts and feelings which I wrote in a pocket diary throughout the day, to get a real-time look at the ups and downs of coming off of sugar.

Day 1:  Common Themes

• 9:45am (This is a real-life, not even kidding statement I said to a co-worker before realizing how outrageous I actually sounded) "All I want right now is to eat a mountain of chocolate and lose 10 lbs.  Why is the universe so unfair!??"
• [Queue hormonal outburst theatrics]
• 11:00am -- I am feeling pretty good.  Breakfast and mid-morning snack have squared me away, I feel like I have a good amount of energy
• 12:00pm - lunch, and then went to lift weights
• 1:15pm -- Major energy slump.  Ate a plain Greek yogurt with a couple sliced up strawberries and it did nothing for me.
• 3:00pm -- So tired, I am falling asleep at my desk.  Have a desperate craving for a sugary treat, although I don't know if it's my body wanting an instant sugar kick, or my mind wanting something psychologically satisfying to help me get through the next 2.5 hours of my workday.
• 4:30pm -- leaving work early.  Need to do cardio, and I'm so tired that I feel nauseous.  I am debating with myself, trying to rationalize and justify a gym day off, but I know it will only make working out tomorrow that much worse because the fatigue, blood sugar issues and mood swings will still be there.
• 6:15pm -- CARDIO! RAWR! I did it, I feel great, but I am staaaarving!
• 8:00pm -- Uninspired by my dinners I had planned this week - an egg white scramble and steamed zucchini.  I want cheap sugar -- snacks.  Cookies.  But I know they won't bring me satisfaction.  I have half a protein bar, some left over boiled chicken and kidney beans, and I did eat a small whole mango that was about to go bad.  I justified that it was wasteful not to eat it, but I do regret it since I wasn't hungry.  I should have cut it up and frozen it. 
• 9:30pm -- Asleep.

All in all, not too bad, although there is just something insanely sucky about feeling SO miserable, and on the one hand you try to convince yourself that it is all for the best, you start envisioning your body in a few months.... and then you undress in front of the mirror and see that muffin top and realize you look as shitty as you feel :/  But I also distinctly remember reflecting on these times as the best, because they are the most gratifying -- being at your worst and STILL pushing through.  This is the stuff that character is made of.

 Day 2:  Common Themes

• 6:00am -- woke up a half hour earlier to give myself more gym time.  My back feels good.  I'm ready to make this a stellar day!
• 6:45am -- at the gym.  Feel sleepy, yawning a lot, but going to make it through this workout.  Carpe diem!  My AM routine consists of 30-45 minutes of incline treadmill walking, and then a lot of stretches and exercises for my back
• 10:15am -- First sugar pangs hit.  I've been having a protein shake before my first AM workout and a banana and PB after, but I'm thinking I need to switch those two things around going forward.  I need to start my workday off with a dose of protein, not sugar.  (Don't tell me to cut my small banana and 2 tbsp of PB out just yet... I eventually will, but right now, it's a morning ritual I don't care to live without.  I gave up coffee over my banana and PB!)
• 12:30pm -- Had lunch, then hit the gym to do weights
• 1:15pm -- Major sugar slump.  Starting to notice the pattern.  Get caught up in work so I don't eat anything just yet -- BIG mistake.
• 3:00pm -- realize I didn't eat my mid-afternoon snack so now I'm starved, and end up devouring my mid-afternoon snack PLUS my pre-PM workout snack.  Fail.  Oh, and I had some chips and salsa :/  Granted they were "healthy chips" and I only had about 10 of them, but still.  NO-NO.
• 5:00pm -- About to leave work to go do cardio.  I feel the same as yesterday -- I'm tired and irritable, but at the same time, I have a little resolve with even just one day under my belt.  I know this is real, and I know that each one of the days like today will add up, and in about 12 weeks I will be reaping some serious rewards for my daily persistence.  Hormones are kicking my butt, but they'll be gone next week.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make this happen.

I have such incredibly strong memories about this time last year.  I was in my PEAK shape in June and July of last year.  I remember feeling so strong and beautiful, I couldn't even believe my eyes when I looked at the gal in the mirror.  My friends and I went to Joshua Tree and I just felt.... I felt like a million bucks.  I feel like for the first time, I had achieved the dream; I had achieved everything I had ever dreamed of, and I didn't take any short cuts.  It was so exhilarating! It's a high I haven't forgotten, and it's a high I want to again.  So I hold that close in my mind, and continue to tell myself it IS possible.

Tonight I will figure out the caloric intake of my current diet, and will modify it for next week.  Getting the right diet down is going to take a week or two of maneuvering until I get the proper distribution of nutrients throughout the day to keep my blood sugar steady.

My goal for this evening is to get my cardio done, go home, steam my zucchini, grill some shrimp, drink a tall glass of water, and call it a night.  But still, right now, I hear the sugar monster quietly whispering in my ear... :/  I will take weekly progress photos like I did last time, but this time I am doing a bikini shot, as well as a picture of these pants that I love that currently do not fit me.  I like that kind of relative perspective :)  I need to take measurements tonight, too!

