Week Six and Seven: The Good, Bad and Ugly (Oh who are we kidding; it was all just ugly)

I know I'm nearing the end of Week 7, but I skipped Week 6's blog.  And for good reason; it was a bad week.  What can I say?

A Summary of Week 6:

1. Valentine's Day:  V-day was the Friday before Week 6 started for me.  I felt my left glute hurt in a way signifying my back was going on the fritz.  I decided I would spend the weekend resting.  I ate healthy more or less, but didn't work out and my back definitely was wonky.  And I definitely splurged on Valentine's with the BF - big steaks, strawberry shortcake and champagne.  Oh well!  
2. Monday, Wednesday and Friday of Week 6:  90-minute physical therapy sessions.  Back was awful all week.  Barely worked out at all, all week.  Started to feel really negative about my situation, my body... lots of negativity in Week 6.  Found myself getting angry and jealousy of my boyfriend when I saw him come home all a hot sweaty mess from his workouts.  Made me feel helpless and trapped in a body that wouldn't let me do all the things I had so much crazy passion and energy to do.
3. Wednesday of Week 6: Did I mention I went out with my girlfriends for dinner and only had $11 and, in my refusal to use my credit card (a New Years Resolution I've stuck to!), I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries!? I chocked it up to a cheat meal, but really it was just stupid reasoning on my part, especially knowing my back was bad and I wouldn't be working out for a while.
4. Saturday: Watched the UFC fight with my boyfriend at Dave and Buster's.  The buffet served:  Mac n' Cheese, sliders, fried chicken and Cesar salad.  My only option was the salad, though I'm pretty sure it had more calories in it than any of the other options.  Did I confess yet that I also had a mai tai AND a long island ice tea? I haven't had alcohol since Halloween of 2013. I somehow rationalized that I was taking a break from diet/exercise until my back was healed.  Please tell me where the logic was in that?
5. Sunday:  Spent the whole day on the couch.  Granted it was to rest my back so that I could start Monday with clean footing, but..... holy Christ.  I feel like I just undid the first 5 weeks of hard work.

And on top of all of this, last Sunday (beginning of Week 7), I had a complete meltdown.  My boyfriend bought one of those scales that purports to tell you your BMI, Body Fat %, Muscle % and Water %.  I'm sure the standard deviation is so high on those things that it's not useful to seriously consider those numbers as even a guideline.  Nonetheless, the scale told me my body fat % was something like 24%.  I know I'm around 20-21% (which is still way higher than I want to be... I got down to 16.7% at the height of my training back in 2012), but it broke my heart.  I excused myself to the bathroom, closed the door, didn't even bother to turn the light on, and just collapsed into a heap and started to cry.  I kept reflecting on July of 2012.  It was the highest point of my life -- hands down.   I am addicted to that feeling I felt back in June/July 2012 when I was at my peak and felt like not anything in the whole world could stop me.  I loved myself, I loved my body, I loved the strength and liberation.  And sometimes, it is incredibly hard to keep the faith that I will find a way of getting back to that place.

But then I read this post and it reminded me that I am only on Week 6/7 of my 2014 journey; it took 6 months before I reached my high point in 2012.  I'm still at the base of this mountain -- not all hope is lost on me yet.  So I dried my eyes, picked myself up off the floor, and resolved to start over again.  I would have to go slower in 2014, and I would have to be smarter; but it's not impossible.  NOTHING is impossible.

A Summary of Week 7 (so far):

Exercise

Today is Thursday (of Week 7) and I'm happy to report that my back is doing pretty ok now.  I've gone easy on my workouts - no HIIT, no increasing my weights to new PR levels.  I've been focusing on perfecting form, not lifting heavier.  I also have had to adopt a new routine of intense therapy and warm-ups.  I used to do 5 minutes of cardio warm up, go straight into weights, and then round it out with 45 minutes of cardio and about 30 minutes of stretching/therapy for my back.  I now start with 30 minutes of stretching and such for my back, then do 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill to warm my body up and loosen my muscles, then I go into my weights routine, and then I do 20-30 minutes of actual calorie-burning cardio (which I hope to turn into HIIT next week), followed by another 30 minutes of stretching and cool-down.  It results in exhausting 2.5 - 3 hour gym sessions, but if that's the price I have to pay to continue rehabbing my back whilst safely working toward my goals, then that's a price I'm willing to pay.

Week 7 has simply been about re-adopting a modus operandi of consistency:  Getting back into the swing of things.  No coffee, no treats, stick to my meal plan, no crazy workouts but stick to the routine as usual.  I need to get a "Reassurance Week" under my belt to prove that I'm still in this game and so is my back.

Diet

I changed my diet up a little bit this week.  I began making my dinners for breakfast - 4 egg whites and 1 whole egg scrambled with a little Daiya (dairy-free) cheese, 3 cups of steamed spinach and 4 black olives on the side.  It replaced my bowl of cereal in the morning.  But unfortunately, I need that cereal.  It's just plain bran flakes but my stomach reeeeeally responds well to the fiber in it (it does not respond similarly to fibers in fruits/veggies or other grains).  So at night, after my workout, I've been having a protein shake and then a small serving of the cereal with non-fat milk.  I know I am breaking all kinds of rules about carbs at night or whatever, but it's the only real carbohydrate I get in the day (other than my pre-workout banana), so I don't feel guilty. 

Goals For Next Week:

Week 7 - the "week of consistency" - was improved, but not perfect.  I didn't have time to meal prep last weekend, so I've been eating just whatever's in my pantry and freezer for my lunches.  Today I will write up my new meal plan for "Back in Action" Week 8, and will keep my eyes, heart and brain completely focused on good form at the gym, diligent stretching, strict diet, and really just making myself a sacrificial lamb to my dreams. The fire and desire are still so alive and hungry inside of me.  It's time to take it to the next level and try to push for as much results as I can manage.  I remember in 2012, once I finally began reaping results, i looked back most fondly to the dark, challenging, doubtful times of the beginning, when things seemed so hard and results weren't coming.  I think I had such warm memories of those times because that is the cost of pursuing your dream - walking through the fire.  And when you stick to your guns and suffer through the necessary hazing of what your dreams require of you, it is such an accomplished, empowering feeling; you feel you have rightfully earned all you have.

I haven't weighed myself or taken progress photos since Week 5.  I will change that this evening.  I think its important to document all the phases of this journey -- because one day I WILL get to where I want to be, and I will want mementos to remind me of what I had to overcome.