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Have you ever had one of those times where you felt like your life was a complete mess? Well. That is precisely where I am at right now.
I wish I could write everything I'm going thru right now, but since this is a public blog, I'll keep it short and sweet: I am completely stressed out right now. I am unhappy at my work, so I am taking steps to address my unhappiness with the hope that a positive outcome will result. But that has immersed me in a lot of anxiety and pressure, and I've been feeling very out-of-control lately. I am a bit of a control freak; I can handle change and "variability" decently when one of the quadrants of my life is askew, but the second the other facets of my life get involved, I go into what my dear mother so affectionately calls, "Megan Meltdown Mode".
Remember what the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant looked like when it exploded after the Japanese Tsunami of 2011? Here, let me refresh your memory:
On top of work and all that is surrounding it, I am stressed out about my colposcopy that I'm having this Monday, and having to face the discussion with my doctor about requesting a needle biopsy of Clementine (the lump in my left breast) to make certain it is not cancerous. Plus I have the stress of having to help organize a massive charity volleyball tournament I committed to, that I really want to make happen, but don't really have the time or energy to devote to right now. And to make things even more difficult, money has been pretty tight for me what with all of these doctors appointments I've had to go thru, so I'm a little stressed out about that. Oh and then I hurt my mom's feelings because I was so fixated on my own life, that I forgot to wish her a Happy Birthday yesterday! And then the icing on the cake is that there are some serious issues with my relationship with... well.. let's just call him "Guy" for right now. He and I have never really been on the same page; we are two very different people. We give and receive very differently. I'm the sensitive, hands-on, nurturing type; he is the type who doesn't care much for displays of affection or touchy-feely things. I tend to be affected much more strongly when it comes to mental and physical pain, whereas he doesn't feel it at all - or if he does, he is able to reason his way out of just about anything. When either of us has something bad going on, I think we both react the same way we wish to be treated - I immediately go into "Mama Bear" mode and offer him an abundance of warmth and affection, a soft shoulder to lean against, a listening ear, or I'll bring him a chocolate chip cookie (his favorite). I reach out to console him with hugs the way my mom used to when I was a child. It is how I feel safe and cared for, and how I try to impart that feeling onto others. On the other hand, when I have things going wrong, Guy seeks to immediately try to change my perspective of things, diminish the threat posed on my life, help me to reason my way out of stress and anxiety, and ultimately try to plot ways to fix the situation to get my mind off of it.
These are both inherently good approaches, but the problem with each is that they aren't received properly by either Guy or I. When I try to help Guy, he perceives it as me smothering him and he ultimately pushes me away. And when Guy tries to console me, I perceive it as him being abrasive and insensitive, trivializing my very real emotional distress, and I blow up on him. The result? I feel like he doesn't care about me when he pushes me away, and he feels like he can do no good when I get mad at him for trying to help.
Last night was a prime example. Guy knew from the second I walked in his door, without even seeing my face but rather just hearing the tone in my voice, that something was wrong. I explained how stressed I was. But what he didn't know (or understand) was that I was at the cusp of a Megan Meltdown. I should have canceled on our plans that night, but I missed him and wanted to be around him. The result, however, was an epic fight stemming from my total collapse of reason, his frustration over not knowing how to react, and a general breakdown of communication resulting with him slamming the car door on me at the restaurant and storming off while I sobbed in the driver's seat and drove off.
Here's an important lesson I want to share with you all: Sometimes, when people come to you with their problems, they don't want you to "fix" them. Often times, they don't even want you to help share or carry the burden. A lot of times, people seek you out simply for a compassionate ear with which to listen, a gentle shoulder upon which to cry, and nothing else but a silent nod and validation of their feelings simply by hearing you say you understand how difficult it must be for them. A lot of times our problems can seem so trivial, and our reactions to them so melodramatic and irrational. Sometimes, our problems aren't even problems at all! They could be fun things like planning a wedding, or applying for a dream job. But that doesn't diminish the affect of stress on our minds and hearts. And the person on the outside has to put their judgments aside. For me, two of the biggest things that finally tipped the scale from me being able to handle all of these "balls in the air" to me completely melting down over them, was the fact that my car windshield was dirty and that my roommate didn't take the trash out. It's always the little things. But an accumulation of problems can really put us in a tailspin, and speaking as a female, a good cathartic cry is sometimes something I really need before I can pull myself up by the bootstraps, put on my big girl pants, and address the issues on my own.
Bless Guy's heart, he tried his best to help me in the way he would have wished to have been helped, and I blew up on him. I harbor a lot of anger over the fact that he KNEW how distressed I was and he abandoned me in a time of need; he should have put compassion first, regardless of how unfairly I was treating him, because he knows me well enough to know I was not in my normal state, and that this would pass and I would profusely apologize afterwards. But then I realized that perhaps I shouldn't have put him through it to begin with; what good is an apology if I know I am acting improperly, even in the heat of the moment? It's like committing a sin knowing you can be forgiven of it later.
There is a Swedish proverb out there that goes as such:
"Älskar mig när jag förtjänar det minst, för det är då jag behöver det bäst."
It translates to "Love me when I deserve it least, for that is when I need it most."
If we were to take a practical approach to things, then absolutely yes I was in the wrong and almost entirely at fault. But life is not practical. There are so many qualities that are inherently human - love, sadness, stress, impatience, desire - and while a lot of them are negative, or produce negative scenarios, they are nonetheless HUMAN. We can do our best to avoid them, or mitigate the damage, but to eliminate them altogether would be far too utopian (and equally hellish) than is possible in this world. When that's the case, I feel it is important for the strong to be strong for the weak; their time will come when they themselves need someone to be strong for them. It's best that we strive rather to be the perch upon which a travel-worn gull can rest, than the feeble branch that gives way under the strain of it's weight.
So, that's all I have to say today. I have a back log of blog entries I need to get on top of - my July goals, progress photos, new "A Day In the Life Of My Diet" pics, as well as a research article on frozen yogurt joints, eating clean on the cheap, and whether there is truth to saying one should do weights before cardio. Oh and another one on whether or not ripened fruit has more calories than unripened? But I'll get to those entries once I have a chance to sort thru the more macro issues in my life.
Upward and onward...
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