Progress Report: Week One

From my last experience with starting a diet and training program, the first 2 weeks are rough; the first 2 DAYS are the hardest.

Today marks day 2 of being healthy enough to start pushing myself again.  Yesterday I recall getting to that 1 o'clock hour in the afternoon thinking, "Oh god. How am I going to actually make it through this day without chocolate?"

Now, granted, hormones are not on my side right now; I chose a bad time of the month to reboot my journey.  But it is what it is, and I wanted to record my precise thoughts and feelings which I wrote in a pocket diary throughout the day, to get a real-time look at the ups and downs of coming off of sugar.

Day 1:  Common Themes

• 9:45am (This is a real-life, not even kidding statement I said to a co-worker before realizing how outrageous I actually sounded) "All I want right now is to eat a mountain of chocolate and lose 10 lbs.  Why is the universe so unfair!??"
• [Queue hormonal outburst theatrics]
• 11:00am -- I am feeling pretty good.  Breakfast and mid-morning snack have squared me away, I feel like I have a good amount of energy
• 12:00pm - lunch, and then went to lift weights
• 1:15pm -- Major energy slump.  Ate a plain Greek yogurt with a couple sliced up strawberries and it did nothing for me.
• 3:00pm -- So tired, I am falling asleep at my desk.  Have a desperate craving for a sugary treat, although I don't know if it's my body wanting an instant sugar kick, or my mind wanting something psychologically satisfying to help me get through the next 2.5 hours of my workday.
• 4:30pm -- leaving work early.  Need to do cardio, and I'm so tired that I feel nauseous.  I am debating with myself, trying to rationalize and justify a gym day off, but I know it will only make working out tomorrow that much worse because the fatigue, blood sugar issues and mood swings will still be there.
• 6:15pm -- CARDIO! RAWR! I did it, I feel great, but I am staaaarving!
• 8:00pm -- Uninspired by my dinners I had planned this week - an egg white scramble and steamed zucchini.  I want cheap sugar -- snacks.  Cookies.  But I know they won't bring me satisfaction.  I have half a protein bar, some left over boiled chicken and kidney beans, and I did eat a small whole mango that was about to go bad.  I justified that it was wasteful not to eat it, but I do regret it since I wasn't hungry.  I should have cut it up and frozen it. 
• 9:30pm -- Asleep.

All in all, not too bad, although there is just something insanely sucky about feeling SO miserable, and on the one hand you try to convince yourself that it is all for the best, you start envisioning your body in a few months.... and then you undress in front of the mirror and see that muffin top and realize you look as shitty as you feel :/  But I also distinctly remember reflecting on these times as the best, because they are the most gratifying -- being at your worst and STILL pushing through.  This is the stuff that character is made of.

 Day 2:  Common Themes

• 6:00am -- woke up a half hour earlier to give myself more gym time.  My back feels good.  I'm ready to make this a stellar day!
• 6:45am -- at the gym.  Feel sleepy, yawning a lot, but going to make it through this workout.  Carpe diem!  My AM routine consists of 30-45 minutes of incline treadmill walking, and then a lot of stretches and exercises for my back
• 10:15am -- First sugar pangs hit.  I've been having a protein shake before my first AM workout and a banana and PB after, but I'm thinking I need to switch those two things around going forward.  I need to start my workday off with a dose of protein, not sugar.  (Don't tell me to cut my small banana and 2 tbsp of PB out just yet... I eventually will, but right now, it's a morning ritual I don't care to live without.  I gave up coffee over my banana and PB!)
• 12:30pm -- Had lunch, then hit the gym to do weights
• 1:15pm -- Major sugar slump.  Starting to notice the pattern.  Get caught up in work so I don't eat anything just yet -- BIG mistake.
• 3:00pm -- realize I didn't eat my mid-afternoon snack so now I'm starved, and end up devouring my mid-afternoon snack PLUS my pre-PM workout snack.  Fail.  Oh, and I had some chips and salsa :/  Granted they were "healthy chips" and I only had about 10 of them, but still.  NO-NO.
• 5:00pm -- About to leave work to go do cardio.  I feel the same as yesterday -- I'm tired and irritable, but at the same time, I have a little resolve with even just one day under my belt.  I know this is real, and I know that each one of the days like today will add up, and in about 12 weeks I will be reaping some serious rewards for my daily persistence.  Hormones are kicking my butt, but they'll be gone next week.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make this happen.

I have such incredibly strong memories about this time last year.  I was in my PEAK shape in June and July of last year.  I remember feeling so strong and beautiful, I couldn't even believe my eyes when I looked at the gal in the mirror.  My friends and I went to Joshua Tree and I just felt.... I felt like a million bucks.  I feel like for the first time, I had achieved the dream; I had achieved everything I had ever dreamed of, and I didn't take any short cuts.  It was so exhilarating! It's a high I haven't forgotten, and it's a high I want to again.  So I hold that close in my mind, and continue to tell myself it IS possible.

Tonight I will figure out the caloric intake of my current diet, and will modify it for next week.  Getting the right diet down is going to take a week or two of maneuvering until I get the proper distribution of nutrients throughout the day to keep my blood sugar steady.

