Progress Report: Week Three -- Workouts, Meal Plans, Progress Photo?

Well, it's not quite 3 weeks, but it's close enough :)

Yesterday marked the start of my 18th week since hurting my back - nearly 4 and a half months.  It feels like it's been an absolute eternity, but when I think about it, if I can recover in 6 - 8 months, that would be pretty reasonable.  

I continue to get stronger and am able to push myself harder in my workouts.  But right now, I only have two different weights routines in rotation, which I alternate every other day:

Routine 1:  Back and Chest

• Seated Row:  4 sets of 10 reps -- 80lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Lat pulldown:  4 sets of 8 reps -- 70lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Bench Press:  4 sets of 8 reps, 30lbs (plus 45-lb bar)
• One arm row: 4 sets (2 on each side) of 10 reps, 27.5-lb dumbbells
• Chest fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 60 lbs.
• Posterior delt fly:  4 sets of 8 reps, 40 lbs

Routine 2:  Lower Body + Shoulders and Triceps

• Seated hamstring curls: 4 sets of 10 reps, 90 lbs
• Forward planks: 4 sets of 45 - 60 seconds
• Skull crushers: 4 sets of 8 reps, 45-lb barbell
• Prone hamstring curls:  4 sets of 10 reps, 60 lbs
• Side bridges:  4 sets (2 on each side) - 60 seconds
• Shoulder press:  4 sets of 8-10 reps, 30-40lbs
• Tricep extensions:  4 sets of 8 reps, 45 lbs

I do these weights routines on my lunch break, and round it off with a sprint around the block where my office is (0.7 miles) - which I will be increasing to a block and a half for a full mile.  Before work, I walk on the treadmil for 30-45 mins at 3.4 MPH at a 7.0% incline, and then do specific calisthenics designed for my rehab program, including back hyperextensions, glute bridges and stationary lunges.  After work, I do hill repeats: 5 - 6 sets of speed walking up an incredible mountain-grade incline for 6 minutes, then walking down for 6 minutes.  All of these are designed to continue to build up the posterior of my body to help balance things out and bring my pelvis back into a natural alignment.  Picture to the right is one I took at dusk after an ass-kicking on the mountain doing hill repeats.  It's always worth it. 

It is a bit cardio-heavy, but I've been wearing my heart rate monitor and more or less the sum of all of these workouts equals the caloric burn I was achieving pre-injury, with all of it being gentle enough for my body to handle as it heals.  I do have to take 2 solid gym days off a week (I used to only take 1 off), but I think that plays an important role not only just in helping my back heal.  Here's the number of steps I take in a typical day on this routine!

My current diet stands as follows:

1. Pre-AM Workout Meal:

Medium banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter (strictly measured) and 20 fl. oz. water

2.  Post-AM Workout ("Breakfast")

Protein Shake -- I have been doing an audit of protein powders on the market to see if I could find something as healthy as Shakeology, that I enjoy equally, but that doesn't crush my bank account.  I've settled on Tera's Whey, which - when mixed with boiled milk, makes the most epic healthy hot chocolate!

3.  Mid-Morning Snack

Lydia's Organic raw/vegan/gluten-free sprouted grain bar.  Only 2g of sugar, nothing--absolutely NOTHING fake -- delicious!

4.  Lunch

My latest obsessions:  a 4% extra lean ground beef patty in 1/2 a whole wheat pita with lettuce, tomato, pickles, avocado, ketchup and mustard, with a cup of baby carrots.

5.  Mid-Afternoon Snack

I naturally have a blood sugar dip in the afternoon.  I've tried front loading my carbs, back loading my carbs, and spreading them out throughout the day, and it never fails -- come 2pm, I want something sweet.  Cue the dairy! By this time last year, I was completely free of dairy.  It was an experiment which I grew accustomed to.  But now, I feel variety is important.  And since dairy has protein and some sugar, it really hits that mid-afternoon hole in my regimen. I chose a nonfat Greek yogurt, a low fat string cheese and some mixed nuts to add a little more protein and healthy fat to the snack to round it out.  Add a cup of plain black tea:  perfection :)

6.  Pre-PM Workout Meal

Can't workout on an empty stomach! Come 5:30p, even if I'm not hungry, I eat anyway because it's the only way I'll make it through my hill repeats.  Simple:  1/2 cup of jumbo blueberries, the egg whites of 2 jumbo hard boiled eggs, and 1/2 a dark chocolate mocha NuGo bar.  Also vegan, gluten-free, all-natural AND DELICIOUS.  Oiy!

7.  Dinner

My newest go-to meal:  1 lb. of cubed boneless skinless chicken breast simmered in a jar of Trader Joe's Curry Simmer Sauce with chickpeas and steamed broccoli - makes 4 servings.

All of these meals equate to about 1850 calories with a macro distribution of around 30% fat, 37% carbs, and 33% protein.

I will confess, I haven't weighed myself, taken measurements, or tracked my progress.  I do know my clothes are fitting better though, and I've been taking weekly progress photos which I will be posting in a couple weeks.  I did the same thing last time -- didn't start tracking my stats until I was about a month in… and didn't start taking progress photos until 2 months in. Here's one photo I'm proud of though -- I've been kicking my booty in my workouts in time to wear this dress for the summer.  I'm almost there!

So, there you have it.  I need to continue to stick with my meal plans, be smart about my workouts, continue to get quality rest for my back, and I could be back in the game in only a few months :)  Woo-hoo!

Progress Report: Week One

From my last experience with starting a diet and training program, the first 2 weeks are rough; the first 2 DAYS are the hardest.

Today marks day 2 of being healthy enough to start pushing myself again.  Yesterday I recall getting to that 1 o'clock hour in the afternoon thinking, "Oh god. How am I going to actually make it through this day without chocolate?"

Now, granted, hormones are not on my side right now; I chose a bad time of the month to reboot my journey.  But it is what it is, and I wanted to record my precise thoughts and feelings which I wrote in a pocket diary throughout the day, to get a real-time look at the ups and downs of coming off of sugar.

