"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." -- Samuel Beckett
I love this quote. I happened upon it while scouring the internets for absolution from a very stupid decision I made 100% out of habit, without realizing what I was doing until I realized what I was doing.
To me, this quote is honesty. We all support one another with those glistening gems of encouragement that communicate the notion that only quitters quit and only those who endure will ever persevere. Don't get me wrong, those quotes all hold their place in the bell curve of truth. It's just that sometimes, realism is comforting. And reality is that every good journey is one with flaws. Besides -- how are we to say that we ever truly grew if we didn't find ourselves on the floor summoning an unknown strength to get back up and try again?
Well. I have caught a HORRIFIC cold that is going around. I noticed an unusual grogginess on Monday or Tuesday of last week and thought that perhaps I was overtrained. I forced myself thru my workouts Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted (within reason) hoping that would replenish my energy stores so I could get back on the horse come Friday.
Didn't happen.
Instead, I found myself immediately spiraling downward into the onslaught of a vicious cold, the kind that for the first two days you feel like a space cadet and that your head and your body are two completely separate entities. I remember sitting in traffic thinking that if we were invaded by space aliens I wouldn't even care one bit because I had no energy to. The world could end and I would just fade away with it happily without putting up any bit of a fight, because I had none in me.
But I digress. My sin was not in allowing myself to get so stressed to the point of immunological depletion; my sin was rather in how I handled it.
As a child, my mom fed us fairly healthily. But as any loving parent might do, when we fell ill, she would do anything in her power to help us feel better. And again, as any loving parent might do, with patience comes bodily healing, but in the meantime, how do you cheer a little one's spirits? Simple pleasures. Treats. Renting movies, allowing video game time, that kind of thing. Well for us, my mother would let us have fast foods, soda, food-related goodies. I think a little bit of that also came from the fact that all of us kids were not big eaters when we got sick, and she wanted to encourage us to get food in our tummies.
Unfortunately, old habits die hard. Anytime I get sick, I immediately shower myself with food. Usually it's McDonald's, pizza, cookies and milk, ice cream…. anything that is normally off limits I suddenly set upon a silver platter and place before my face whether I want it or not. And even worse, I've always held the subconscious belief that this was doing good, that I was healing my ailing body by allowing myself these delectable pleasures.
Well, the good news is that in my recent bout of this recovery 'tactic', I never once even so much as entertained the thought of eating fast food, let alone crave it. For me, it was more a matter of allowing myself some cheese and prosciutto at an Opening Ceremony gathering I went to (ok, and maybe a piece of chocolate cake), or buying a soy chai latte at Coffee Bean, or letting myself have Yogurtland or a glass of wine on Sunday night. And to some extent, I believe the idea of relaxing from a strict diet and allowing the mind some pleasure can do a bit of good in physical healing.
But as I was driving home on Saturday night thinking about splurging on a Subway sandwich and a diet coke, it struck me: why on earth would consuming crap food ever be a good idea when I am sick?
This should be the time when I eat the healthiest - when I put the healthiest foods into my body, to supply it with the purest nutrients available to help heal and recover. After all, was it not Hippocrates who said "Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food"? And doesn't the old Chinese proverb go "He that takes medicine and neglects diet wastes the skill of the physician"?? Aren't all the old dead dudes always right????
In any event, I never feel guilty about a bad decision if enlightenment comes out of it. Treats have their place and taking a step back from any strenuous exercise - be it physical or mental - is always necessary when you find yourself ill. But it should only be taken so far. The Gerson Therapy has proven with great success that proper nutrition can reverse all kinds of illness, supporting the idea that indulgences shouldn't go beyond a one-time gig.
This month was supposed to be my last month (and most strict!) of leaning out before I started altering my diet to accommodate muscle growth. My goal was to have shaved off all those last remaining pounds by, well, today. Instead, I took a huge step back. I let life get the best of me. Juggling the stress of my current job, interviewing for new ones, organizing a fundraising tournament from the ground up, dealing with emotional loss and trying to push myself in my workouts just simply did me in. I treated myself more than I'd like to admit at the Whole Foods food bar (healthy, but still not acceptable given that I really needed to be on top of my caloric intake), I drank 3 more glasses of wine on average per week than I should have (I really shouldn't have had ANY, to be honest!), I didn't stay on top of drinking my water and opted for coffees instead, and I admittedly was caving in and having a Peanut Butter Balance Bar each day mid-morning as nothing other than a treat. I'm so ashamed!
But alas, I have learned my lesson. While 'feeding my cold', I never once felt bad because in some strange way I knew that while I would gain a couple pounds, it ironically might help break the plateau I felt I've been on for the past couple months. And I knew the rest from the gym would help give my muscles time to recover and gear up. But enough is enough. It will be August 1 in two days, and I'm re-commiting myself to a strict clean-eating diet from here on out. August will be the month I go back to the basics - track each glass of water I drink till I've met my quota, recalibrate my food journal to make sure I'm covering the bases, and while I may not workout till Thursday just to give my body time to heal, I will come back with a renewed sense of urgency.
As Samuel Beckett has reminded me, failure is inevitable. And to say this is the last time I fail is a complete lie because if this were the last time, it could mean only one thing: that I chose to not try again. The idea is that with each failure we learn something new so that when we fail again, we fail BETTER, and the damage isn't as bad. Refinement thru trials is the only road to success, and each lesson we learn is one less flaw we have to trip us up. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery so masterfully expressed:
So with that, I'm going to go have a bowl of homemade turkey and veggie soup with a dash or two of organic dill, a large glass of water, and will start tomorrow completely fresh with a clean slate as the new day dawns.
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