And so we begin again.

I suppose in a metaphorical way, I can relate to the Oklahoma tornado victims.  Like them, I suppose I did see a storm brewing on the horizon.  Unlike them, I had no real belief that such a crippling event could conceivably happen to me.  But in just 2 quick hours, life went from normal to COMPLETELY upside-down, and I was in it for the long haul.

Not me.  Not now.  I'm too young for this to happen….

In the blink of an eye, I went from a casual 1-hour / 650-calorie elliptical workout, to being curled into the fetal position on my bed praying for daylight.  

Many thoughts raced through my head during those hours until I was able to finally fall asleep.  Wondering if I should go to the hospital; realizing they wouldn't be able to do anything for me.  Sobbing, begging God to take the blinding pain in my back away; realizing I was familiar with this pain, and no amount of prayer could budge the obstacle I feared was before me.  I hadn't done anything to provoke the shooting pain and spasms down my leg and up my rib cage, which maybe made it all the more terrifying.  

I remember a few things VERY clearly from those early weeks.  I remember how hard it was for me to stay active on my fitness Facebook page, listening to everyone doing their AM workouts and wondering when I would even just be able to walk again, or at least without pain.  Missing out on volleyball.  Succumbing to panic and anxiety over what little control I had over the chronic pain and disability I was trapped in.  Hearing things like "Disc Injury" and contemplating my life, my identity….. who or what I was without my athletic goals, dreams and passions.

I can count on one hand the number of times in the past 18 weeks that I have felt like I actually might be making it out of this situation alive.  Fortunately, all those times have been within the past 2 weeks, because progress is coming along remarkably fast now.  But my, my…. how my body has taken a toll.

The first 8 - 12 weeks had actually scant impact on my body composition.  I maintained weight, even my muscle tone.  I was only allowed to walk flat ground for 1 hour a day and do light hamstring and seated row exercises, but things held up pretty well -- I stayed on my diet, all seemed good.  

But then April happened.  This is what I have to say about April 2013:  F*&% YOU.

My back went out a second time, my physical therapy bills tripled, and I worked 14 hour days non-stop the ENTIRE MONTH.  In that time, I did strictly what I had to do to survive.  I had held my diet together despite the depression and the lack of any joy in my life -- I now understand why people turn to food, booze and drugs during times of anxiety, depression or chronic pain.  But when the Month From Hell arrived, I needed room to breathe.  During April, I got re-addicted to sugar.  I tripled my fruit intake, increased my carbs, I still ate 100% clean but the meals I cooked were more on the indulgent side.  After 14 weeks of chronic pain and depression, complete lack of endorphins, high stress and long hours at work, AND a relapse of back spasms after so much physical therapy, one can only continue to eat steamed broccoli and boiled chicken breast for so long.

I gained about 8 pounds in April, and while I haven't taken measurements or weighed myself, I think it's safe to say that I am right back to where I started in January 2012.  I have come to accept this fact, and I don't let it bother me.  I feel my body healing, and I know I can do enough now to at least get the ball rolling to lose the weight and gain the muscle back.  I am somewhat excited to re-endure the struggles of avoiding trigger foods for the joy of seeing results.  I also realize it will be 3 months before I feel like I have even a SLIGHTLY acceptable body though, and that's a tough one.  I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I don't like how my clothes fit.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and part of me is admittedly angry because this injury came out of left field and has completely screwed me over.

But then, after I stop having a pity party for myself, I take a step back and realize that this is a chance to relive the glory of setting goals and achieving them.  

I have decided to dedicate this new journey to the high school version of me, who also had gained a lot of weight (puberty was not kind to me), who hated her body, but chose NOT to do the hard work to get it back… and then resorted to eating disorders years later.  The first time I started clean eating and all that stuff, it was a kamikaze experiment to see if any of it really worked.  Now that I know it DOES work, I like the idea of dedicating these efforts to the old me who never believed it could be possible.  I'm about to prove to myself once again, that it is.

And so there we are.  I know tomorrow is Wednesday, but I already failed on Monday and Tuesday to adhere to my diet without caving in and succumbing to my sweets cravings.  I have successfully cut coffee and milk out though.  Tomorrow, I will stick to my diet.  I will map out my macros, and post them.  And I will begin a weekly check-in, just as I did before, with stats, ups, downs, trials, triumphs, and everything in between.  I'm an idiot for starting this a couple days before my period, when I am exhausted and craving sweets as it is, but somehow I've noticed that pain makes it seem more real; cold turkey ain't ever easy, but being conscious of making decisions based off of what I need, not what I want, has a meditative quality to it that I am excited to re-experience.

Just like the reason I started this blog and my fitness page in the first place, this is above all else an accountability tool for me.  I know what I need to do; Now, I will go and do it.