Day 1:  Common Themes

• 9:45am (This is a real-life, not even kidding statement I said to a co-worker before realizing how outrageous I actually sounded) "All I want right now is to eat a mountain of chocolate and lose 10 lbs.  Why is the universe so unfair!??"
• [Queue hormonal outburst theatrics]
• 11:00am -- I am feeling pretty good.  Breakfast and mid-morning snack have squared me away, I feel like I have a good amount of energy
• 12:00pm - lunch, and then went to lift weights
• 1:15pm -- Major energy slump.  Ate a plain Greek yogurt with a couple sliced up strawberries and it did nothing for me.
• 3:00pm -- So tired, I am falling asleep at my desk.  Have a desperate craving for a sugary treat, although I don't know if it's my body wanting an instant sugar kick, or my mind wanting something psychologically satisfying to help me get through the next 2.5 hours of my workday.
• 4:30pm -- leaving work early.  Need to do cardio, and I'm so tired that I feel nauseous.  I am debating with myself, trying to rationalize and justify a gym day off, but I know it will only make working out tomorrow that much worse because the fatigue, blood sugar issues and mood swings will still be there.
• 6:15pm -- CARDIO! RAWR! I did it, I feel great, but I am staaaarving!
• 8:00pm -- Uninspired by my dinners I had planned this week - an egg white scramble and steamed zucchini.  I want cheap sugar -- snacks.  Cookies.  But I know they won't bring me satisfaction.  I have half a protein bar, some left over boiled chicken and kidney beans, and I did eat a small whole mango that was about to go bad.  I justified that it was wasteful not to eat it, but I do regret it since I wasn't hungry.  I should have cut it up and frozen it. 
• 9:30pm -- Asleep.

All in all, not too bad, although there is just something insanely sucky about feeling SO miserable, and on the one hand you try to convince yourself that it is all for the best, you start envisioning your body in a few months.... and then you undress in front of the mirror and see that muffin top and realize you look as shitty as you feel :/  But I also distinctly remember reflecting on these times as the best, because they are the most gratifying -- being at your worst and STILL pushing through.  This is the stuff that character is made of.

 Day 2:  Common Themes

• 6:00am -- woke up a half hour earlier to give myself more gym time.  My back feels good.  I'm ready to make this a stellar day!
• 6:45am -- at the gym.  Feel sleepy, yawning a lot, but going to make it through this workout.  Carpe diem!  My AM routine consists of 30-45 minutes of incline treadmill walking, and then a lot of stretches and exercises for my back
• 10:15am -- First sugar pangs hit.  I've been having a protein shake before my first AM workout and a banana and PB after, but I'm thinking I need to switch those two things around going forward.  I need to start my workday off with a dose of protein, not sugar.  (Don't tell me to cut my small banana and 2 tbsp of PB out just yet... I eventually will, but right now, it's a morning ritual I don't care to live without.  I gave up coffee over my banana and PB!)
• 12:30pm -- Had lunch, then hit the gym to do weights
• 1:15pm -- Major sugar slump.  Starting to notice the pattern.  Get caught up in work so I don't eat anything just yet -- BIG mistake.
• 3:00pm -- realize I didn't eat my mid-afternoon snack so now I'm starved, and end up devouring my mid-afternoon snack PLUS my pre-PM workout snack.  Fail.  Oh, and I had some chips and salsa :/  Granted they were "healthy chips" and I only had about 10 of them, but still.  NO-NO.
• 5:00pm -- About to leave work to go do cardio.  I feel the same as yesterday -- I'm tired and irritable, but at the same time, I have a little resolve with even just one day under my belt.  I know this is real, and I know that each one of the days like today will add up, and in about 12 weeks I will be reaping some serious rewards for my daily persistence.  Hormones are kicking my butt, but they'll be gone next week.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make this happen.

I have such incredibly strong memories about this time last year.  I was in my PEAK shape in June and July of last year.  I remember feeling so strong and beautiful, I couldn't even believe my eyes when I looked at the gal in the mirror.  My friends and I went to Joshua Tree and I just felt.... I felt like a million bucks.  I feel like for the first time, I had achieved the dream; I had achieved everything I had ever dreamed of, and I didn't take any short cuts.  It was so exhilarating! It's a high I haven't forgotten, and it's a high I want to again.  So I hold that close in my mind, and continue to tell myself it IS possible.

Tonight I will figure out the caloric intake of my current diet, and will modify it for next week.  Getting the right diet down is going to take a week or two of maneuvering until I get the proper distribution of nutrients throughout the day to keep my blood sugar steady.

My goal for this evening is to get my cardio done, go home, steam my zucchini, grill some shrimp, drink a tall glass of water, and call it a night.  But still, right now, I hear the sugar monster quietly whispering in my ear... :/  I will take weekly progress photos like I did last time, but this time I am doing a bikini shot, as well as a picture of these pants that I love that currently do not fit me.  I like that kind of relative perspective :)  I need to take measurements tonight, too!

And so we begin again.

I suppose in a metaphorical way, I can relate to the Oklahoma tornado victims.  Like them, I suppose I did see a storm brewing on the horizon.  Unlike them, I had no real belief that such a crippling event could conceivably happen to me.  But in just 2 quick hours, life went from normal to COMPLETELY upside-down, and I was in it for the long haul.

Not me.  Not now.  I'm too young for this to happen….

In the blink of an eye, I went from a casual 1-hour / 650-calorie elliptical workout, to being curled into the fetal position on my bed praying for daylight.  

Many thoughts raced through my head during those hours until I was able to finally fall asleep.  Wondering if I should go to the hospital; realizing they wouldn't be able to do anything for me.  Sobbing, begging God to take the blinding pain in my back away; realizing I was familiar with this pain, and no amount of prayer could budge the obstacle I feared was before me.  I hadn't done anything to provoke the shooting pain and spasms down my leg and up my rib cage, which maybe made it all the more terrifying.  

I remember a few things VERY clearly from those early weeks.  I remember how hard it was for me to stay active on my fitness Facebook page, listening to everyone doing their AM workouts and wondering when I would even just be able to walk again, or at least without pain.  Missing out on volleyball.  Succumbing to panic and anxiety over what little control I had over the chronic pain and disability I was trapped in.  Hearing things like "Disc Injury" and contemplating my life, my identity….. who or what I was without my athletic goals, dreams and passions.

I can count on one hand the number of times in the past 18 weeks that I have felt like I actually might be making it out of this situation alive.  Fortunately, all those times have been within the past 2 weeks, because progress is coming along remarkably fast now.  But my, my…. how my body has taken a toll.

The first 8 - 12 weeks had actually scant impact on my body composition.  I maintained weight, even my muscle tone.  I was only allowed to walk flat ground for 1 hour a day and do light hamstring and seated row exercises, but things held up pretty well -- I stayed on my diet, all seemed good.  

But then April happened.  This is what I have to say about April 2013:  F*&% YOU.

My back went out a second time, my physical therapy bills tripled, and I worked 14 hour days non-stop the ENTIRE MONTH.  In that time, I did strictly what I had to do to survive.  I had held my diet together despite the depression and the lack of any joy in my life -- I now understand why people turn to food, booze and drugs during times of anxiety, depression or chronic pain.  But when the Month From Hell arrived, I needed room to breathe.  During April, I got re-addicted to sugar.  I tripled my fruit intake, increased my carbs, I still ate 100% clean but the meals I cooked were more on the indulgent side.  After 14 weeks of chronic pain and depression, complete lack of endorphins, high stress and long hours at work, AND a relapse of back spasms after so much physical therapy, one can only continue to eat steamed broccoli and boiled chicken breast for so long.