My goal for this evening is to get my cardio done, go home, steam my zucchini, grill some shrimp, drink a tall glass of water, and call it a night.  But still, right now, I hear the sugar monster quietly whispering in my ear... :/  I will take weekly progress photos like I did last time, but this time I am doing a bikini shot, as well as a picture of these pants that I love that currently do not fit me.  I like that kind of relative perspective :)  I need to take measurements tonight, too!

And so we begin again.

I suppose in a metaphorical way, I can relate to the Oklahoma tornado victims.  Like them, I suppose I did see a storm brewing on the horizon.  Unlike them, I had no real belief that such a crippling event could conceivably happen to me.  But in just 2 quick hours, life went from normal to COMPLETELY upside-down, and I was in it for the long haul.

Not me.  Not now.  I'm too young for this to happen….

In the blink of an eye, I went from a casual 1-hour / 650-calorie elliptical workout, to being curled into the fetal position on my bed praying for daylight.  

Many thoughts raced through my head during those hours until I was able to finally fall asleep.  Wondering if I should go to the hospital; realizing they wouldn't be able to do anything for me.  Sobbing, begging God to take the blinding pain in my back away; realizing I was familiar with this pain, and no amount of prayer could budge the obstacle I feared was before me.  I hadn't done anything to provoke the shooting pain and spasms down my leg and up my rib cage, which maybe made it all the more terrifying.  

I remember a few things VERY clearly from those early weeks.  I remember how hard it was for me to stay active on my fitness Facebook page, listening to everyone doing their AM workouts and wondering when I would even just be able to walk again, or at least without pain.  Missing out on volleyball.  Succumbing to panic and anxiety over what little control I had over the chronic pain and disability I was trapped in.  Hearing things like "Disc Injury" and contemplating my life, my identity….. who or what I was without my athletic goals, dreams and passions.

I can count on one hand the number of times in the past 18 weeks that I have felt like I actually might be making it out of this situation alive.  Fortunately, all those times have been within the past 2 weeks, because progress is coming along remarkably fast now.  But my, my…. how my body has taken a toll.

The first 8 - 12 weeks had actually scant impact on my body composition.  I maintained weight, even my muscle tone.  I was only allowed to walk flat ground for 1 hour a day and do light hamstring and seated row exercises, but things held up pretty well -- I stayed on my diet, all seemed good.  

But then April happened.  This is what I have to say about April 2013:  F*&% YOU.

My back went out a second time, my physical therapy bills tripled, and I worked 14 hour days non-stop the ENTIRE MONTH.  In that time, I did strictly what I had to do to survive.  I had held my diet together despite the depression and the lack of any joy in my life -- I now understand why people turn to food, booze and drugs during times of anxiety, depression or chronic pain.  But when the Month From Hell arrived, I needed room to breathe.  During April, I got re-addicted to sugar.  I tripled my fruit intake, increased my carbs, I still ate 100% clean but the meals I cooked were more on the indulgent side.  After 14 weeks of chronic pain and depression, complete lack of endorphins, high stress and long hours at work, AND a relapse of back spasms after so much physical therapy, one can only continue to eat steamed broccoli and boiled chicken breast for so long.

I gained about 8 pounds in April, and while I haven't taken measurements or weighed myself, I think it's safe to say that I am right back to where I started in January 2012.  I have come to accept this fact, and I don't let it bother me.  I feel my body healing, and I know I can do enough now to at least get the ball rolling to lose the weight and gain the muscle back.  I am somewhat excited to re-endure the struggles of avoiding trigger foods for the joy of seeing results.  I also realize it will be 3 months before I feel like I have even a SLIGHTLY acceptable body though, and that's a tough one.  I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I don't like how my clothes fit.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and part of me is admittedly angry because this injury came out of left field and has completely screwed me over.

But then, after I stop having a pity party for myself, I take a step back and realize that this is a chance to relive the glory of setting goals and achieving them.  

I have decided to dedicate this new journey to the high school version of me, who also had gained a lot of weight (puberty was not kind to me), who hated her body, but chose NOT to do the hard work to get it back… and then resorted to eating disorders years later.  The first time I started clean eating and all that stuff, it was a kamikaze experiment to see if any of it really worked.  Now that I know it DOES work, I like the idea of dedicating these efforts to the old me who never believed it could be possible.  I'm about to prove to myself once again, that it is.

And so there we are.  I know tomorrow is Wednesday, but I already failed on Monday and Tuesday to adhere to my diet without caving in and succumbing to my sweets cravings.  I have successfully cut coffee and milk out though.  Tomorrow, I will stick to my diet.  I will map out my macros, and post them.  And I will begin a weekly check-in, just as I did before, with stats, ups, downs, trials, triumphs, and everything in between.  I'm an idiot for starting this a couple days before my period, when I am exhausted and craving sweets as it is, but somehow I've noticed that pain makes it seem more real; cold turkey ain't ever easy, but being conscious of making decisions based off of what I need, not what I want, has a meditative quality to it that I am excited to re-experience.

Just like the reason I started this blog and my fitness page in the first place, this is above all else an accountability tool for me.  I know what I need to do; Now, I will go and do it.