I gained about 8 pounds in April, and while I haven't taken measurements or weighed myself, I think it's safe to say that I am right back to where I started in January 2012.  I have come to accept this fact, and I don't let it bother me.  I feel my body healing, and I know I can do enough now to at least get the ball rolling to lose the weight and gain the muscle back.  I am somewhat excited to re-endure the struggles of avoiding trigger foods for the joy of seeing results.  I also realize it will be 3 months before I feel like I have even a SLIGHTLY acceptable body though, and that's a tough one.  I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I don't like how my clothes fit.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and part of me is admittedly angry because this injury came out of left field and has completely screwed me over.

But then, after I stop having a pity party for myself, I take a step back and realize that this is a chance to relive the glory of setting goals and achieving them.  

I have decided to dedicate this new journey to the high school version of me, who also had gained a lot of weight (puberty was not kind to me), who hated her body, but chose NOT to do the hard work to get it back… and then resorted to eating disorders years later.  The first time I started clean eating and all that stuff, it was a kamikaze experiment to see if any of it really worked.  Now that I know it DOES work, I like the idea of dedicating these efforts to the old me who never believed it could be possible.  I'm about to prove to myself once again, that it is.

And so there we are.  I know tomorrow is Wednesday, but I already failed on Monday and Tuesday to adhere to my diet without caving in and succumbing to my sweets cravings.  I have successfully cut coffee and milk out though.  Tomorrow, I will stick to my diet.  I will map out my macros, and post them.  And I will begin a weekly check-in, just as I did before, with stats, ups, downs, trials, triumphs, and everything in between.  I'm an idiot for starting this a couple days before my period, when I am exhausted and craving sweets as it is, but somehow I've noticed that pain makes it seem more real; cold turkey ain't ever easy, but being conscious of making decisions based off of what I need, not what I want, has a meditative quality to it that I am excited to re-experience.

Just like the reason I started this blog and my fitness page in the first place, this is above all else an accountability tool for me.  I know what I need to do; Now, I will go and do it.

The Recovering Athlete: Rehabilitation for a Blown Back

Yesterday marked the beginning of my 10th week since my injury, and it also marked my new hopeful 6 week countdown to full recovery.  On exactly this date last year, I was just two weeks into starting my Facebook fitness page The All-Natural Athlete, and was celebrating Week 9 of being a clean eater trying to figure my way through the tangled web of losing weight and gaining muscle (click here to see that post).  Revisiting that blog post brought back such fantastic memories, since week 9 was when I was finally starting to see serious results -- the running shorts I had been wearing for almost a full decade were now too big for me to wear!  That sentiment ironically is identical to how I feel now; I finally am beginning to not only feel better, but feel strong again.  I continue to struggle with a stiff back in my sacral region at the end of a busy day, but nothing a little ice and 30 minutes of rest can't do away with.  Each week my Physical Therapy team gives me new work to do (this week we've added unweighted back hyper-extensions, and next week reverse lunges will be thrown into the mix) and I'm starting to see the light.  In both cases - first changing my whole lifestyle last year, and now this year repairing a variety of sports injuries that were, sadly, inevitable -- the first months were an enormous and often times disheartening struggle.  They were a vicious game of patience, and required a lot of trust in the process.  Physically, psychologically, and emotionally, there was not one easy thing about making it through the first 2 - 3 months of harsh reality.  But in both cases, the strength and lessons learned in keeping focused and determined to change and be better for it have paid back to me more than I ever could have imagined.  It was the greatest thing I ever achieved in my life last year to become a clean eater, and I know that healing my body now so that I can come back to be a kick-ass athlete later this year will be one of the greatest stories I'll have to tell for the rest of my life.  I am already grateful for the challenges dealt to me :)

With that said, several of my friends and volleyball/fitness acquaintances have been asking me what my PT guys have been doing and teaching me to rehab my back, both in the acute stages as well as in the strength/preventative care stages.   I've been meaning to share everything, so here goes! 

I would like to start this by saying I have absolutely NO formal education in any of this.  I am merely regurgitating everything I understand as being taught to me by my PT guys based on my own individual situation.  For more details on my own situation and the cause of my back injury, please read my blog post here (about halfway through the post I discuss my anatomical maladies).  In short, I deeply sprained my L4/L5 and L5/S1 discs as a result of my quadriceps completely overpowering my hamstrings and gluteal muscles, causing my pelvis to be pulled forward, which then created a tug-o-war effect between my quads and my spinal erectors since my hams and glutes couldn't do the job.  Thus, my therapy has been geared toward stretching out my quads, opening up my hips, and aggressively strengthening my hamstrings, glutes, abs and lower back muscles in order to rebalance the torque being placed on my pelvis, and to stabilize the whole region to protect my lower lumbar from unnatural strain.

THE ACUTE PHASE (First 3 weeks):  The first 3 weeks were rough.  I was in terrible spasms and my discs were slightly slipped and pressing on nerves, causing nerve pain in my hips, glutes, and down my left leg.  Physical therapy consisted of ART (Active Release) treatments.  Chiropractors and physical therapists actually have to be certified in this type of therapy; it should not be done by a street masseuse.  I was placed on a table the bent back and forth at the waist, creating movement in the spine, and had ART therapy done to me in my lower lumbar region along my spinal erectors to help break up pre-existing scar tissue from previous injury, and to help release the spasms in my back.  At home, I was told to take 800mg of Advil twice a day (morning and night, 12 hours apart, with food).  I was to walk for 15-30 minutes in the morning and the evening on flat paved ground with proper footwear; even if it hurt, I was to walk.  Walking helps loosen the muscles and open the hips to help release tension.  I was to heat my back in the mornings and the evenings, particularly before I went walking.  Otherwise, I was to ice several times for 10-20 minutes, particularly when my back started to hurt.  I was to avoid sitting as much as possible since it compressed and pinched my spine.  Ideally, I was either standing, or laying in the only position I was allowed to sleep in - with my back flat on an egg crate mattress, a thin pillow under my head, and my knees up and bent at near a 90*-angle, similar to the photo above (I would just stack 3 pillows under my knees).  This position helped TREMENDOUSLY.  

After 2 weeks of the above routine, I was taught to do 2-5 sets of "Prone Hip Extensions", holding the position for 20-30 seconds each.  Lying face down, knees touching the floor, toes pointed and heels slightly pointing outward, I was to squeeze my glutes and "tuck my tailbone underneath me".  This action activated the glutes and hamstrings to pull my pelvis back and into alignment.  Here is a video of that action.  Please note:  In the beginning, I did the first version of this video.  As I progressed, I now do the second version demonstrated in this video:

In addition to this, I did 5 - 10 very gentle "cobra" movements (Here is an image of cobra pose - only held for 2 seconds each time)

THE RECOVERY PHASE:  In weeks 4-6, I was more or less taken away from "therapy", and shifted to active recovery.  I was still heating, icing and "Advil'ing" during this period.  In addition to doing the Prone Hip Extensions shown earlier by video (with bent knees), my PT guy did some brutal (but of course, highly effectively!) therapy to my hip flexors near my abdomen and groin, and discovered my quads were full of scar tissue so we did some deep ART massage there. 

I was also given my first homework to start doing.  First it was the Prone Hip Extenions and cobras, but now we added "Hip Openers with a Stability Ball".  I did 4 sets of the Hip Openers per each leg, holding the pose for 30-45 seconds.  Follow this link to the video; for some reason, Blogger can't locate the video for me to upload: "Kneeling Hip Openers" (link redirect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAolljf8vps) In this movement, for various weeks I did this stretch staying erect or leaning back a little bit, before my quads were loose enough for me to then proceed with the exercise and lean forward.

Next, I had to foam roll my IT bands like crazy.  They were so painful in the beginning, it brought me to tears!

I was also taught "Pelvic Tilts with Tidal Breathing".  Tidal breathing is breathing slowly in through your nose and letting your belly extend outward (instead of breathing "upward" into your lungs), and then breathing slowly outward through pursed lips.  Pelvic Tilts had me laying on my back with my knees bent.  Breathing in and letting my belly rise, it would lift my lower lumbar off of the table.  When I breathed out, I was to tuck my pelvis underneath me so that my lower lumbar touched the table.  This creates movement in the spine and is good for it (although I cannot site specifically why..the video explains :D).  Here is a video showing this exercise:

I would do 25 sets of the above exercise once a daily, sometimes twice later on.

THE REBUILDING PHASE: PART 1:

Between weeks 6 to present, I have continued to gain new exercises each week I receive therapy. I was assigned to do forward planks and to do 4 sets of 20-60 seconds each.  The proper way to do a forward plank is here (again, Blogger cannot locate this video.  Ugh!):  Forward Planks Video (link redirect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQtvkzhg-Ls)

I was also taught to do lateral planks with a foam roller between my knees.  As this video explains, that is to keep a neutral alignment of the spine and pelvis.  Blogger won't let me updload the video, so here it is:  Lateral Bridge (Link Redirect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=001_lfX1rjM)

I was also prescribed to do 4-6 sets of 10 reps at 70% strength of two separate hamstring curl exercises:  The first was the seated one, the second was the prone (laying down) one.  In both instances, I was to have my toes slightly pointed inward, to target my medial hamstring which is very weak. Here is a seated leg curl tutorial:

And here is a prone leg curl tutorial:

In addition to these exercises, I was allowed to start walking hills for 30-45 minutes each day, which I progressed to hour-long hikes eventually.

THE REBUILDING PHASE: PART 2:

2 weeks ago, the "T Exercise" was added to my repertoire.  This, to build my glutes, low back, and also my thoracic region which has also been in flexion.  Again - SHOCKER - Blogger won't let me upload the video.  So here are the links: Y's and T's (link redirect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoi2KmtNHaY) *Please note, I have not graduated to Y's yet*

I was also given Floor Bridge exercises to do.  I was taught two of them:  One using a stability ball, and one just lying on the floor.  I only do the floor one (don't tell my therapist!) :)  Floor Bridge (link redirect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSQhcG-aqYQ)

And last week, the back hyper extension exercise was added to my routine.  I was told to do this 4 sets of 10 reps but I've only been able to do 3 sets of 8 reps.

I do all of these exercises in conjunction with all the ones previously assigned me. I'm 2.5 months into this process and I now only take Advil when needed, I ice each evening and anytime after I work out, and I heat every morning when I wake up, every time BEFORE I work out, and I also place the setting on low and sleep on the heating pad each night.

I know that soon, I will be adding reverse lunges and stuff, and will post those when I cross that bridge. The goal in all of this, as mentioned before, is to train the back of my legs and get them strong enough to pull back against the force of my quads so that my Pelvis comes into a neutral position.  Also, to continue to stretch out and massage scar tissues away from my quads so that they will loosen up on their pull on my pelvis.

My back still cracks a lot, I have a standing desk at work to avoid much sitting, and I still sleep in the same position each night (or on my side with a pillow between my knees). I have good days and bad days, but I more or less am in a position to move about freely without pain.  I don't lift heavy things or do anything not prescribed by my physical therapist though.  I do, after all, intend to make a full recovery and train to run a half marathon in November, not to mention still train to do maybe a figure competition at some point :)  More updates to come soon!

The Recovering Athlete: 孫子兵法 ("The Art of War")

"兵之形, 避實而擊虛."  

("So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong and strike at what is weak.")

--Sun Tzu, The Art of War

If my last blog post wasn't evidence enough, the past 7 weeks have been a test of my patience, my sanity, and my ability to believe in a light at the end of this injury tunnel.  It has been nearly 2 months since my back went out on me.  In that time, I have gone through some seriously dark sh*t, and now that I finally have begun to turn the corner with measurable improvements in my condition, I have been able to start gathering together everything I've learned in this process, and want to start sharing it all. This experience, I know, will be well worth it's weight in gold in the end.

The first four to five weeks of my journey were some of the darkest times I've ever experienced in my life, ever.  If you want insight on that time, read my last blog post:  The Injured Athlete: Why it Took Me So Long to Write This.  

Kent had THREE herniated discs at one point. He made
 a full recovery without the need for surgery.

After 3 weeks of acute chiropractic therapy, my back finally began to stabilize and I was introduced to my physical therapist, Kent.  Kent has been working on addressing the great number of things wrong with my body for the past 4 weeks, and he's been nothing short of amazing.  A former competitor himself, the injuries Kent sustained from overtraining, overly aggressive weight routines, and general lack of observation of developing injuries, eventually cut his bodybuilding career short.  But through his own rehabilitation process, he developed a desire to devote the rest of his career to training and treating injured athletes in an effort not only to treat their ailments, but also to change their mentality through education so that the athlete could train sustainably in the future.

I intend to share everything I have learned (and  continue to learn) from my sessions with Kent in this blog.  But for now, I want to focus on one conversation I had with him last weekend.  I'm going to call this the "Sun Tzu / Art of War" talk. Here's the backstory.

I was on the table getting ready for some ART therapy in my lower lumbar, and Kent and I were talking about sustainable athleticism.  We spoke a lot about the wide variety of injuries common amongst athletes, and how most of them almost always effect the spine to some degree.  We talked about baseball injuries, soccer injuries, triathletes, marathon runners, you name it.  Kent said to me, "You see those super competitive triathletes out there?  The ones who don't have an ounce of body fat, and all look like the endurance-version of Superman?  Don't be fooled, they're ALL injured.  They are ALL on my table."  So I asked Kent, despairingly, "Is there any way to be a competitive athlete, but still be able to preserve your body so that injuries like this don't occur??"  Kent's response:  "The second anyone decides they want to compete or strive for real greatness, fitness from a health and wellness standpoint immediately takes back seat."

This was a shock to me; I never have thought about how my health and fitness goals might actually be affecting my overall health and fitness in a negative way.  I know that moderation is key, but I still never thought that my ambitious athletic pursuits could all actually be doing more harm than good, from an accumulative stand point.  But then common sense kicked in; we preach so much about pushing ourselves; "No excuses", "no days off", and all those other mantras.  We praise people who push harder, who don't quit… and rightly we should! But when people have too much zeal, their pain tolerance goes up.  They, like me, are more prone to skipping rest days.  They get used to the toils of training and can't distinguish between good and bad pain.  They choose to push through injuries instead of stopping ("Only quitters quit!").  And they tend to continue to push harder as their thirst for "better, better, better!" gets stronger, stronger, stronger.

You can see how large my quads here; you can't see
how much bigger they are than my hamstrings.

My back injury is a result of various factors. First, my spine has been strained and sheered by an unnatural degree of pull on it from my pelvis.  My pelvis is rotated forward because it is being pulled straight down by my quads.  My quads are FULL of scar tissue from old injuries, my IT bands are as hard as concrete, and my quads in general are overdeveloped in relation to my glutes and hamstrings.  This has effectively rendered the back of my legs useless in trying to pull my pelvis back into place, which then has put a lot of pull and strain on my spinal erectors as they fight to keep my spine straight and in place against the force of my quads. My glutes and hamstrings are weak because (a) I haven't trained them properly and proportionately, and (b) because, between school and then an office job, I have basically been sitting for 8+ hours a day for the past 25 years of my life.  2 hours of working out a day cannot offset sitting for 8 hours.  Sitting down for that long ruins your hip flexors, allows your quads to tighten up, and stretches out your hams and glutes, which just adds to their inability to pull the pelvis back and in place when tight strong quads are pulling it forward.  Add on top of this two instances when I was told I had piriformis syndrome which I treated with oral steroids (and NO physical therapy…wtf was I thinking!??), when in actuality I had sprained my lower back, as evidenced by all of the scar tissue currently surrounding my injured vertebrae.  I pushed through the pain, I rushed the healing process of injuries (or didn't treat them at all!) and I continued to build my program harder and stronger.  I was a ticking time bomb.

Note how muscles both directly and indirectly affixed to the spine and pelvis, go all the way down to the knee!  Knee pain is often a symptom of -- or precursor to -- back injuries.

So, back to the Art of War...  

Kent told me that there is a way to be a healthy, competitive athlete, and a way to stay a healthy, competitive athlete, but it requires common sense which, at first glance, may look counter-intuitive.  He said that for whatever sport you do or compete in, you must, MUST ensure that you train opposing muscle groups in the gym.  He said that many athletes think that since their sport requires them to do or be strong in certain movements, then that's what they should be training in the gym.  While it is important to develop those muscles and agility and motor skills in what is required of you, it is perhaps even more so important to train and develop the muscles and movements in your body that are NOT worked out as much in your sport.  Why? You must stay balanced! Your body should maintain a uniform level of muscular development.  Too much of one muscle group will overpower the other, and wham! Injury.  Too strong of one muscle group in relation to another will cause you to subconsciously move differently, which in turn puts strain on joints, ligaments, and other tissues that aren't being moved properly.  Kent said you have to attack the weak spots, not the strong ones.

"The Art of War" is an ancient military treatise authored by Sun Tzu, a legendary Chinese military general, sometime in the 6th century B.C.  There are a great number of proverbs that come from the book, and one of them goes as such: "兵之形, 避實而擊虛."  Or, in English, "Avoid what is strong, and strike at what is weak."  Of course, Sun Tzu was talking about how to efficiently overthrow a foe.  But when Kent told me that the training program I follow for the rest of my life must be engineered to attack the weak spots, not the strong ones, I immediately thought of Sun Tzu.

Goals are kind of like war:  Your mind is set on them, you develop a strategy, and you don't stop until you either succeed or you surrender.  My body is a battlefield that has seen it's fair share of bloodshed :/  But I know now that, while being a competitor (of any sorts) will require a certain degree of risk and sacrifice, if approached properly, one can develop one's body in nearly perfect balance by focusing not on making the strong parts stronger, but bringing the weak spots up to speed.

As such, when I am finally healed and Kent helps me engineer a training program, you can bet your boots it will be chock full of hamstring and glute exercises and deadlifts, and there will be a striking absence of the incline leg press… possibly forever?  And I will most certainly share this program when I have it!

That's all, for now :)

The Injured Athlete: Why it took me so long to write this

Today is Tuesday, February 26th.  29 days ago, on Monday January 28th, I had a Back Attack.

I was baking a quiche in my kitchen after a super basic evening of 60 minutes of steady-state elliptical cardio at the gym.  It was a completely non-descript day; I did biceps, triceps and shoulders in the AM, worked all day, then cardio before I went home to do my customary monday evening meal prep.  I even remember having "I Shouldn't Be Alive" playing on Netflix on my computer as cooked, watching someone's harrowing ordeal and being thankful I was healthy and well.

That's when I noticed the pinchy tightness hitting my left glute.  I couldn't stretch it out, and it nagged at me.  I figured I was having a cramp.  I took 2 advil and tried to ignore it.

Two hours later, as I was just lying in bed to sleep, that growing achey pinchy cramp finally seized into a brain numbing pain shooting through my left glute, around my hip flexor and down my leg.  I immediately thought what I thought was the worst - that I was having a flare up of Piriformis Syndrome, which I had been shoddily diagnosed with twice before in my past.  Both times took MONTHS to recover from, and I laid in bed in a blinding panic, especially since I had done nothing to provoke this.

The next day, the pain was gone.  I felt pretty ok.  I took Tuesday as a rest day, and when Wednesday came around, I decided to have at it and see if the pain came back.  I ran 7 miles, did lower body weights, and ended it with a course of yoga.

Brilliant, aren't I?

Thursday was the true beginning of a horror story I am still not even near being out of.  The pain which seemed to grow stronger and stronger each hour, each day, the aches, the nerve pain, the impossibility of getting into a position to alleviate the pain…. it was maddening.

I survived to Monday, February 4th, when I saw a Chiropractor for the first time.  He immediately said I had sprained my L4/L5 disc, that I was a pretty textbook case, and that I shouldn't worry; the pain would subside, and they'd help me learn how to prevent this in the future.  But… disc injury?  He might as well have told me I had cancer, to be honest.  I knew what back injury meant.  I had seen my brother suffer chronic pain from it, saw it sideline many people I knew in my life.  It was the first disability I had ever been diagnosed with, and the pain was blinding.  I couldn't sit, I couldn't lay down, I couldn't drive, I couldn't work.  The instability of my spine was always constant, the nerve pain was unresponsive to any quantity of drugs I took.  One night I was so desperate I took three 200mg Advils, one Advil PM, and 5mg of Flexeril.  Not a single change in the pain.

What ensued was a heart-defeating dance of having a couple "ok" hours, and then spasm.  A day or two of tolerability, and then suddenly days of cramps and nerve pain of varying, inconsistent degrees.  Some mornings I would wake up fine, others I would begin my day with awful cramps through my left quad and down the side of my calf.  Usually between 11a and 2p I would have such intense nerve pain focused around my sacrum and radiating to each of my hips, that I would break down sobbing in the lobby of my work.  People would stare, some had the decency to ask me if I needed an ambulance.  All I could do was just say I was in a great deal of pain that nothing but time could alleviate.  I would call my mom who unfailing absorbed all of my inconsolable tears, who with patience and a love only a mother could emit, showered understanding, reason, sympathy, and options we had to help me find healing.  Even if it meant steroids and percocet, she would remind me we hadn't exhausted all the options, that there was a way to escape the pain if I really needed it that badly.  Part of me admittedly didn't ask for steroids or hefty pain killers from my doctor for fear that they wouldn't work either, and I don't think I could face that defeat.  It was comforting enough just to know there were other options that might still work.

Amidst the physical pain, was the pain of being told I obviously couldn't work out.  Weekends were the worst.  Seeing my minifeed full of people getting in their 20 mile trail runs before 7am, people hiking, cycling, hitting the gym….All my friends were out playing volleyball and I couldn't even be near it, the depression and jealousy and anxiety would consume me. It still does.  It brought back nightmares -- literal nightmares -- of the time I tore some tendons in my knee and had to retire from soccer.  But at least then, I was still allowed to lift, still allowed to swim and cycle until my knee healed.  I couldn't sit or lay down for the pain due to this back injury, but I wasn't allowed to work out or do anything that I loved that would take my mind off of the misery, and all of my friends were out doing athletic things that I couldn't participate in.  The first 3 weeks were a blur of unending tears, anxiety, and massive amounts of depression.  The weekend of President's Day I spent indoors with the blinds drawn, my phone shut off, and went between bouts of pain-induced tears, depression-induced tears, and complete mental breakdowns before exhaustion would consume me and I'd fall asleep for 3 - 4 hours.  I would wake up, realize I was trapped in a nightmare, and continue the cycle.

A lot of thoughts crossed my mind during this time.  It's difficult for non-athletes to understand what it's like to suffer an injury that not only sidelines you, but drowns you in pain that nothing can alleviate.   I think of it as a brilliant mathematician being diagnosed with Alzheimers, or a guitarist getting into an accident and losing his hand.  Or Julie Andrews losing her ability to sing due to that vocal chord issue she had. When it wasn't physical pain, it was psychological warfare.  No matter who was around to make me feel better, to uplift me, to encourage me -- and believe me, I have had many angels through the darkest times of this! -- nothing was enough to give me any hope to cling to.  I thought of those survivors on I Shouldn't Be Alive and realized that if I was ever in a life-or-death predicament, I likely would not have the strength or the willpower to see myself through it.  

One time, when I was on a walk (which is all I am allowed to do), I was able to put my finger on why I was having so much anxiety and depression; after all, I had only been injured 3 weeks! I realized it was because I had put all my eggs into one basket.  Not only did I love being an athlete, and not only was I addicted to the high, the endorphins, the lifestyle, the sense of community, and all that came along with it, but it was my sole identity. I don't want kids, and I don't want marriage.  My career is mediocre at best, and I certainly am not climbing any corporate ladder any time soon.  My athletic activities defined me, they were everything my life was about.  If I had a bulging disc that prevented me from being the same ever again, then who was I?

In 2008, I suffered an awful heart break that I have never recovered from.  After enduring that pain, I came to my own personal conclusion that anything love had to offer, was not worth the risk or the pain.  All I needed was myself, my freedom, and I was perfectly content with that.  When I lost that relationship, the same thoughts flooded my mind; what is life worth, if the only person I ever loved was no longer in it?  What is there left to live for?  

Now, certainly these are dark thoughts we all experience during our darkest hour.  And we see it through, we learn, we grow, and we become better people for it.  But on my walk, when I was thinking the same thing for this injury as I was during heart break, I began to wonder if there was not anything in this life we can ever truly count on.  What is it all worth?  What is the one thing in life worth fighting for if you don't even have your own good health?  That is an open-ended question that I am on a quest to answer for my own self, in due time.  Surely there is so much to cherish and enjoy in this world besides athletic endeavors.  The problem really lies in how we view ourselves and where we fit in society.  If we lose our identity - whether it be to injury, loss, career obliteration, bankruptcy - if we lose the thing to which we've anchored our existence, then there is nothing left to keep us from floating away and being lost forever.

On President's Day (Monday), I had a chiropractor appointment.  I had been in spasm since the prior Thursday.  When my doctor saw me in such pain, after several weeks of treatment, I think he began to realize that he was dealing with a larger beast than he had once thought.  At first he suspected I'd be better in two weeks.  But then he felt scar tissue around my compromised vertebrae and told me that this was not my first rodeo -- that those times I had piriformis, where actually flare-ups of this same disc injury.  Which means I technically blew my back out first in 2008 when I was only 24, and again in 2010 when I was 26.  Here at 29, my third back injury.  A now chronic injury.

A later xray of my back would reveal a properly aligned spine with a slight narrowing of the L5/S1 vertebrae; this supported my therapists' diagnosis of soft tissue trauma and spinal sheering caused by pelvic strain placed on my spine as a result of imbalanced muscular development and misdiagnosis/poor rehabilitation of prior sports injuries.

The doctor worked to create space in my spine and then did deep tissue ART massage on my back erectors, which were as hard as concrete.  I spent the rest of the day in continued pain, which culminated in a full-scale, not even joking panic attack in the middle of Whole Foods with my mom and sister.  I stood absolutely frozen; I don't remember much, but I do remember going completely numb next to the Food Bar.  I heard a ringing in my ears and I started sweating and that's when I realized the panic was no longer in my head, it was taking over my body regardless of how I felt.  A searing dread came into me.  I was aware I was in a public place, and knew I needed to snap out of it and get agrip on myself, but there was this stillness in the eye of the storm that I was drawn to. It's like, my whole body was responding to this fear and dread and panic overcoming me, but the core of my mind was in this quiet, numb place that held me captive truly like a dear in the the headlights.

But then the truck struck me.  I began feeling my hear racing, feeling the dizziness and nausea and that horrifying desire to run away from imminent danger and then becoming aware of huge muscle cramps and nerve pinches. I began to uncontrollably sob. I basically just gave up, and gave into it.  I gave into the pain, I gave into the fear that kept trying to squeeze the breath out of my lungs.  I surrendered all hope I had mustered in my "silver lining" attitude that in the end, this would all be worth it, that I would be a stronger athlete and a stronger person for all of this.  I was exhausted; I couldn't sleep for the pain, I hadn't eaten in at least 48 hours, and I had spent any remaining energy I had trying to push down the dread and the pain that kept coming closer and closer to engulfing my whole body, like a thick gray fog that veiled the whole world from me.  My mom rushed me out of the store as I began hyperventilating, and somehow managed to keep me on my feet when my sobbing turned to dry heaving and I thought for sure I was going to pass out.

Over-reacting?  I hope to god one day I can look back and say I was overreacting.  I hope to god one day I can look back in shame and say, "God, what a pussy I was about that one time when I had a back spasm!"  I hope to god one day I can look back with embarrassment for proving just how weak and vulnerable and impatient and soft I am.  I hope to god this was just an instance of weakness.  Because right now? 8 days after that episode?  I look back with horror thinking that that was one of the realest, most genuinely terrifying experiences I have ever gone through.  I remember that moment as being the closest to death I have ever come, to be honest.  I had never experienced a panic attack before, I have never had a near-death experience, I have never suffered from depression or anything like that.  With all of those intense sensations, all that pain (both in and out)… it was like, I had never been more aware of my existence than in that moment, and I had never been more aware of how fleeting it was, either.  

Since that day, I have made some improvements in my physical condition.  I still have the spasms (last Friday night I woke up to one so bad that I threw up).  But I am sitting better, lying better, am not in constant pain all the time, and have been allowed to lift light upper body weights which has saved me.  I struggle with anxiety and impatience and hopelessness still, and fear that I will never escape this pain (despite my doctors telling me I will surely recover).  After that last panic attack, I vowed to put as much of my energy as possible toward healing, and changing - both as a person, and as an athlete.  I have practiced meditation; taken long mineral salt baths with incense, music and candles; I've begun to read more, cook more, and strive to keep my mind and heart at peace.  Strangely, I think of Lance Armstrong a lot.   I think to myself what he must have gone through when he found out he had cancer.  Chemo, radiation, and the thought of not only losing his passion, but his career at the same time.  And he survived, and he came back.  Steroids be damned! I couldn't care less about that decision of his anymore.  I think about female athletes who get pregnant and have children and have to deal with - and rebound from - all the physical changes that procreation requires.  It's only been 29 days for me.  I am still in pain, still fragile, and still fearful…. but I can walk.  And I can maintain upper body.  And I can dream of the day I get better, and can finally hire my trainer and my nutritionist and start tackling my physique goals.  I may have to give up volleyball, but I've had to redefine myself as an athlete before; who knows, maybe triathlons are in my future?

But alas, I get ahead of myself.  The reason it took me so long to write this, is that it has taken me so long to stop hurting.  I haven't stopped hurting yet, but I realize that my experience may be consolation to people who come after me, and sharing all the dark and painful details that no one wants to talk about for fear that others will judge us as being hypersensitive or crazy might encourage others who find themselves in this dark place right now.  I've come across quotes and songs and such that I'd like to share as a part of expressing the experience of an injured athlete who is struggling with pain and identity crises, but I am tired so I will share those later.  For now, though, two quotes that I enjoy, which both convey trying to create opportunity in times of disadvantage:

"Every wall is my door." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When the winds of change blow, some build walls while others build windmills."  -- Chinese Proverb

I am considering having the Emerson quote tattooed on my back once I heal from this injury :)

Marketing STDs (Sneaky, Tricky, Deceptive!) #2: Ridiculous Gym Advertisements

 "I notice increasing reluctance on the part of marketing executives to use judgment; they are coming to rely too much on research, and they use it as a drunkard uses a lamp post -- for support, rather than for illumination."

-- DAVID OGILVY

Ok, ok... this post doesn't really belong in my Marketing STD category *technically*; this has nothing to do with sneaky food labels, legal loopholes, or marketing ploys meant to set you up for failure.  This is, however, a massive rant I've been meaning to have for a while ever since I signed up for a 1-Week Trial of our local Equinox Fitness Club here in Santa Monica, CA, and I thought it pertinent to also introduce Media STDs in this section of my blog, as well.

If you are unfamiliar with Equinox clubs, they cost like a BILLION dollars a month for a membership.  Super snooty.  The Equinox I visited had barely adequate amounts of equipment (I'm sure others are nicer... this was a smaller club, it seemed).  The club is mostly known for it's fabulous free group exercise and yoga classes, as well as it's status symbol (in my opinion).  Anyway, my friend asked me to try the gym out, so there I was sitting in a sales rep's office waiting for her to bombard me with all kinds of sales pitches (just let me sign my waiver and get my sweat on, woman!).

As I was sitting there, I see an advertisement that was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen a gym advertise, and it immediately turned me off to Equinox for all eternity.  Companies spend millions of dollars on ad campaigns, research, psychological consumerism studies, and understanding their target markets.  I studied consumer psychology and advertising while in college, and believe me:  There is not one aspect of an advertisement that is haphazard.  Everything is calculated, researched, put through consumer trials and focus groups, and perfectly well-intentioned.  Everything from where the light hits, to which direction the angles of the subject's body contours point to, to the colors and prop placements, are ALL purposeful. Therefore, something as simple as a print ad can actually speak volumes about a company, what it is trying to represent itself as, who it is trying to target and sell to, and what message it wants to communicate to those whom it wants to be listening.

This is the ad I saw in the Equinox sales rep's office:

So the ad is campaigning the notion of "Focus".  Their slogan is, "It's Not Fitness. It's LIFE." They are trying to tell you that by being a part of their gym, they will help you focus, or possibly to be determined and persevere in pursuing your goals.  But... focus on what?????  What do you see in this picture?  I see two fashion models with extremely lacking amounts of muscle or fat, and who in fact look unnaturally thin, all glammed up and trying to arm wrestle over.... cake and pastries?!?!  What in the actual hell is being advertised in this?  Someone please, enlighten me.  What message are they even trying to send?  That their gym members will be focused and will look rich, glamorous, unhealthily lean and can overcome cake??  Look at where the angles of their elbows point to:  Plates of cookies.  And while they seem to be intently staring at each other, their gaze is directly in line with a wedding cake.  Lots of make up, accessories, and sleek hair-dos speaks nothing to me of getting my ass in the gym and working on my health and fitness... I mean, that's what a gym is designed for, right?

I personally go to Spectrum, and thought I would snap a shot of their print ads for the effect of a stark contrast:

Healthy, naturally built-looking humanoid whose body doubles as a spin room, with the logo "Real Change Begins on the Inside", which is SO TRUE when it comes to results, or really anything in life.  This, in complete contrast to the seemingly outward-appearance-only campaign from Equinox.

Whilst I may be biased in my interpretations of these two clubs based on my tenure at Spectrum versus my only 1-time visit to Equinox, I can certainly surmise that most would agree that the message of Spectrum's ad is one that is both logically and aesthetically healthy, promotes positive ideas and body image, and encourages people to work out.  The Equinox one?  Makes me want to feed super models some cake and tell them to do some bicep curls before they attempt another arm wrestling match.

Moral to the story? 

Of course, there are many other offenders than just Equinox.  I mean, commercials like this actually DO exist..... but French-speaking Canada doesn't count. ;)

Marketing STD #2:  Ridiculous Gym Advertisements.  YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED.

Marketing STDs (Sneaky, Tricky, Deceptive!) #1: Labelus Confusionus

One of my fitness friends (we'll call him "Max") and I joke around about what we call "Marketing STDs" -- Sneaky, Tricky, and/or Deceptive marketing techniques used by delightful companies out there who will go to just about any lengths they are legally allowed in order to reach their sales figures.  My friend and I will occasionally share stories with one another about things we've seen or witnessed other people fall prey to, and assign scientific names to the mSTD that has been presented.  We are, after all, dweebus geeks who find humor in Latinizing modern English. ;)

I hate marketing.  I understand it is necessary and I am fascinated by the consumer psychology behind it, but at the end of the day, the purpose of most for-profit businesses is to make a profit (duh!), which means they need volume in their sales, which means they will do what they need to do to sell to as many people as possible.  All of this processed crap "diet" food that is labeled as "healthy", "all natural", "low-fat", etc etc etc is like someone trying to sell moonshine at an AA meeting.  I don't like anything about it, particularly since I bought into it for some TEN YEARS before I learned about clean eating and adopted the lifestyle.

This particular example I'm about to show is a case of confusing marketing. It requires people to do math, which, believe it or not, many people do not like to do.  Especially dieters who are so desperate to find foods that resemble the ones they used to love because they can't bear to let it go.  No one said quitting cold turkey was fun, but there comes a point in time when you have to decide whether you're going to take a hard look at what you're putting in your body, or you're going to look the other way and continue to live in Make Believe Land and wonder why you are "eating right" and "exercising" and still not losing weight. 

My esteemed colleagues, allow me to introduce our first Marketing STD:  A case of Labelus Confusionus.  It's generic name is label confusion, and this microwaveable popcorn product is INFECTED. :D

A friend of mine chows down on this all the time.  She is a serial dieter who constantly bemoans her inability to lose weight despite a solid diet of diet food, tons of cardio (translation:  30 minutes on the elliptical at level 2) and a bit of a heavy drinking problem (but that's another story).   I kindly asked her if she'd ever thought of a more natural substitute, such as air-popped popcorn, as she was explaining to me all the heath benefits of what she was eating for only "15 calories in the whole bag!"  

Now before you go burning down my door, please know that I'm not hating on popcorn.  It is a high protein, high fiber snack that is filling and a lot better for you than potato chips.  The problem is when you start adding artificial crap into like "Butter Flavoring" and preservatives, but we'll save that for another mSTD post.  Another problem is when you aren't accustomed to reading labels and truly, genuinely think there are only 15 calories in a whole bag of popcorn.

When I got to work, I found the same product in our cupboards so I checked out the nutrition label, and here's what I saw: 

More specifically, check the label:

I don't blame my friend.  Most people who are not totally freakish about reading their labels, will typically just look at the basic nutrition facts.  Many more people will also look to see how many servings are in the container at hand.  But I won't lie -- if you really wanted to compute just what exactly is in a bag of this popcorn, it can get a little sticky.

My friend's claim that there are "Only 15 calories in a bag!" is partly true -- there are 15 calories.  But "only"?  No way, jose.  There are 15 calories in one cup of the popcorn once it's been popped.  It's time to do some math to see just what the nutrient content is of this product.

We can see that the serving size is EITHER 2 tbsp un-popped kernels, or 1 cup of popped popcorn.  BUT---we can see from the very top of the label that 2 tbsp of un-popped kernels equates to actually FIVE (5) cups of un-popped popcorn.  And of those 2 tbsp of un-popped kernels, there are 3 servings of them in one bag.  And then since there are 3 bags in a box, there are 9 servings of 2-tbsp servings in the whole box (3 in a bag * 3 bags in a box)

So what does this mean?  Three 2-tbsp servings of un-popped kernels = 6 tbsp total of un-popped kernels.  If 2 tbsp = 5 cups popped, then the whole bag has 15 cups of popped popcorn.  Now let's relate that back to the nutrition facts.  Ignore the 2 tbsp statistics, and let's just look at the nutrition facts of the ONE cup of popped popcorn:

We know the calories for 1 cup of popped popcorn are 15, but how did we figure out those other quantities?  And why are there asterisks for Fat and Saturated Fat?  Well, I'll tell you why.  They explain it all in the label's "FINE PRINT".  Apologies for the poor quality of the photo (compliments of the iPhone 5, whose camera SUCKS), but check out this small paragraph:

If you can't read it, it says "Amount [of fat] in un-popped popcorn [is 2g].  As popped, 1 cup provides 0g total fat..." It also tells us the amount of sodium, carbs, protein and fiber in one cup of popped popcorn.  My friend, who thought she was eating a fat free snack with only 15 calories in the whole bag, was veeeerry wrong.  As long as there is less than half a gram of fat, the label can legally say 0g, or 0%.  If 2-tbsp of unpopped kernels version have 2g of fat per serving, do you think that fat magically vanishes in the microwaving process?  Lies!  Since 2 tbsp unpopped kernels = 5 cups popped, then 1 cup popped would have 2g/5 servings = 0.4g fat.  Less than half a gram = 0g of fat in the marketing world.  In statistics, we call this a "rounding error".  

On a diet based off of 2,000 calories, this equates to a meager 0.6% of your daily intake. Not much, right?  But say you are like my friend, who eats the entire bag in one sitting.  Let's take what we know about 2 tbsp of unpopped kernels and multiply it by 3, which is how many servings there are in a bag:

Total Nutrition Facts:

The percentages assigned were taken from the FDA's "Recommended Daily Allowance" ("RDA") of food based on a 2,000 calorie diet.  So, if you are eating a diet higher in protein and lower in carbs, your daily intake percentages would be much different than the above.  Further, it's important to note that corn is not a complete protein.  In order for a protein to be "complete", it must contain a proper proportion of the 9 essential amino acids required by the human body for it's dietary needs.  Corn is markedly low in Trytophan and Lysine.

Otherwise, as I've said, popcorn is a relatively healthy snack, especially if you eat the air-popped kind that you make yourself, which does not include saturated oils, TBHQ preservatives, artificial flavors and "added colors", as this product does.  But you can see how daunting math-oriented labels can be for a hungry dieter looking for a cheap thrill.  My friend thought there were only 15 calories in a whole, "fat-free" bag.  She was a little shocked to know there were about 350 calories and almost 10% of her intake of fat instead!

Labulus Confusionus:  YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED.